[ray4jc]

ok guys...how long do you think someone should be engaged before they get married????? thanks
ray

 

[Hirsch]

As long as it takes. Some friends of mine got married after living together for 22 years. Five years later, and they're almost ready for divorce. Too short an engagement, I think.

 

[john_jcb]

Maybe if you need to ask the question you know the answer but don't want to face it. If you think a proper length of engagement makes any difference you are probably not ready to commit to a marriage.

 

[jessica00]

marriage is a relic of old days.
just live together. not bound by a CONTRACT that limits you too much.
if you do get married, dont let it change anything, see it as nothing.

 

[Vagamus]

Quote:

Originally posted by jessica00 marriage is a relic of old days. just live together. not bound by a CONTRACT that limits you too much. if you do get married, dont let it change anything, see it as nothing.

I agree here.
If your relationship is strong, why bother with marriage at all? Its as good as a contract to make rubber dog sh!t these days. But then my examples aren't all that great.

To me its too religious, too public, not between families as i think it should be, and i don't find that respectable. Its also loaded with limitation by the law, and to me thats just like tellin people who they can sex with which i also don't care for.

Thats my piece anyways.

 

[Budgie]

Cool Ray! Congragulations! How long to be engaged- long enough to know if you can make a marriage work, with the person you are engaged to. Any longer indicates doubts.

 

[wallijonn]

Ray,

First off, how old are you? I don't advise marriage before 25 for anyone. Where do you live? (mid west women make better wives, IMO. What type of job do you have? (many high stress jobs contribute to the divorce rate). Are you in love or in lust? Or have you transcended both in your relationship?

Jessica,

"No Contract"? Not in the states of California or New York. It's known as "Common Law" marriage. In many ways common law divorce is worse than marriage divorce. Are you a transplanted Georgian? (I just want to know if you are a "Southern Belle" (native)).

What's the divorce rate for native "bible belt" partners vs native "non bible belt" partners? I've always had a penchant for Tennessee women

and Montana women, and Iowa women and ....

so long as the woman knows which side her bread is buttered on, I'd be willing to take a risk.

as the old saying goes, "love lasts for 9 months" then the rose loses it's bloom. the secret to marriage is knowing how to stay in love. (I've failed miserabley, btw. 3 marriages and still looking).

living together is fine. until you have children. then your responsibilities are no longer just to each other but also to the offspring.

personally, i say that if you can't afford to get divorced, then you probably can't afford to get married. best of luck with your choice.

 

[chadbang]

Just remember, Ray4jc, marriage is more than a word - it's a sentence.

 

[squirt]

Quote:

Originally posted by chadbang Just remember, Ray4jc, marriage is more than a word - it's a sentence.

You could try pleading insanity

I don't think there are any fast rules to how long an engagment should last...best to discuss it with your significant other and mutually come to a decision that would satsify both of you...

 

[kelly]

I really need to buy jessica a drink.

I think John's right. That you have to ask the question implies some hesitation on the part of one person or the other. Ask yourself why that hesitation is there rather than when you should do it.

It'd be better to keep in mind that this is a two person thing, too. If one person has the "marriage is not important" attitude while the other one has marriage as a very determined goal, it would be sad to see seperated over something that could have been solved.

I think it's neat that people ask these kinds of questions here but remember that free advice is rarely worth more than you pay for it. And sometimes even then... We're a headphone forum. We're lucky when we can give good advice on headphones. Make an appointment with a marriage counselor for both of you if you want a qualified opinion. I wish more people did that prior to marriage, seperation and divorce anyway.

 

[rickcr42]

lived with my wife of eight years for ten years (and three sons) before marrying.

Nothing has changed except we both now have RIGHTS !

Yeah,no marriage means no real entitlements.And being called "the boyfriend" after all those years really used to stick up my a**,especially when dealing with the schools.

Not being married means if you get in a bad accident ,and only immediate family is allowed to visit your significant other is caught out.PERIOD.

Does this suck ?

Kinda,but does mean the "mate of the month" does not get access to social security,retirement benefits,insurance ,properties.

And taxes area bit easier

 

[grinch]

you're six months younger than me, so i'd recommend to run screaming in the other direction.

 

[Vagamus]

That hospital thing does suck. Being called "the boyfriend" wouldn't irk me as long as my kids called me dad.

IIRC, i'll have to look into this again tho, u can have a drawn up marriage that is just as legal, just need a lawyer, the marriage thingy is just as legal but a lot the normal state marriage garbage is waived. But that has to be done in a way that still denotes something like a business deal, and i'm no Harkonen.

I'm just simply going to wait til i have someone to discuss it all with seriously before i get off my "hell no" horse and submit/commit

Oh, and what if both people are the "marriage is not important" type, think that'd work? i do. opposing sides of that are always gonna be at a head with eachother, but compromise is key in all relationships and you should never have to feel pressured into doing something. optimally, you should want to and they should want to, or you should want not and they should want not. you're right kelly its two-sided and there should be a consensus of opinion, on as much as possible.

Personally, marriage is a risk i will take only after much consideration, and i won't likely be the first to propose or suggest it simply because i feel i can live without it. I come from a family where my father has seen 7-8 wives come and go, i don't consider that a good view imprint to me of marriages track record. I used to want to marry for the longest time because i assumed it would do something that it simply won't; keep someone there with you and happy for all your years. (granted, this was a pretty early opinion

) I've seen step mothers come and go, use love, sex, lies, anything they can muster as weapons to screw my dad over, even before they wanted to divorce, and it was never his fault. (I know the details well enough.) Given this, my mind set will remain to be "no dice" when it comes to ME and wanting marriage, but if i sense she might want it, actually if i know she'd want it, i would propose, because by that point i'd have known her long enough to know how i feel about her.

Off to Vice City i go hehe

 

[rickcr42]

probably the most essential ingrediant for a successful marriage is not love , that is usually more like lust,but you really must like each other.
You gotta be best buddies.

No matter who you spend a lot of time with you WILL get on each others nerves at times.Just human nature.
But the test for me was ,would I rather be with my buds or Susan?
Both is also cool,but if a choice ?

Fortunately she is the type to be comfortable with everyone (even the jerks unless they cross the line).
But IF there was a choice she would win hands down.I just like hanging out with her best...even after al these years.

And trust me folks,anyone that can put up with ME for this amount of time gotta be something special.

 

[ServinginEcuador]

Quote:

Originally posted by ray4jc ok guys...how long do you think someone should be engaged before they get married????? thanks ray

As long as it takes to 1) avoid making a costly mistake you will live with for a long time, or at leastthe consequences for a long time, and

2) long enough to develop the relationship and build a lasting friendship. After a while you will realize that you are going to be spending lots of time together, so you had better make sure that your relationship is strong to begin with.

Also, don't ever feel like you HAVE to get married just becuse you were engaged. You can break things off and avoid the mistakes many here have made, some several times, by keeping it in mind that the commitment isn't fixed until the wedding.

Notice that it is mostly guys responding with live together vice marriage. Most women feel betrayed and used when they live with someone who then leaves them. It is emotionally damaging to them, while the guy generally got the sexhe wanted without making the commitment. Many, many psychology studies have shown this to be true.