LESSON LEARNED: DO NOT LOAN MONEY TO FAMILY MEMBERS!
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Welly Wu

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About two years ago, my father and mother had the opportunity to travel back to their "home:" Indonesia with my cousin. My father requested to borrow $1900 USD from me to which I readily agreed. Part of the money was "spending money" while the other reasons were to "pay bills" and even to buy a 3.2 mega pixel digital camera "to take pictures while we there."

He still has not been able to pay me back in full. Mind you: together, they make well over $65,000 USD annually. He pays me back $50 USD at the end of each month but he has failed to pay me back for the past three full months. I still do not understand why. Now, I am told that they can not begin repayments until well after May 1st, 2004 when my second eldest cousin is going to get married.

I appreciate their love, support, and financial sacrifice shown to me over the past several years. However, I have learned a hard lesson: never loan money to family members for any reason even if it concerns matters of their health and well being. It just adds tension and strain on the familial relationship. I admit that my father has the worst credit history in all of America but I feel that the love and trust I showed to him two years ago was taken advantage of badly to this day. I knew he could never repay me back in full within a reasonable period of time yet I look at his extravagant lifestyle full of x, y, z subscriptions that literally force him to say, "Sorry, I don't have any money" at the end of each month.

The real worry in my life is not whether he will pay me back in full -- he will for I will see to it. The real worry is whether all of those years when he spent more than he earned -- those financial life lessons taught to me unwittingly -- will pass on to me. I refuse to allow myself to fall into the same financial traps that he did.

There are positive things to note in my life. I have been an avid Head-Fi member for the past year and a half. For all the time and money I spent, I am proud to say that I never had to say those same words, "Sorry, I don't have any money" when it came to living my life both as an headphone audiophile and a human being. In fact, I am in much better financial shape at this very moment in my life thanks to God and a little financial seminar course offered by my local church called the Good $ense Budget Course. For example, I am also glad that I decided to heed my sound financial judgment and not purchase the Denon DVD 5900 at $1600 USD because at the time I was considering a source component upgrade that would have literally killed me. Thank God I decided to work hard, save carefully, and cut 'n trim unnecessary expenses to be able to afford my Pioneer Elite DV-59AVi for far less than the MSRP. So, there is hope yet for me in my financial affairs.

I apologize for the rant but learn from my painful family lessons: do not loan money to family members who are fiscally irresponsible because it will prove to be your own sorrowful mistake.
 
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danaa

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Yes, they don't seem to mix well, do they?

I know it's hard to, but I'd really advise you to wash it under the bridge - lesson learned. Family is just more important than money. Sorry about what happened though.
 
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Andrew Pielet

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How much money has your family spent on you? (Education, Clothing, Shelter etc...)
 
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Wodgy

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Very wise advice. The only thing I don't agree with you about is the part about not lending money for health expenses. Those ones you have to evaluate one at a time. If something happens to your parents and you could have helped them but didn't, it could damage you in ways that transcend finances.

On this matter though, you should put your foot down. There's no reason your parents can't pay you back $50 a month if they're making that kind of money. Putting their obligations to you on the back burner so they can do something in the future is unfair to you, and could result in you feeling resentful towards them (since they're putting your cousin's needs before your needs). You should have an honest talk with them and explain how this makes you feel. Don't emphasize the money aspect. Emphasize your feelings, and perhaps offer to compromise ($25/month?). Your parents are probably in a tight spot too, but if you let this kind of thing simmer as long as your parents want it to, it tends to damage family relationships. You don't want that.
 
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hempcamp

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My hard and fast rule is to NEVER loan money to ANYONE, family or friends. If I have the extra money, I give some to the asker without any expectation of repayment. I've found things get too hairy any other way, and it often leads to money coming in between important bonds.

--Chris
 
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Welly Wu

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Thank you all for letting me vent. We are literally talking it through (again) right now. Thank you much.
 
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kentamcolin

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Quote:

If I have the extra money, I give some to the asker without any expectation of repayment.


Excellent advice. If you can afford it consider forgiving the debt and move on. I recommend to anyone to set aside even a small amount of money each month to help others. If someone else has a need you wish to help with you can then "bless" them with the money and relieve them of the burden of going into debt. I've found that when I do this I alway receive back much more than I gave, not necessarily in $$.
 
