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This joke is totally awesome. - Page 41

post #601 of 625

Masculine - Feminine (PG)


A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. "House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa." "Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."

A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer” should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

 

The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora"), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay check on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ("el computador"), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

post #602 of 625

post #603 of 625

post #604 of 625

sorry I didn't get the joke.. What does "I falafel" mean? I guess that's the funny part but I didn't catch it. LOL .

post #605 of 625
Quote:
Originally Posted by crystallawren View Post

sorry I didn't get the joke.. What does "I falafel" mean? I guess that's the funny part but I didn't catch it. LOL .

 

Common expression from both here and down under, on Planet "X" - 

 

- a variation of the well known , Whoop-Dee-Dooo ? ... 

 

- Re: Urban Slang explained for Blondes by Blondes  biggrin.gif

post #606 of 625

My new DAP can play music backwards. Tried it on a country/western song and it was great: my wife came back to me and I got my job back.

post #607 of 625


Edited by wink - 4/30/13 at 6:19am
post #608 of 625

Dude -

 

img688.imageshack.us

post #609 of 625

When are McDonalds gonna sell ponyburgers?


Edited by wink - 5/9/13 at 12:04am
post #610 of 625
Quote:
Originally Posted by Albedo View Post

Food poisoning is not a joke, the build up of gases in the intestine is quite painful.

Now that's funny!

post #611 of 625

Funny private security contractors - that joke was totally awesome cool.gif

post #612 of 625

John E. Holden

 
Intelligencer Journal
Lancaster New Era
Updated Jun 03, 2013 09:00
 
 

John E. Holden, alias Jack, took the Deep Six, Monday, May 27, 2013 at the Willow Valley Retirement Community after a life filled with endless laughter and debauchery. While flying his beloved Corsair as a Marine Fighter Pilot during WWII, he was awarded the Distinguished Flying Cross for his combat activities, the Air Medal for action in Okinawa in 1945 and the Distinguished Fleeing Cross for avoiding numerous women who were seeking child support under unproven circumstances.

 

After WWII he spent eight years with the Armstrong Cork Company and resigned with the title of Assistant Director of Advertising plus a dinky pension. He then joined the Hubley Toy Company and later became an independent toy designer.

He was a longstanding member of the Lancaster Country Club, the Hamilton Club and the International Mickey Mouse Club from which he was immediately banned after providing housing for a number stray cats.

 

For many years prior to his demise, he wrote a tongue in cheek publication at ­Willow Valley called "The Wrinkle Valley News" where he had close to a thousand readers whom he referred to as "The Inmates of Wrinkle Valley." They fully enjoyed his creative humor and his intention to help them make unwise decisions in their ­hectic lives.

 

Jack was widowed ten years ago after sixty-one years of marriage to Elaine Ewing Holden. He has had a number of other wives recently, none of which were his. blink.gif  Three daughters, Holly, Wendy and Anne Holden and a son, John E. Holden, Jr. have managed to survive despite being related to their father. His last words were "I'm really going to miss myself." bigsmile_face.gif

 

Stay tuned for the "Gone Away" party to which the invitation may never come. In all seriousness, in lieu of flowers, please send ­donations to Honor Flight, 300 E. Auburn Avenue, Springfield, OH 45505 or www.­honorflight.org.

 

Jack Holden wrote this obituary several years ago.

 

/ Now that's humor ~

post #613 of 625

Two inmates escaped from an insane asylum one night.

As they were running through the forest, they could hear the guards and dogs hot on their heels.

They eventually reached a sheer cliff with no alternative but to go down.

As they only had a flashlight between them the first loony said.

"Look, no point both of us getting caught. What say I shine the torch to the other side of this ravine, and you could climb along the beam."

"What! Are you nuts?" replied the second loony "i'll probably get halfway across, and you'll turn out the light".

 

They eventually reached the base of the cliff without getting caught, and followed a stream to this beach just as dawn was breaking.

They saw a boat ramp and tourist setup where people could hire glass bottomed boats to row around the area.

As it was too early to be open, they stole one of the boats and started to paddle out to sea.

After going about 300 metres out to sea the second loony spotted this old pirate chest full of treasure beneath them.

"Mark that spot" the first loony said. "We'll come back later when we figure out a way to raise the treasure".

So they rowed back to the boat ramp and headed off into the forest to make their plans.

A couple hours later the first loony asked "by the way, how did you mark where the treasure is?"

"I put a big cross on the bottom of the boat" replied the second loony.

"You fool!" shouted the first loony "We may not get the same boat next time!"

post #614 of 625

One fine day in the middle of the night,
Two dead boys got up to fight,
Back to back they faced each other,
Drew their swords and shot each other,

One was blind and the other couldn't see
So they chose a dummy for a referee.
A blind man went to see fair play,
A dumb man went to shout "hooray!"

