[melomaniac]

at the san diego zoo, they have successfully taught a female chimp sign language. now they want to see if the chimp will teach her offspring what she has learned. they run computer simulations of who the ideal mate would be. the startling result: ole olson of minnesota. they approach him, but he declines. they run more tests and contact research institutes around the world, but the result comes back the same: best would be ole olson of minnesota. so they call him again and ask whether he would do it for $5,000 and to the greater glory of science. he responds that he will think it over for a few days. finally he gets back to them in san diego, and says, fine, he'll participate: on three conditions. one, no kissing. two, the children have to be raised lutheran. and three, he asks for a month so he can raise the money.

 

[cash68]

What's the difference between a washing machine and a hot date?

The washing machine doesn't keep calling you after you put a load in it.

 

[JDiles]

Two cannibals decided to have dinner together one evening. One cannibal says to the other, " I really never liked your mother all that much" So the other one replies, " thats OK, just eat the noodles then."

 

[lisnalee]

A truck driver, hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers, spots a good place to stop for a beer. As he approaches the bar, and sees a big sign on the door that says,

"NERDS NOT ALLOWED - ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!"

Hummm, Thinking this is a bit strange, he enters and sits down.

The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, looks him over and says
"You smell some kind of nerdy".

He then asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver explains to him that he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender serves him a beer and says, "OK, truck drivers aren't nerds."

As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in wearing a pair of glasses with tape around the middle, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt that is at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him "Why did you do that". The bartender replied, "Don't worry. The Nerds are in season because they are overpopulating this whole Silicon Valley. And Hey, "You don't even need a license."

So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads for the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the road. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, snatching up all of the computers. The scavengers are comprised of engineers, accountants and programmers. Each of them wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen.

He can't let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away. Believing he is doing the right thing, the truck driver reloads his gun. While Preparing to shoot a bunch more of them little nerdy guys, a highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of his car screaming at him, STOP!!! STOP!!!

"What's wrong officer? I thought nerds were in season."

"Well, sure," says the patrolman,

"But the limit is one per day, And you can't BAIT EM !!"

 

[Old Pa]

The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.

Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin.

The boss approached her and said: "Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off.

"Could you be a dear and jack off?" she says, "I feel awful this morning."

 

[JDiles]

President Bush recently urged the Chinese government to communicate with the Dalai Lama and called him a "real fine man. I used to be reluctant to meet with him, but then I found out he's not a real llama." (Conan O'Brien)

 

[mark_h]

What's ET short for?

Cos He's Got Little Legs!

 

[BayouSlide]

A skeleton walks into a bar...


and orders a beer and a mop.

 

[BayouSlide]

One more...

Did you hear the one about the dyslexic devil worshipper?

He pledged his soul to Santa.

 

[fordgtlover]

BayouSlide

I find you signature to be wonderfully ironic.

"Believe nothing just because a so-called wise person said it. Believe nothing just because a belief is generally held. Believe nothing just because it is said in ancient books. Believe nothing just because it is said to be of divine origin. Believe nothing just because someone else believes it. Believe only what you yourself test and judge to be true." -- Buddha

 

[Old Pa]

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, 'who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!'

The girl picks up telephone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them:

'Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account.

If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?'

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him ....

'You a gonna try again.'

 

[Darek]

3 old men, slightly hard of hearing, were strolling in the park,

the first old man said,
"boy its windy"

the second old man said,
"no its thursday"

the third old man replied,
"me too, lets go grab a beer"

 

[Old Pa]

An Australian tour guide was showing a group of American tourists the Top End. On their way to Kakadu, He was describing the abilities of the Aborigines to track man or beast over land, through the air, under the sea. The Americans were incredulous.

Then, later in the day, the tour rounded a bend on the highway and discovered, lying in the middle of the road, an Aborigine. He had one ear pressed to the white line whilst his left leg was held high in the air. The tour stopped and the guide and the tourists gathered around the prostrate Aborigine.

'Jacky,' said the tour guide, 'what are you tracking and what are you listening for?'

The aborigine replied, 'Down the road about 25 miles is a 1971 Valiant Ute. It's red. The left front tyre is bald. The front end is out of whack and it has dents in every panel. There are 9 blackfellas in the back, all drinking warm sherry. There are 3 kangaroos on the roof rack and 6 dogs on the front seat.'

The American tourists moved forward, astounded by this precise and detailed knowledge. 'Goddammit man, how do you know all that?' asked one.

The Aborigine replied, 'I fell out of the f**kin thing about harp an hour ago.'

 

[mbriant]

 

[Old Pa]

A young man goes into the Job Center in Downtown Los Angeles, and sees a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested, he goes to learn more; "Can you give me some more details?" he asks the clerk.

The clerk pulls up the file and says, "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so that they're ready for the gynecologist's examination. There's an annual salary of $65,000, but you're going to have to go to Albuquerque New Mexico. That's about 620 miles from here."

"Good grief, is that where the job is?"

"No sir --- that's where the end of the application line is right now."