[PinkFloyd]

She dumped me 3 months ago and has left me feeling like **** to this day but now she comes up with the "let's be friends" thing.

I say "ok" but she says "it's way too soon to be friends and meet up, there hasn't been enough water under the bridge yet" her idea of "friends" seems to be when it suits her needs irrespective of what I need. (I'll call you when I want to speak kinda thing)

Her "tone" on the phone is like she is speaking to somebody she has never met and she even said "I don't want you to feel you are dependant on me" I'm really confused here and would appreciate a bit of feedback...........

We were together 12 years yet it feels like I've never known her or cannot recognise what she has become......... is it possible to be friends?

Pinkie.

 

[raymondlin]

Sorry to hear that, the friends thing do happen. Depends on the reason of the breakup and the way it happened, for me I am stil on good terms with my ex but it is difficult to see them when you are not completely over them.

 

[john_jcb]

I think it is possible but unlikely that a true friendship will develop out of this. It might be easier to think of it as we will not be enemies for now and maybe sometime down the road a friendship may develop.

Then again she may have realized that the reasons she called it off are not really so valid. The grass on the other side was not as green as she thought. Have you ever really talked about it with her? No anger just a calm discussion.

Maybe in the 12 years you really never knew her, maybe she never let you in.

This is a hard one especially not knowing either of you.

 

[blessingx]

Sorry to hear. I was once at an exes when she was whispering to a new boyfriend on the phone about my visit (to drop off her cat) and it still hurts when I think about how she sounded. We're very good friends now, but every once in a while I think about that day. The simple answer is you can't be friends until you're both able to be friends. So maybe letting it wait for a while is a good thing. It's way too easy to question the other persons separation process. And all those thoughts (if she feels this way now, could she ever have really felt that way before) are bad circles to get in. Give it some time and take care of yourself. If you both want to stay friends, you are friends. It just may not be active for a bit. Sacrifice the near term for the long.

And hate to pull out of sappy movie quote at the end here, but the Adaptation line you are what you love, not what loves you back seems important at any time, but especially around a breakup.

Good luck.

 

[jpelg]

Dude, what did I tell you when you originally posted about this? She is ****ing with your head!

Cut the cord. it is for your own good and sanity. No relationship whatsoever. Meet up years from now when both of you have had plenty of sex with other people, and you can walk away without feeling anything. But for now, stay away. I am totally serious about this.

 

[williamgoody]

I agree with Jpelg.

This is the woman with the esteem problems who left you after 12 loyal years for another guy, right?

Enough said.

 

[archosman]

12 years is a long time. You said she left you feeling like **** since then. She seems to have set the boundaries of the "relationship" you have now. Maybe it would be best to walk away. I'm not in your shoes so I can't say I know how you feel, but after all that time if this is the final result why wallow in sorrow over something you wanted and it won't come to pass...

 

[ai0tron]

"when it suits her needs irrespective of what I need. "


ding ding ding ding ding ding ding!!! CongratUlations! What do we have for him johnny??!!

In other words, DAMN STRAIGHT.

Sounds like my EX girlfriend. After we broke up she called me 2-3 times a week, for about 5 years, I called her as well. We didn't see each other so much though, we talked alot. And then she started dropping hints like we were going to get back together. I was all for it, I mean, I loved the gal, then it went to ****. She was just ****ing with my head. On one hand, she claims I am the most important person in her life, on the other hand, she seems to enjoy leading me on then telling me how shes suddenly fallen in love with some other **** up. GO FIGURE. No, it doesn't make sense that I would be the most important person in her life and yet she can't even figure out what I am to her. NO SENSE. NONE.

So be comforted by that at least.

And oh yeah, I definately thought she turned into some kind of super bitch-monster for awhile there. I've known since she was 15, I just couldn't fathom where that sweet young girl went off too.

It's one of the most disillusioning experiences of my life. In fact, of all the things I have had to endure, watching that sweet girl become a heartless, confused bitch was one of the hardest things in the world. Thats what happens when you aren't raised right... I hate to say that, her parents are good people, but they spoiled the **** out of her, and they aren't very outgoing about showing love.

It's sad, but despite it all, I still have hope for her.

Having been through a similar experience of friendship with an X. I'd say, say bye to the woman and try your best to move on. She might come running back, be tough about it. Go so a councilor, or something. Thats what I did.

 

[KTpG]

My ex-gf likes to play games with your mind and emotions, even though she is not intelligent at all....

Throughout the relationship, she liked to play the 'oh so and so asked me out' or the 'this group of guys at the mall said i was cute' crap. I hate that stuff. I told her to stop telling me, but she never did... she liked to irritate me. So, eventually, I just got sad enough that I started forgetting her and blocking her out... so, I ignored her and she broke up with me. Yes, I wanted HER to break up with me, so she would be the bad guy. She deserved that, after all. So, from then on, for a week straight, she begged for me to be with her again... finally I said, ok, maybe it was a mistake, I realize you were a big part of my life. At that point, she did a complete 180 and said, no I need time to think whether we should be back together or not. From then on, she told everyone that she broke up with me and I begged for her back, which I never did... I eventually told her to just leve me alone and not speak to me because I didn't like the games she plays, but she insists upon hanging around and bugging me...