A paralyzed donkey passing by,
Kicked the blind man in the eye,
Knocked him through a nine inch wall,
Into a dry ditch and drowned them all,

A deaf policeman heard the noise,
And came to arrest the two dead boys,
If you don't believe this story’s true,
Ask the blind man he saw it too!

post #615 of 625
  • Can a cat play patty-cake? Pawsibly!
  • Can anything be smarter than a cat that can count? Yes, a spelling bee!
  • Did you hear about the cat who drank 5 bowls of water? He set a new lap record.
  • Did you hear about the cat who swallowed a ball of wool? She had mittens.
  • How did a cat take first prize at the bird show? He just jumped up to the cage, reached in, and took it.
  • How do cats eat spaghetti? The same as everyone else - they put it in their mouths!
  • How do cats end a fight? They hiss and make up.
  • How do you know if your cat has eaten a duckling? She's got that down in the mouth look!
  • How do you know that cats are sensitive creatures? They never cry over spilt milk!
  • How do you know when your cat has been using your computer? When your mouse has teeth marks on it!
  • How do you spell cat backwards? C-A-T-B-A-C-K-W-A-R-D-S!
  • How do you spell mousetrap in just three letters? C-A-T!
  • How do you stop a ten-pound parrot from talking too much? Buy a twenty-pound cat!
  • How does a cat count? One, mew, three!
  • How does a cat sing scales? Do-ri-me-ow!
  • How does the cat get its own way? With friendly purrsuasion.
  • How is a cat laying down like a coin? Because he has his head on one side and his tail on the other!
  • How is cat food sold? Usually purr can!
  • How many cats can you put into an empty box? Only one. After that, the box isn't empty.
  • If a cat can jump five feet high, then why can't it jump through a three foot window? Because the window is closed.
  • If a cat is a flabby tabby, then what is a very small cat? An itty bitty kitty.
  • If lights run on electricity and cars run on gas, what do cats run on? Their paws.
  • If there are ten cats on a boat and one jumps off, how many cats are left on the boat? None! They were copy cats.
  • In what kind of weather is a vet the busiest? When it's raining cats and dogs!
  • In which month do cats meow the least? February - it's the shortest month.
  • Is it bad luck if a black cat follows you? That depends on whether you're a man or a mouse.
  • On what should you mount a statue of your cat? A caterpillar!
  • What cat purrs more than any other? Purrsians!
  • What did one cat say to another? Have you heard the mews today!
  • What did the cat do when he swallowed some cheese? He waited by the mouse hole with baited breath!
  • What did the cat say when he lost all his money? I'm paw!
  • What did the freshman computer science major say when he was told that the work stations had mice? Don't you have a cat?
  • What did the mouse say when the cat bit his tail? That's the end of me!
  • What do baby cats wear? Dia-purrs!
  • What do cat actors say on stage? Tabby or not tabby!
  • What do cats like best on a hot day? Mice cream!
  • What do cats like to eat for breakfast? Mice Krispies.
  • What do cats read in the morning? Mewspapers!
  • What do cats use to make coffee? A purrcolator.
  • What do you call a cat that has just eaten a whole duck? A duck filled fatty puss!
  • What do you call a cat that lives in an igloo? An eskimew.
  • What do you call a cat that sucks on lemons? A sour puss!
  • What do you call a cat wearing shoes? Puss in boots!
  • What do you call a loving cat bite? Cat nip!
  • What do you call kittens who keep getting passed from owner to owner? Chain litter.
  • What do you call the cat that was caught by the police? The purrpatrator.
  • What do you do with a blue Burmese? Try and cheer it up a bit!
  • What do you get if cross a cat with a canary? Shredded tweet!
  • What do you get if cross a Tomcat with a Pekingese? A Peking Tom!
  • What do you get if you cross a cat and a gorilla? An animal that puts you out a night!
  • What do you get if you cross a cat with a bottle of vinegar? A sourpuss!
  • What do you get if you cross a cat with a canary? A peeping tom!
  • What do you get if you cross a cat with a parrot? A carrot!
  • What do you get if you cross a cat with a tree? A cat-a-log!
  • What do you get if you cross a cat with Father Christmas? Santa Claws!
  • What do you get when you cross a chick with an alley cat? A peeping tom.
  • What do you get when you cross an elephant with a cat? A big furry creature that purrs while it sits on your lap and squashes you.
  • What do you say to your cat when you go out? Have a mice day!
  • What do you use to comb a cat? A catacomb.
  • What does a cat call a bowl of mice? A purrfect meal!
  • What does a cat call a bowlful of mice? A purrr-fect meal!
