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This joke is totally awesome. - Page 36

post #526 of 625
Cat physics I hate to be a kill joy but the sollution is quite easy: 1) When you drop a piece of buttered bread, it lands with the buttered side down BS = Down to earth 2) When you drop a cat from a few feet, it lands upright. Cat feet = Down to earth If you strapped a piece of buttered bread to the back of a cat, which would land first. Law of cat Constraint (Symilar to the law of pill rejection) Any attempt to constrain a cat is equal or less than the potential energy to reach escape velocity. (applies to strapping devises) Firstly it is unlikely that the cat can be constrained without a thermonuclear hyrdaulic restraining devise. Should such devise be obtained another law will take over. The second law of Cat Composition A cat will conform to the standard laws of physics relating to solids unless such as the opening of food or dairy products occur - in which case it's ability to stretch twist and mould are equal or better than that of a liquid. The sollution is that in the case of a suitable contraining devise being found the toast will not land prior to the butter being consumed by the cat. So the BS is consumed by cat + cat feet = Down to earth If the cat doesn't survive it will come back and terrorise you in it's next life.
post #527 of 625

Umm... You guys lost me with all the cat physics. Anyway, here's a clip of me doing stand-up

.

post #528 of 625

^ you sir, are very funny!  jump.gifjump.gifjump.gif


Edited by fatcat28037 - 6/11/12 at 10:23am
post #529 of 625

Thanks! biggrin.gif

post #530 of 625

Three construction workers are on the seventy-fifth floor of a non-finished building.

The Italian opens his lunch box to find a pizza and says "Man, if I get pizza one more time I am going to jump off this building and fall to my death!"

The Chinese opens his lunch box to find rice and says "Man, if I get rice one more time I am going to jump off this building and fall to my death!"

The blonde opens his lunch box to find a cheeseburger and says" Man, if I get a cheeseburger one more time I'm going to jump off this building and fall to my death!"

 

So the next day they all got the same thing and they jumped off the building to their death.

 

That weekend at the funeral, the Italian and the Chinese wives are crying and saying "I would have fixed him something else for lunch but he never told me."

And as the two wives stare at the blonde's wife, they both ask why she isn't sad about her husband's death,

The blonde replies "Don't look at me, he packs his own lunch."

post #531 of 625

SpiderNhan and wink, very biggrin.gif !

post #532 of 625

An oldie but a goodie...

 

Jose Mourinho is visiting a school. In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a 'tragedy'.

One little boy stands up and says "that if my best friend who lives next door was playing in the street and a car came along and killed him that would be a tragedy."

"No", Jose says "that would be an ACCIDENT."

A girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved..... that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not." explains Mourinho. "That is what we would call a GREAT LOSS."

The room is silent, none of the children volunteer.

"What?" asks Mourinho. "Isn't there any one here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally a boy in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he says "If an aeroplane carrying The Chelsea team was blown up by a bomb, that would be a tragedy."

"Wonderful," Jose beams. "Marvellous, and can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says the boy "because it wouldn't be an ACCIDENT and it certainly wouldn't be a GREAT LOSS."

post #533 of 625
Thread Starter 

Did you hear about the Urologist that also worked as a mechanic? His specialty was emissions.

post #534 of 625

post #535 of 625
Thread Starter 

Or, more realistically:

 

Coffee: Poop easier and with more energy!

post #536 of 625

Music Lover #1:  Yeah, I went to hear Carmena Barina last night - loved it!

 

Music Lover #2:  You mean "Carmina Burana."

 

Music Lover #1:  No, it was Carmena Barina.

 

Music Lover #2:  You say "Carmena," I say "Carmina."  You say "Barina," I say "Burana."  Carmena, Carmina, Barina, Burana - let's call the whole thing Orff...

post #537 of 625

Jimmy: Ever seen mothballs?

 

Billy: Cerntainly, in my grandma's house all the time!

 

Jimmy: Well, how do you get it's little legs open?

post #538 of 625

Why was the blonde staring at the bottle of orange juice?

The label said concentrate.

post #539 of 625

post #540 of 625

Woman says to her husband "I've lost five pounds".

Husband replies "Gee, I hope you find them".

And then the fight began.

 

Woman says to her husband "I've lost a pound".

Husband replies "Gee, honey, you forgot to put your makeup on.".

And then the fight began.

 

What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her brains?

A widow.

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