Questions about campus life from a parent

[Tuberoller]

My kid is killing me. I sent her off to school a few weeks ago and she calls everyday complaining about how terrible it is. She's never acted spoiled or anything,has always had a job and this complaining thing is really odd for her. I guess she's having problems with her room mate and roaches and bad food and all kinds of shortages of common stuff. I love my kid but I hate to answer the phone now. She complained last night about a campus cop(I guess) who has been very agressively flirting with her. She said she's very sure her roomate wears her clothes when she's not around and caught her wearing a blouse. I think all this stuff is kinda petty and silly but she's getting really upset about it. Is college life typically like this? My daughter is a first year at Columbia and she ain't having a good time so far. Any suggestions?

 

[Iron_Dreamer]

Well, I've had issues with my school from time to time, but none as bas as some you describe. I don't think what your daughter is going through is typical by any means, she is just down on her luck it would seem. Plus Columbia isn't known for being one of the more student-friendly univ's, at least from what I've heard. I'd believe the bugs complaint, I've seen that first-hand, though fortunately not in my own building. Fortunately you will have that NY winter to get rid of those pests if nothing else. Bad food (at dining halls?) is another one of those campus-to-campus issues. I've never had a meal plan or ate at them enough here to tell you, but at least most people I've ever known at USC don't complain about the food too much. Roommates will be roommates. If you can't make up with them, it is best to get reassigned before they drive one batty.

 

[JMT]

I have no first hand experience...yet. My son decided to spend a couple of years at a J.C.

But, maybe she is just homesick.

 

[mjg]

well,

i'll say this, (not to your discouragement) but guys at college tend to be very horny, and a bueaitful girl on campus will get plenty of attention from anyone... A not so beautful one will be attacked even more though, because they seem to be easier to approach by most bashful guys.

Roaches? Sure, we had em, depending on how disgusting her roomate is, or the building, she might have to deal with people leaving food around, that happens alot. She's probablly still in transition shock, give her time. If her roomate turns out to be a total pain, she can swap rooms, or beter yet get a single.

I returned to campus life at 23, and i couldnt take it for more then a year, it's very in your face, and for someone used to things their way, in can be more then shock treatment.

Suggestions to you/daughter, recommend campus activities to keep her out of the room, and with a group of people. This will keep your daughter safe since she will be around groups of people. Also, will make it easier to make friends, and friends will make her happier in general. Study in library, avoid dorms all together, just sleep there...

p.s just a thought, recommend her to talk to this roomate, and try and see if things can be smoothed out. Somtimes words (rather then non) can prove to be the best solution to a seemingly impossible problem. If all else fails, there are measures, but why not humor the opportunity? College is also about learning about othere people, sort of brings you up to speed with the fact we live in a world full of .... people ..

Good luck.

 

[diogenes]

Common first year stuff.
At the end of the semester she might be able to switch roommates.
Until then tell her to have fun and worry about learning interesting things as there is not much anyone can do about it right now. So, worrying about it is just going to subtract from the overall experience.

 

[BlindTiger]

I've seen those campus security. since I wasn't a student they kept my ID. You also gotta know the local ny men are more aggressive.
I'm guessing she's living off campus at one of the dorms, which are actually really old buildings. So you would definately see roaches. Food? she must be on the dinner plan for freshmen. I would think she'll be busy with school work once the semester gets rolling.
There's always cool stuff to do there. I've met Isabella Rossolini at the Italian club during a screening.
Frat row was nothing special. Visit the diner that's in Seinfeld. Their football team when I was there never won a game. There's always some protest going on, which is a good way to meet people.
I don't know but when I was there, J and R had an outlet on campus. Everything was priced less than at the main store.

 

[Tuberoller]

I'm thinkin' she's homesick too. I'm on the phone with her again right now and she's all bent about some guys hitting on her at an orientation or something. She said the host and another guy were very agressive and the woman who works in student services(the person she complains to about the room mate) is gay and is hitting on her too. I feel bad for her(a tiny bit)but I also wish she would deal with some of this stuff on her own. I don't wanna make it sound like she's spoiled because that is absolutely not the case. She's a very hard worker and good kid so it is difficult for me to dismiss her complaints. I'm trying to convince my wife not to fly out there tomorrow but she's on the other phone buying plane tickets right now. I was gonna say I miss her but she calls so much it feels like she never left. I guess I'm still a bit pissed about her calling during the football games today but I'm trying to understand. Thanks for the advice guys.

 

[plainsong]

I only really had one good roomate out of the three years I was at university. But the last two semesters I lucked out and no one got assigned to my room. My first semester there was the overly conservative Christian goody-goody type, who had pink frilly stuff all over the room, and in the room nextdoor were her ultra-fake friends. Now of course all this is nothing because at least my stuff isn't being stolen or anything, but things got rough when some friends of mine came over to watch tv, and I ended in making out with a guy not of their race. From that point on, things were cold, really cold. How sad for them.

My second semester, I stayed in the same dorm, but moved to another floor. That semester I got assigned a roomate who was on exchange from UMASS. Oh was she rude! Would do things like come in at 4am and turn on the overhead light. She never followed the cleaning schedule, but yelled at me if I suddenly was going home on the weekend (I decided to stop caring if she didn't. I wasn't her maid). It wasn't a co-ed dorm, but she had her boyfriend come and visit. Now she cleared that bit with me, and I had friends off-campus so I had no problem..

But here's what really happened: Firstly, he stole ram from my computer. The idiot left the screwdriver there as a clue, and I opened it up and checked. I took the ram out of the bag he left there, so too bad for him. Secondly, one weekend turned into 3 weeks. And it was exam time. Thirdly, when she left all sorts of drug paraphenalia and beer cans under my bed when she finally left at the end of term. I guess they had a party. But luckily the only thing that they tried to steal with the ram.

