Trounce
500+ Head-Fier
- Joined
- Dec 13, 2002
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Alright, I really have nowhere else to turn to, and I've been reading to forum for a long time and admire so many of its patrons. As well, because this is the internet and anonymity is unhindered, I figure I can shoot this question out in the air without fear of judgement or persecution.
Now, my father has always been mean. When I was a child, he was loving and caring, but had a brutal temper, and would break out in fits of rage that carried to verbal abuse. Let it be known now, onset, he has never hit me, my brother or my mother. Now that that is known, let me move onto recent events.
He and my mother have been on the brink of divorce forever, because they would fight and then make up, and because I was young, there was a maturity gap wherein I never understood the full extent of their nature; I figured that every couple fought and healed and things were just that way.
Now, in 2002 he was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis, and has inflicted it on us ever since. Now understand something: he is kind with money, but very little else. He has no sense of compassion or remorse, and believes intently that he can buy his way out of any problem. Case in point, there was always a new watch or pair of earrings for my mother after a fight, and for my brother and I a nice lunch and perhaps a video game and CD. I used to just enjoy the perks because the fighting, while it was intense with me, never really bothered me. Again, I just thought it was normal. It is extremely hard, nay, impossible, to love a man, in spite of his illness, when he is so cold and unloving. I have tried very hard, throughout my entire adolescence and early adult life, to love him, but have realized, to my dismay and relief, that I can't, and do not need to. He may be my biological father, but he has completely obliterated the role a father chooses to take upon having children. He just isn't a nice person. I have come to the realization that I hate him and probably always will. Please understand where I'm coming from; this is not a flaming, violent hatred, the type that he possesses, but rather a calculated, logical hatred that I have built up, perhaps as a defence mechanism, and consider it a necessity if I want to move on with my life.
This, however, is the pressing issue. I am messed up beyond belief, and am going to seek professional help, but my mother and my brother have bore the brunt of his anger for the past ten months. I have been in residence, downtown Toronto, and only hear of this abuse from my mother. He does things like call her trash, nothing, unlikeable, stupid, fat, ugly, anything you can imagine. He belittles her like nothing else, and expects a slave because of his illness (He is still completely mobile and has lost no use of his limbs... in other words, his needs have no drastically increased since the inception of the illness) just like his mother was to his father. He is constantly needy and demands her attention at all times. At night, he stands over her bed and spews doctrine about being a good wife to a sick husband, and tells her that she is a bad person. (Right now he is shouting at her, telling her to come to him in a menacing tone that makes me want to rip his guts out.)
She wants to divorce him, but feels bad about leaving a sick man by himself. I think that she is scared. ("What are you trying to prove, that you are the biggest troublemaker in the world?" That is what he just said to her.) She is not financially stable by herself, although her family won't let her down in that respect. Her entire family, including my brother and I, have told her repeatedly that she does not have to stay in an abusive relationship. He berates my brother, and at 15 is going bald from all the stress.
I could go on, but it's unnecessary. I need to know what to do. Should I call the police and get him arrested for domestic abuse, or hit him over the head with a baseball bat like I've been wanting to for months? This has gone on too far, and my mother is a wreck and she knows it. I sometimes wish he would just die and let us be, because I know that even if they get a divorce he will stalk her like he does now. I mean, does it make sense to anyone that he can hate someone so incessantly, yet need to know where she is every hour of the day? I know what it is, because he's sick in the head, but that doesn't excuse his behaviour. He thinks he can change my mother into this perfect housewife, who makes him coffee every morning and cleans his toenails at night. Now that wouldn't be out of the question in any marriage, but this is a loveless marriage, completely devoid of sensitivity and compassion on both their parts. How can she love someone who does this all the time? WHY DOESN'T HE REALIZE THIS!!?? It's so frustrating, and if you've come this far, I apologize for having vented, but I needed to. This prose doesn't come close to disclosing my true feelings and insecurities surrounding this precarious situation, but being eighteen and on the verge of a mental catastrophe, dealing with exams as well, I just find that many days I can't make sense of out of anything.