  • What does a cat do when it gets mad? It has a hissy fit.
  • What does a cat like to eat on a hot day? A mice cream cone.
  • What does a cat that lives near the beach have in common with Christmas? Sandy Claws.
  • What does a sour puss eat? Crab meat!
  • What drinks milk, meows, and has eight legs? An octo-puss!
  • What grade did the cat get on his test? He got a Purrrr-fect score!
  • What happened when the cat ate a ball of wool? She had mittens!
  • What happened when the cat went to the flea circus? He stole the whole show!
  • What happens when two cats want the same dish of food? They get into a phsssssst fight!
  • What has more lives than a cat? A frog - it croaks all the time!
  • What is a cat's favorite car? The Catillac.
  • What is a cat's favorite color? Purrrrrrrple!
  • What is a cat's favorite movie? "The Sound of Mewsic."
  • What is a cat's favorite party game? Mews-ical chairs!
  • What is a cat's favorite song? Three Blind Mice
  • What is a cat's favorite subject in school? HISStory.
  • What is a cat's way of keeping law & order? Claw Enforcement.
  • What is a favorite cat tale? The Tortoiseshell and the Hair!
  • What is a French cat's favorite pudding? Chocolate mouse!
  • What is another name for a cat's home? A scratch pad.
  • What is another way to describe a cat? A heat seeking missile!
  • What is the best award a cat can earn? The Purr-litzer prize.
  • What is the cat's favorite magazine? Good Mousekeeping.
  • What is the cat's favorite TV show? The evening mews!
  • What is the difference between a cat and a comma? One has the paws before the claws and the other has the clause before the pause.
  • What is the name of the unauthorized autobiography of the cat? Hiss and Tell.
  • What is white, sugary, has whiskers and floats on the sea? A catameringue!
  • What kind of cat should you take into the desert? A first aid kitty!
  • What kind of cat will keep your grass short? A lawn meower.
  • What kind of cats purrs the best? Purrrrr-sians!
  • What looks like half a cat? The other half!
  • What newspapers do cats read? The Daily Mews!
  • What side of the cat has the most fur? The OUT-side.
  • What sport do cats play? Hairball!
  • What time is it when 12 cats chase a mouse? 12 after 1!
  • What works in a circus, walks a tightrope and has claws? An acrocat!
  • What would you call a cat that likes to dig on the beach? Sandy Claws.
  • What's a cat's favorite dessert? Chocolate mouse!
  • What's happening when you hear "woof... splat... meow... splat?" It's raining cats and dogs.
  • What's the unluckiest kind of cat to have? A catastrophe!
  • What's worse than raining cats and dogs? Hailing taxi cabs!
  • When the cat's away....? The house smells better!
  • Where does a cat go when it loses its tail? The retail store.
  • Where is one place that your cat can sit, but you can't? Your lap.
  • Which is the cats' all-time favorite song? "Three Blind Mice."
  • Which side of a cat has more hair? The outside, of course!
  • Who helped Cinderella's cat go to the ball? Her furry godmother!
  • Who was the most powerful cat in China? Chairman Miaow!
  • Why are cats longer in the evening than they are in the morning? Because they're let out in the evening and taken in in the morning!
  • Why are cats better than babies? Because you only have to change a litter box once a day.
  • Why are cats such good singers? Because they're very mewsical.
  • Why did a person with an unspayed female cat have to go to court? For kitty littering.
  • Why did the cat cross the road? It was the chicken's day off!
  • Why did the cat frown when she passed the hen house? Because she heard fowl language!
  • Why did the cat join the Red Cross? Because she wanted to be a first-aid kit!
  • Why did the cat put oil on the mouse? Because it squeaked.
  • Why did the cat put the letter "M" into the fridge? Because it turns "ice" into "mice"!
  • Why did the cat run from the tree? Because it was afraid of the bark!
  • Why did the cat sleep under the car? Because she wanted to wake up oily!
  • Why did the judge dismiss the entire jury made up of cats? Because each of them was guilty of purrjury.
  • Why did the litter of communist kittens become capitalists? Because they finally opened their eyes.
  • Why do cats chase birds? For a lark!
  • Why do people love cats? Because they are purrrrr-fect!
  • Why do tomcats fight? Because they like raising a stink!
  • Why do you always find the cat in the last place you look? Because you stop looking after you find it.
  • Why happened when the cat swallowed a coin? There was some money in the kitty!
  • Why is the cat so grouchy? Because he's in a bad mewd.
  • Why was the cat so small? Because it only drank condensed milk!
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