I had friends of course, but they all lived off-campus and my parents never believed how living off-campus could be cheaper, and more stress-free. It was thanks to my friends that I had more welcoming places to stay during those rough times.

And the campus cafeteria: what a joke. It was open at odd times, meaning, during your classes, at least for music majors. My parents always paid for the full plan even though I told them the caf was never open when I was free. I must have eaten like once a week and was always on the verge of passing out.

My parents gave me 20 bucks a week, and refused to let me take my car. Enough said there. They weren't in this century. I can understand fear of partying, but I was starving to death because of the cafeteria hours, and no money and no car! That 20 also had to cover supplies. And meanwhile my parents would brag about how they could pay my way through college with no loans.

And yes, the guys in college are generally horndogs. Especially at my school, where it was a 7 to 1 ratio of girls to guys. If you wanted a relationship, you had to have sex. The guys were very honest about this. And a lot of these beautiful sorority girls had no self-esteem at all.

But on the other side of the coin, I did my fair share of playing the field. Once I got it through my skull that boyfriend types don't apply at this school, I had my own fun. And as irony has it, it's when you stop looking, that you find Mr. Right, because that's when I met my husband, and it was the last thing in the world I was looking for.

So in short, yeah, I'd believe your daughter, especially about the bad roomate and the unethical rent-a-cop. I think if you showed up looking kind of menacing during homecoming weekend or some such, he might back off.

 

[mjg]

tube-roller laying the smack-down.

That should be a fun way to fix the problem ; )


Plainsong;

Sounds bold to say it but, had you not experienced all that negativity, in an indirect way did it not allow you to find your husband in some weird strange sense? I think things shape up well in spite of bad situations. If anything, it shapes you and makes you stronger, it allows you to find out the person you are. College seems to be the place to find yourself.

 

[eric343]

Quote:

Originally Posted by plainsong And yes, the guys in college are generally horndogs. Especially at my school, where it was a 7 to 1 ratio of girls to guys. If you wanted a relationship, you had to have sex. The guys were very honest about this. And a lot of these beautiful sorority girls had no self-esteem at all.

What college was this again?

 

[Jasper994]

Quote:

Originally Posted by mjg tube-roller laying the smack-down. That should be a fun way to fix the problem ; )

Or his wife... I seem to remember an incident not to long ago that involved her pulling a gun on a potential assailent until the cops arrived. I still think you have the coolest wife in the world Tubes...

Anyway, most likely she's really dealing with all of this and combined with being homesick she's bound to be a little more sensative than normal. Give her time and be supportive.

 

[TenaciousO]

It sounds like your daughter is a bit of a daddy's girl. College is just as much learning about life as it is about great philosophers and their theories, and if there is one thing that I learned about life, it's that it can be unpleasant at times. You just have to deal with it.

I think you should be stern with her and tell her that she needs to fend for herself a bit. If I were you, I'd also try to distance myself a bit and give her some clear hints that she shouldn't call everyday. She's going to deal with these issues all throughout her life, and no amount of complaining will make things better. Furthermore, put your foot down and stop your wife from flying over there. That'll only prolong your daughter's growing pains. Your daughter is using you and your wife as crutches. I say take them away, and make her walk!

 

[tiberian]

annoying roommates and bad food are common, but roaches? thats just plain nasty.
for the first 2 problems, guess there is no choice but wait till the lease is over and move out...
last 2 semesters i got lucky, didn't get into serious trouble except crappy overpriced dorm food, i got ripped off so bad.

 

[Jahn]

have your daughter talk to the dorm manager - if he/she doesnt sort out that roomie, then have her take it to the campus grievance committee (if they still have those things). plus asking for a reassignment because of a roomie is done alot. also talking to a campus counselor has no shame - she can complain all she wants and the counselor wont think she's insane - they've heard it all.

as for the food - tell her to get a minifridge and go shopping at the local Safeway. there's a huge bulk one right on 125th and she can get stocked up for a while there - put her on the flex pay cafeteria thing, so she can still goto eat with her friends, but if she wants to pack a lunch she can skip it and eat some great NYC food out there. on your tab.

as for the fresh guard, that's easy - tell her to get his name, then goto the supervisor. that guard will be GONE.

 

[Tuberoller]

Well my wife is leaving in the morning to go deal with this so i guess my involvement is nil.

I know I'm making it sound like my kid is a daddy's girl but she is so far from that I'm kinda worried things really are as bad as she's saying. She works really hard and I can't remember the last time she asked for money(really,it's been literally years). She bought a concession stand and did really well the last two summers and bought her own car,her own computers and all her stuff for school. She left her car at home voluntarily and has'nt even asked about it. She was smart enough to dump her @**hole boyfriend instead of trying to have a long distance relationship with him and she did'nt get all choked up when she left. She and her sister are two of the most mature and independent people I know and they're my own kids. This just seems so out-of-character for her,and is the reason my wife is going there to get to the bottom of this. I really don't like the fact that everyone there seems so stinkin' horny.


A few of the guys have met my wife and they'll tell you she's a very beautiful woman but she looks like she'll kick your @ss good. She can handle herself and this situation just fine.

Plainsong,I attended UW Madison for one year and I lost my mind. This is likely karma coming back at me for all the stuff I did. I went nuts. I was'nt chasing after girls,they were chasing after me but I rarely said no. I never got anything done and I wasted a scholarship some more deserving kid should have received. That entire year was a huge orgy and I regret I was such an idiot. If I could go back and talk to the 17 year old Fred,I would slap him and tell him to get sober and go to class. I hope my daughter stays far away from the guys who are anything like I was.