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Bill Ward

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Quote:

I apologize for the rant but learn from my painful family lessons: do not loan money to family members who are fiscally irresponsible because it will prove to be your own sorrowful mistake.


That's a tough lesson to learn and a difficult pill to swallow. I'm sorry you had to arrive at the conclusion through personal experience. I've been there and can sympathize.

The advice to let it go is sage. Converting disappointment into resentment is a loser's game. We let past slights poison the present moment when we dwell on wrongs done us. Your family has to live with their actions, but you have the option of choosing to move on. Do that and be grateful that the cost was no higher.

I've spent too many years nursing grudges that, ultimately, harmed myself far more than the objects of my justified wrath. Another of the lessons I learned the hard way, and much later than I would have liked.

Regards,

BW
 
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GlowWorm

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I have one policy when it comes to loaning money... I don't.
 
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Welly Wu

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Thank you all for your supportive words and suggestions.

We talked it out again. Perhaps my tone was too scolding and angry. I let them know how I felt and they let me know how they feel about things that are out of their control. We agreed that things have been better than usual around the house but that there is still much work ahead of us and for them especially. I prayed to Jesus for the strength to be compassionate and for hope. I don't want to say that everything is fixed but we came to an agreement as to when they will begin repaying me. I feel that talking things out lead to more understanding and healing. Thank you all once again. A challenging issue has been dealt with fairly well for now.

Please close this thread. I certainly have learned to forgive them for what they do for they simply know no better and can not be faulted forever.
 
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jefemeister

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Quote:

Originally posted by Welly Wu
...for any reason even if it concerns matters of their health and well being.


I can only hope you don't really mean that.
 
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Welly Wu

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Quote:

Originally posted by jefemeister
I can only hope you don't really mean that.


No, I regret writing that. It's easier on my heart to just forgive them for who they are and to love them no matter how much they make me angry at times.
 
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braillediver

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Do you live at home with your parents?

They did bring you into this world and feed you for a few years?

Unless you were born independently wealthy kicking in a few beans for them to take on vacation so they could have a good time might be small recompense for all they did for you.

Maybe something to consider is don’t let something as trivial as money get in the way of your love for your parents. It seems you loaned them the money knowing they weren’t 100% reliable and you did it anyways? Learn from your mistakes but don’t blame them.


Mitch
 
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Quote:

I think I can afford to get these Ultimate Ears UE-10 Pro but it will take me the better part of 10 months or by the end of December 31st, 2004 until I can afford to get them. [...] I pray in the name of Jesus Christ for the financial self-discipline and commitment to be able to make this dream of owning the Ultimate Ears UE-10 Pro a reality. I also humbly pray to become a better financial steward by meeting my other top budget priorities and honoring His eternal riches in my daily financial decisions. This is a test as such and I am ready to pass it with flying colors.


that can be found here: http://www5.head-fi.org/forums/showt...threadid=61963

and now we have:

Quote:

I appreciate their love, support, and financial sacrifice shown to me over the past several years. However, I have learned a hard lesson: never loan money to family members for any reason even if it concerns matters of their health and well being. [...] Thank God I decided to work hard, save carefully, and cut 'n trim unnecessary expenses to be able to afford my Pioneer Elite DV-59AVi for far less than the MSRP.




okay, this is just sad. you criticize his "fiscal irresponsiblity"? you just spent $900 on earphones? which you said that Jesus Christ would help you save for by ... about 8 months from now?

and how can you say you appreciate your parents' "financial sacrifice" when you go on like this? if your dad needs $800 for his kidney transplant, what do you say? "no dice, pops; it's about time i got around to modding my source." i'd like to know what kind of expenses are "unnecessary" when a "Pioneer Elite DV-59AVi" is a matter of life and death.

everyone here spends money, but only a moron is sanctimonious about it, claiming he's not being "irresponsible" and then freaking out on his own parents for taking a vacation? i don't know if they put you through college or not, but if so, you should feel about 10 times as bad.

here's a tip: go buy your dad a steak dinner and shut up.
 
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usc goose

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i'm not really sure how to respond to this, but family members are one thing; your parents are kind of something altogether different.

in my opinion anyways.

whatever the case, i hope things work out for you welly.
 
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