Lesson learned: hate her. lol No... Really what I learned was to go for the good looking girl I always thought I had no chance with. I was all sad after my gf and I first broke up and then ended up together again the next day (we broke up twice- 2nd time for good). During my sadness, I was attending a school function with other schoolmates, one of which was the best looking girl in my school (IMO) whom I have liked for years, but never told her. The events of that day have led me to believe that she may just be interested... I am now playing my cards carefully as I don't want to screw this up.

IN short... we have all probably been screwed pver by some girl. Well, not like that... maybe... ha... anyway... sorry for what happened to you... Maybe she will come to her senses...

 

[pigmode]

Quote:

Originally posted by PinkFloyd She dumped me 3 months ago and has left me feeling like **** to this day but now she comes up with the "let's be friends" thing. I

Man, which movies do they get these lines from? They even use it here in the middle of the Pacific. I think it usaully means they are happy to be away from you, but still like you as a sort of puppy dog.

Here's the bottom line. You're bummed; She's not. You cannot hanlde such a friendship. Avoid contact and cut the line. If she calls tell her so. Don't say you need time (to carry on a friendship). Everytime you have contact, you move back to square one.

 

[PinkFloyd]

Quote:

Originally posted by pigmode Man, which movies do they get these lines from? They even use it here in the middle of the Pacific. I think it usaully means they are happy to be away from you, but still like you as a sort of puppy dog. Here's the bottom line. You're bummed; She's not. You cannot hanlde such a friendship. Avoid contact and cut the line. If she calls tell her so. Don't say you need time (to carry on a friendship). Everytime you have contact, you move back to square one.

Pigmode, what you said there is so so true! I'd go a couple of weeks and convince myself that we could be friends and then give her a ring and "boom" right back to square one again... all of my feelings for her came back and I was emotionally right back where I started.

You're right too when you say that I'm the one who is "bummed" and she quite frankly couldn't give a damn whether I was alive or dead so why should I waste my thoughts and torture myself over her..... she's probably out enjoying herself with somebody new as I type this.

It's so hard letting go of somebody you love though, especially after 12 years, but I think I really must let go or I'll go mad..... you guys have been very helpful and have contributed to making me see sense.... if she doesn't love me anymore I have to accept it but the friendship thing is a definate "NO" I could be friends if I felt the same way about her as she does about me but the way things stand I'm just winding myself up and really need to cut the emotional cord once and for all.

It's been many years since I last broke up with a girl and would appreciate some input as to what the best thing to say to her is if she calls again..... would "**** off I never want too see your ugly face" do or can anyone think of a more subtle approach to use I don't wan't to go off on a bad note yet, I can't see any other way of doing it???

Pinkie.

 

[williamgoody]

Pinkie

The best way I see it is when you have a conversation with her, just leave all of your emotion out of it and have one of those "matter of fact" conversations. You should approach it as though it doesn't really matter whether you have a conversation with her, or not. And you can't conversate in fear of "if you say something wrong she'll never talk to you again."

The best relationships I had (and longest) were when I wasn't afraid of losing my girlfriend. It allowed me to be totally myself and made for a better relationship with my girlfriends.

 

[blessingx]

I'm definitely not in the **** off I never want too see your ugly face camp. Not sure I agree with a lot said above posts (though don't know the whole story), but generally agree in principle, and you see the consenses over what you should do. Why not just be a man and say the truth- "Listen, it hurt when you split. I need some time to sort it out. I'd appreciate it if you didn't call for awhile. I call you when I'm ready."

 

[jpelg]

Quote:

Why not just be a man and say the truth...."

Wrong! I do not advocate telling the truth at all. Whether the truth means telling her that "it was painfull, blah, blah, blah", or if it means "**** off". As much as you'd perhaps like to say one or the other, or both, fight these urges with every fiber of your being! Completely burning a bridge will not really help you in the long run.

The best revenge is living well. Let her see that you are well-adjusted, moving on, and maybe even involved in one or two female relationships (let her find out through the grapevine, not directly from you). If she calls, speak to her very matter-of-factly, with little or not emotion (at least towards her or relative to your prior relationship with her). Don't blow her off if she calls. Just be too busy to spend time with her. If she give you a "booty call", just oblige her of you feel so inclined, and send her on her way as if it meant nothing to you emotionally. All of this will drive her crazy! She will either 1.) begin to feel the pangs of regret, or 2.) she will just see the futility in ****ing with your head and stop bothering you. Either way, you win.

Whatever you do, don't wear your heart on your sleave, especially around her, and don't become an "intellectual whore" (see Ladder Theory). And just make sure that you mean all of what you say, and that you really try to move on for yourself.

 

[elrod-tom]

Quote:

Originally posted by jpelg The best revenge is living well. Let her see that you are well-adjusted, moving on, and maybe even involved in one or two female relationships (let her find out through the grapevine, not directly from you). If she calls, speak to her very matter-of-factly, with little or not emotion (at least towards her or relative to your prior relationship with her). Don't blow her off if she calls. Just be too busy to spend time with her. If she give you a "booty call", just oblige her of you feel so inclined, and send her on her way as if it meant nothing to you emotionally. All of this will drive her crazy! She will either 1.) begin to feel the pangs of regret, or 2.) she will just see the futility in ****ing with your head and stop bothering you. Either way, you win.

Ditto....she's messing with your head, Pinkie. It won't stop until she sees that you're no longer the fall-back if her current relationship doesn't pan out.