So without further ado, any suggestions would be grand.
Thank you,
Daniel
Now, my father has always been mean. When I was a child, he was loving and caring, but had a brutal temper, and would break out in fits of rage that carried to verbal abuse. Let it be known now, onset, he has never hit me, my brother or my mother. Now that that is known, let me move onto recent events.
He and my mother have been on the brink of divorce forever, because they would fight and then make up, and because I was young, there was a maturity gap wherein I never understood the full extent of their nature; I figured that every couple fought and healed and things were just that way.
Now, in 2002 he was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis, and has inflicted it on us ever since. Now understand something: he is kind with money, but very little else. He has no sense of compassion or remorse, and believes intently that he can buy his way out of any problem. Case in point, there was always a new watch or pair of earrings for my mother after a fight, and for my brother and I a nice lunch and perhaps a video game and CD. I used to just enjoy the perks because the fighting, while it was intense with me, never really bothered me. Again, I just thought it was normal. It is extremely hard, nay, impossible, to love a man, in spite of his illness, when he is so cold and unloving. I have tried very hard, throughout my entire adolescence and early adult life, to love him, but have realized, to my dismay and relief, that I can't, and do not need to. He may be my biological father, but he has completely obliterated the role a father chooses to take upon having children. He just isn't a nice person. I have come to the realization that I hate him and probably always will. Please understand where I'm coming from; this is not a flaming, violent hatred, the type that he possesses, but rather a calculated, logical hatred that I have built up, perhaps as a defence mechanism, and consider it a necessity if I want to move on with my life.
This, however, is the pressing issue. I am messed up beyond belief, and am going to seek professional help, but my mother and my brother have bore the brunt of his anger for the past ten months. I have been in residence, downtown Toronto, and only hear of this abuse from my mother. He does things like call her trash, nothing, unlikeable, stupid, fat, ugly, anything you can imagine. He belittles her like nothing else, and expects a slave because of his illness (He is still completely mobile and has lost no use of his limbs... in other words, his needs have no drastically increased since the inception of the illness) just like his mother was to his father. He is constantly needy and demands her attention at all times. At night, he stands over her bed and spews doctrine about being a good wife to a sick husband, and tells her that she is a bad person. (Right now he is shouting at her, telling her to come to him in a menacing tone that makes me want to rip his guts out.)
She wants to divorce him, but feels bad about leaving a sick man by himself. I think that she is scared. ("What are you trying to prove, that you are the biggest troublemaker in the world?" That is what he just said to her.) She is not financially stable by herself, although her family won't let her down in that respect. Her entire family, including my brother and I, have told her repeatedly that she does not have to stay in an abusive relationship. He berates my brother, and at 15 is going bald from all the stress.
I could go on, but it's unnecessary. I need to know what to do. Should I call the police and get him arrested for domestic abuse, or hit him over the head with a baseball bat like I've been wanting to for months? This has gone on too far, and my mother is a wreck and she knows it. I sometimes wish he would just die and let us be, because I know that even if they get a divorce he will stalk her like he does now. I mean, does it make sense to anyone that he can hate someone so incessantly, yet need to know where she is every hour of the day? I know what it is, because he's sick in the head, but that doesn't excuse his behaviour. He thinks he can change my mother into this perfect housewife, who makes him coffee every morning and cleans his toenails at night. Now that wouldn't be out of the question in any marriage, but this is a loveless marriage, completely devoid of sensitivity and compassion on both their parts. How can she love someone who does this all the time? WHY DOESN'T HE REALIZE THIS!!?? It's so frustrating, and if you've come this far, I apologize for having vented, but I needed to. This prose doesn't come close to disclosing my true feelings and insecurities surrounding this precarious situation, but being eighteen and on the verge of a mental catastrophe, dealing with exams as well, I just find that many days I can't make sense of out of anything.
So without further ado, any suggestions would be grand.
Thank you,
Daniel