Apr 25, 2015 at 9:04 AM
- May 23, 2011
- Reaction score
- May 23, 2011
So, I've been released from the mental institution. I tricked them that I was feeling well. I'm not. I just couldn't stand living there anymore, being imprisoned just because you're sick, that in itself is sick. But they're going to screen me for borderline personality disorder as well.
However, I feel the need to say goodbye to y'all. You've been good friends to me, and with literal tears in my eyes (because I've been crying all morning) I wish you all the ******* best my friends. At the institution, I met a girl. She was 20 but looked like 12. She was autistic, and so badly effected by it that she is never going to be alright. She was at a point of autism that you could call her dumb. She was a beautiful little person. Beautiful, once you knew her. Every day, she fought the personnel, yelling that she had the right to die and that they should release her so she could die. I talked a lot to her. I kind of took her under my wings, despite knowing that her illness is greatly trumping mine, and tried to show her that life is worth living just one more day. She shouldn't think suicide is the answer. Leave that to people like me. She's just 20, and has everything in front of her. She has all the movies, all the music, and god - think of all the boyfriends she will have. I remember telling her "The world would lose something very beautiful if you died now". I asked her once what her favorite snacks were, and what her favorite movies were, and then bought it just to put on a movie for her in the TV room. We had a great time. We repeated it to the day that she asked me the same question and did the same for me. We actually have each other on facebook now.
There was this other girl who was there because she had barricaded and isolated herself a lot. I took her out to walks and was just her friend there. She needed one, and even to this day she calls me on the phone just to talk.
What I feel is: ****, can't I die already? I've got 10 attempts already. Why doesn't it work? Every single time, someone seizes it. C'mon.
I also think like this: I know it's temporary, I'm bipolar and I will have these periods all my life. It's chronic. If I get through them, it's of no use, they come back. Every ******* time. I'm tired of it.
Sorry, but it's over. My mind is made up. Death is my way out. I just can't stand these depressions. They're so ******* deep, and they're chronically periodic for me. It's just not fair. I didn't ask for this, and I'm once again putting my foot down - I don't deserve this, but by asking of me to sty alive, this is what I have to live with. All this crying and plotting for death. Sorry dudes, I write this to say goodbye ... sometime next week it's going to happen. I really wish I could do more for you. But be happy to know how serious this ******* disease is. Really, if and when you meet someone bipolar, give them a hug and say "I have literally no idea what you're going through, but you should know that you're one kickass person and that I like you, and that you should remain alive." Even those in the department who get really manic (not me, I'm the depressed kind) do commit suicide when they're down, and a thing like that no matter when you received it, could save you if even for once. So, what's one hug? I freely give them away..
Seriously, bipolar disorder (and borderline perhaps) is nothing to be joked around with, it's ******* serious. I'm dying in a week, so yeah, there's that.
Over and out, and see you on the other side, Ville.
I had a very good friend that offed himself 5 years ago. I still sit and wonder where the line of hope ends, where trying to recover or have a normal life becomes a burden more than a chance. Can others still help at that point? I couldn't, and I never felt more helpless at the time. The longer I had to think about it though, I realized something.
Some people just earnestly wish to move on, and when are we to simply say "it is your choice"?
Coq, I'm glad I came back to Head-fi at this time. I can only imagine the nightmare that you feel. Shoot me a message if you want to chat, and if a week is unpreventable, we'll all be there having some beers and bitching about weird sound signatures soon enough.