[roastpuff]

Yeah. As the title says, a good female friend of mine (one of my best friends, actually), whom I happen to hold romantic feelings for, recently called me on them. Out of the blue. She didn't come right out and say it, but I get the implied meaning that she knows more than she's letting on.

Before I go on, let's have a little background, shall we? I find that these kinds of threads need explanations, otherwise they get confusing and people tend to jump to conclusions. Let's call her "K" to make referring to her easier.

1. I am 19, she is 15. We both have birthdays in December, so the age gap will stay very similar during the year.
2. She is the cousin of one of my other very good female friends, who did reject me when I asked her out two years ago. And yes, K knows all about this, and in fact was the one to help coach me in asking her cousin out.
3. We share almost everything that happens in our lives with each other. Basically, we cry on each other's shoulder when we have troubles, we listen to the other person when they want to vent/rant or just chat, give advice... a combination of psychiatrist, agony aunt columnist and best friends.
4. "K" has been going through some romantic problems of her own. Recently, she's had to re-evaluate her relationship to her own possible pursuit, because she wasn't sure whether or not that he was interested in her that way. I don't know the end result of this - there are some things that don't get shared.
5. I'm not sure where this romantic attraction to her began. I know for certain that I've loved her platonically for at least 3-4 years. The likeliest possible DP for this was the Family Ball - a charity ball that we both attended earlier in the year (Feb-ish). K had an emotional breakdown there, and one of her friends dragged me off the dance floor to her "because K asked me to find you." We (two of her friend and I basically spent a good 45 minutes to an hour just being there for her. I was hurting inside, myself, just holding her and heading off her statements of self-loathing. It really tore me apart just to sit there and be effectively futile against her then-current mindstate. Unfortunately, I had to leave to drive someone else home and had to leave her like that. Thank God for cellphones. This was probably when I really started thinking of her in a romantic way.
6. Honestly - I wasn't even going to mention this attraction to her because I wanted her to be able to work through her current romantic issues before even raising another set of problems to sort through. She's more perceptive than I give her credit for. That, and another good mutual friend of ours probably dropped a clue inadvertently.
7. We've sort of been having a bit of trouble lately - I've gotten frustrated at her because when we're having conversations, either on MSN or in person, it tends to be rather one-sided. She talks, I listen, I talk, she doesn't really listen and I have to repeat myself. And I've been quite worried regarding her mental state lately, as she's lamented to me that she doesn't seem to have a "drive" or a goal to work towards to, and is feeling "spacey" or apathetic (my interpretation).

She's said for me to "Take my time and give her a call when I was ready to talk" after I told her that I needed to be sure of myself first before talking this out with her. I am worried about the possible ramifications of this upcoming conversation. I'm pretty sure the friendship won't dissolve if everything goes pear-shaped, but I'd like to avoid any awkwardness.

I'm also worried about her feeling that she was a "second choice" next to her cousin - though she isn't, of course. And worried about how her family would react, if something did end up happening between the two of us; her family and I have a pretty good relationship, and I'd hope that I was welcome.

It's a definite given that I will have a conversation with her about this in the next few days; I'm just hunkering down for my first final tomorrow - and this gets dropped on me. I just want to solicit some useful advice from some of the forum members here - a nugget of wisdom to temper my youth, so to speak. Oh, to head off some possible comments by members - we're both committed Christians, and that is for after marriage - whomever we end up with.

I'll chime in with more thoughts as they occur to me.

And yes, Member's Lounge seems to turn into an agony aunt column, lately.

And post 2000... yay!

 

[grawk]

I'll just say dating someone under 16 is a bad idea if you're over 18.

 

[ericj]

Bad idea. BAD.

(And seeing grawk's comments now, I have to specify - i don't just mean the age difference. It's a bad idea in 3.5 years too.)

 

[roastpuff]

Clearing up legality issues - note that I am in Canada:
Quote:

The Criminal Code does not now criminalize consensual sexual activity with or between persons 14 or over, unless it takes place in a relationship of trust or dependency, in which case sexual activity with persons over 14 but under 18 can constitute an offence, notwithstanding their consent. Even consensual activity with those under 14 but over 12 may not be an offence if the accused is under 16 and less than two years older than the complainant. The exception, of course, is anal intercourse, to which unmarried persons under 18 cannot legally consent, although both the Ontario Court of Appeal(3) and the Quebec Court of Appeal(4) have struck down the relevant section of the Criminal Code.

Why is dating someone under 16 a bad idea, disregarding the sex thing? I've already noted that both of us view that as something to be saved for marriage and are not going to be doing anything even close to that.

 

[TheMarchingMule]

Age 19 vs. age 15? Kind of awkward, but that's just my opinion.

I think you are over thinking this wayyyy too much (shown by you bullet-pointing the whole history of it). This isn't going to end well at this rate in the long run, in my observations of seeing the best and the worst of high school relationships. Just stay friends, and don't start dating out of desperation or thinking that you need to to keep one another happy by knowing that you are a "couple;" I did that my first two years in high school and sorely regret choosing that path to this day, and I know I will still reflect upon it for many years to come.

 

[ericj]

Quote:

Originally Posted by roastpuff /img/forum/go_quote.gif Why is dating someone under 16 a bad idea, disregarding the sex thing? I've already noted that both of us view that as something to be saved for marriage and are not going to be doing anything even close to that.

Uh huh.

It's a bad idea because both of you are on the brink of periods of major life changes.

Over the next, hey, lets be honest, 8 years or so, both of you are going to change a lot.

Dynamics that work right now aren't going to work at all in a couple years, guaranteed.

You're gonna do whatever you're gonna do, but I'm here to tell you, it'll end in tears.

 

[cash68]

She's 15 man. End of story. 15 yr olds are not women, they're children. She might be remotely hot, but she will definitely not be mentally ready to have a relationship with, esp. if you are 19. Walk away man.

 

[fordgtlover]

Stay friends and be there for each other, but leave it at that. Wait 3 years. You will be closer in emotional maturity and there will be no legal issues. If you still have feelings in 3 years - go for gold.

There are so many reasons why entering into a relationship of this kind is a bad idea.

 

[choomanchoo]

I'm moving to Canada

 

[mashman]

I say hit it, or someone else will.

 

[Ingo]

When I was 19 there was a girl that I met that really latched on to me for a while. She told me she was 17 but later on I found out that she was 15. It was really hard for me because she was probably at around the same maturity level I was, or at least I thought so, but in the end I grew up before she did.

I agree with everyone that is saying to walk away. If you're meant for each other it will work itself out when the time is appropriate.

 

[jonnywolfet]

be there for here, she obviously turns to you because you help her. but if you are really serious about your feelings to her, give it a lot of time before you start anything. 15 year old girls very rarely know what they want, who they are, or how to be in a relationship. not to mention the taboo of dating someone that young.
tread very carefully, think about your decisions, do the right thing.

 

[rincewind]

I'm 26 and the gap to a 23 yo girl is sometimes noticeable. Increase the gap, as well as decrease the ages (which exacerbates the gap) and it probably won't work. Wait a few years and see if the feelings are still there.

 

[John E Woven]

Bring her to a head-fi meet. solves all problems ever, and ones that don't exist yet.

There's even one on the 12 or 13 of july in vancouver. I know I'm going.

 

[Bon]

1/2 age + 7 years. thats the limits, stick to it