wonderwall
100+ Head-Fier
- Joined
- Jul 23, 2008
- Posts
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- 11
A little background here. I do have friends, a few anyway. But what with people moving away, growing apart, etc. my network of friends is growing smaller. I'm down to three actual friends left, one of whom is busy with her boyfriend 90% of the time. This wouldn't be so bad. I can and have been perfectly content with just one or two friends. The big problem is that my life practically revolves around one of them, my best friend, who it's pathetically obvious I'm in love with. He knows this, as he kind of forced me into talking about it, having already caught on. And there was about a month there where he kind of left me hanging not knowing exactly what was what. The night we talked about it, he slept over (in my bed to boot) and we kind of fell asleep talking.. which meant that we were both only kind of half there. So when I asked him what he thought about this or how he felt about it (like if he felt the same), his answer was very vague and essentially "I don't know, I'm not sure yet".
So on New Year's Day, everything finally came to a head and I got past my usual avoidance of dealing and blew up at him and told him just to give me an answer so I can get past the whole thing. He was under the impression he already had. So it seems that it was a misunderstanding and a lack of communication that had me going crazy for almost a month. He apologized and blamed himself for the whole thing, though we both couldn't stop laughing after I got done yelling, lol. He says he's straight, so that's the end of that. We should be able to just go back to being friends the way things were, right? But everything just feels weird now. So I took a few days, kind of went on a break from him, which he wasn't crazy about, but supported anyway. That lasted about three days, at which point I thought that was enough, and broke the silence. Now I wish I hadn't. I don't know what the hell happened, but I think I broke it. I still basically feel the same way about him, but in a way I kind of hate him too. Not for not being what I want, but because recently, he does not seem at all like the person I've known. Him joining the marines has also been a major strain on our friendship, as I am rather anti-violence and all he can talk about is the cool ways he's going to kill people. Or the ways he can get a medal of honor, most of which involve him getting killed. :\
So it's become very clear recently that I need some more friends. Even he agrees with me on that, since he's not going to be around here much longer. I appreciate that he's been a reliable friend to me, that he didn't freak out when he found out how I felt and all that. I think it's nice that we can put up with each other's crazy **** but lately... I just know I need to get away from him. The way my personality is, I am way too attached to him. And while getting attached isn't a bad thing, getting attached to unavailable people who's views and way of life now completely conflict with yours probably is. Sometimes I kind of wish he'd get sick of me and end it to save me the trouble and guilt of having to.
So that brings me to where I am now. I don't know how to make friends. I really don't. Most of the friends I've ever had (and that's still not a ton) have been happy accidents. One girl, I worked with for a while at a very small business where we were both basically at the same desk most of the day. Another friend, female, I actually knew from online and somehow ended up hanging out. She later introduced me to her guy friend who was my best friend for a long time before moving away. The girl from work introduced me to her best friend, who introduced me to her (at the time) boyfriend who is now the best friend I speak of. Long story short, every single one of these involved minimal effort on my part. Even with the best friend, he offered to give me a ride home one day which is how we hit it off. Times in the past where I have actually tried to make friends, it was always a total failure. I would ask people what they were doing, if they wanted to hang out sometime, etc. and they would either seem uncomfortable or just be perpetually busy. Granted, I probably only asked once or twice but I don't want to be a pest.
The friends I do have seem to think I'm pretty awesome, lol. Yeah, I'm a bit weird at times, goofy as all hell. But I'm fun and witty and all that. So not sure why it's so hard for me to make friends, aside from just generally not opening up to people well. So how do you guys do it? How do you make new friends?
(If this post says anything, it might be that being extremely long-winded at times does not help.)
So on New Year's Day, everything finally came to a head and I got past my usual avoidance of dealing and blew up at him and told him just to give me an answer so I can get past the whole thing. He was under the impression he already had. So it seems that it was a misunderstanding and a lack of communication that had me going crazy for almost a month. He apologized and blamed himself for the whole thing, though we both couldn't stop laughing after I got done yelling, lol. He says he's straight, so that's the end of that. We should be able to just go back to being friends the way things were, right? But everything just feels weird now. So I took a few days, kind of went on a break from him, which he wasn't crazy about, but supported anyway. That lasted about three days, at which point I thought that was enough, and broke the silence. Now I wish I hadn't. I don't know what the hell happened, but I think I broke it. I still basically feel the same way about him, but in a way I kind of hate him too. Not for not being what I want, but because recently, he does not seem at all like the person I've known. Him joining the marines has also been a major strain on our friendship, as I am rather anti-violence and all he can talk about is the cool ways he's going to kill people. Or the ways he can get a medal of honor, most of which involve him getting killed. :\
So it's become very clear recently that I need some more friends. Even he agrees with me on that, since he's not going to be around here much longer. I appreciate that he's been a reliable friend to me, that he didn't freak out when he found out how I felt and all that. I think it's nice that we can put up with each other's crazy **** but lately... I just know I need to get away from him. The way my personality is, I am way too attached to him. And while getting attached isn't a bad thing, getting attached to unavailable people who's views and way of life now completely conflict with yours probably is. Sometimes I kind of wish he'd get sick of me and end it to save me the trouble and guilt of having to.
So that brings me to where I am now. I don't know how to make friends. I really don't. Most of the friends I've ever had (and that's still not a ton) have been happy accidents. One girl, I worked with for a while at a very small business where we were both basically at the same desk most of the day. Another friend, female, I actually knew from online and somehow ended up hanging out. She later introduced me to her guy friend who was my best friend for a long time before moving away. The girl from work introduced me to her best friend, who introduced me to her (at the time) boyfriend who is now the best friend I speak of. Long story short, every single one of these involved minimal effort on my part. Even with the best friend, he offered to give me a ride home one day which is how we hit it off. Times in the past where I have actually tried to make friends, it was always a total failure. I would ask people what they were doing, if they wanted to hang out sometime, etc. and they would either seem uncomfortable or just be perpetually busy. Granted, I probably only asked once or twice but I don't want to be a pest.
The friends I do have seem to think I'm pretty awesome, lol. Yeah, I'm a bit weird at times, goofy as all hell. But I'm fun and witty and all that. So not sure why it's so hard for me to make friends, aside from just generally not opening up to people well. So how do you guys do it? How do you make new friends?
(If this post says anything, it might be that being extremely long-winded at times does not help.)
