Dealing With Grief (Terminally Ill Dad)
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psxguy85

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Hi, I just had to talk about this because I can't hold it in any longer. I've had a dad stricken with prostate cancer since 1994, when my younger brother was born. He was able to deal with it and was supposedly rid of it by 1998, where he was almost healthy, but the radiation and the treatment was so damaging that the doctors gave him 5 years to live from 1994.

It is now the year 2004, and I still have not accepted the fact that he might die soon. My mom has long accepted this and has told me that she went many nights after my brother was born, crying in her sleep about my dad.

Another episode of this ordeal came during last winter, when my dad was admitted into the hospital because he was urinating blood and had internal bleeding because of the remission of the cancer. The doctors have since then given him 5-6 months to live, and it has been 5 months. He is currently in 'home hospice care' and we have a hospital bed at home so that he might be able to pass away peacefully in his sleep.

Here is a picture of my elderly dad and mom all the way in December. By the looks of it, right now he is physically 60% at most, of what he was in December.


His body has become very thin and frail, and I can easily pick him up from his bed if I have to bring him to lunch or stuff like that. For the past few days I've been very sad, and just sitting with my dad watching his favorite team, the Lakers makes me tear up and I have to go and do something else before I start sobbing. I don't know, its just hard watching my good old dad sitting there in a wheelchair, seemingly frail and helpless. He is still very sharp, but his physical condition is really terrible.

Anyway, I'm glad I got that out, and I will post updates in this thread if something happens.
 
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fyrfytrhoges

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i feel for you, my father has prostate cancer as well. although his outlook is not certain. i guess i can relate because i think both myself and my father avoid talking about the subject altogether. at some point i will have to deal with it, but at the moment i think i'm in denial. i see many sick people on a daily basis and always come back to thinking that if the person is not in any pain physically and can be kept comfortable and in good spirits, every day is a blessing.
 
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redshifter

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i can also relate. my father in law died last weekend of bone cancer. i visited him in the icu at his last moments. he was unconcious and he had made the decision to no resusitate. i sat and talked to him, and cried a little. we moved him home and he died in his own bed. my wife was very close to her father and this has been very hard on her, and now she is executer of his will so there is a lot of work to do. the memorial is this weekend.

in any case, my best wishes to you, your father and your family.
 
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john_jcb

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One thing I would recommend is talking to your father even if there is no response. Down the road you will be glad you did and you will not be left wishing there were things you wished you would have said. Talk about the good memories. My mother in law recently passed away. She lived with us for the last year and a half and my wife made it a point to tell her about what was going on and talked about memories. Everyone grieves differently but I have never found it helpful to hold your feelings in.
 
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oneeyedhobbit

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I'm so sorry psxguy. I can't imagine loosing a parent. I remember when my Grandma was dying of cancer. I was only in 3rd grade, but I understood pretty well what was happening, and I hated seeing her weak like that. Every time we went over to her house, she used to play with us and make us home-made Play-Doh. When she was home from the hospital, she was always apologizing that she was too weak to get out of bed and do it for us.

You have my condolences, friend. I wish there were something more I could do or say. I will keep your father in my prayers.
 
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gsferrari

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I can feel your pain...

I am going to India this summer to spend some time with my grandpa who is also suffering from terminal prostrate cancer. We are VERY close and I want to be there with him when he is still alive and moving about. So many memories come flooding back...its easy to cry and very hard to accept what is inevitable but thats the way it is I suppose...

Spend as much time as you can with him...at the same time - try to accept the inevitable...remember that life is a circle...from birth to death...a miracle...magic...

Remember him for what he used to be and never forget the ways in which he influenced your life.

People come and go...their actions and memories outlast the physical body....
 
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Ticky

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My condolences to you and your family. A week ago my dad got very ill while traveling to the States and I was extremely worried that something bad might happen. It's difficult to accept that your parents will not always be with you. When I was a kid, it dawned upon me one night in bed that my parents would grow old and die. I remembered feeling incredibly sad and cried.

In such times, it's good to surround yourself with family and good friends to keep yourself from getting depressed.
 
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Canman

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Sidenote: It is amazing to me what kind of community we have here at Head-Fi. These kinds of threads make it obvious that this audio forum is more than a consumer based materialistic fantasy...Head-Fi is anything from a shoulder to lean on or a willing ear to listen to a problem to an endless resource of knowledge and information. You have to admit, the member's lounge is quite an amalgam of topics and conversation. I am just amazed that there is so much humanity in such a faceless domain.

psxguy, I wish you all the best in dealing with this tough tough, issue. john_jcb gave some fantastic advice. Talk to your father and say what's on your mind. Otherwise you will regret it later on. I had an aunt who died from cancer this year. She hid her illness from the family by not telling anyone the seriousness of her condition. I didn't even know she had cancer until she died. When she died it was unexpected by most and many of us were upset that we had no chance to tell her how much she meant to us. Take advantage of the fact that your father is still with you and you still have the chance to enjoy his presence.
 
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JMedeiros

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My prayers go up for your dad, you and your entire family. I lost my younger brother to AIDS and my grandmother to cancer so I know what a painfull hardship this is. Anytime you feel like chatting....I am just a PM away.

John
 
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Edwood

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My thoughts are with you.

My father nearly died from a gall bladder infection overseas a few months ago, and suffered a "mini" stroke. It was touch and go for awhile, but he is OK now. But since he is diabetic and on blood thinning medication, it is not likely that he will live for a very long time. It really scared me how much weight he lost when he was in the ICU.


-Ed
 
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warubozu

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I'm sorry to hear about the condition your father is in. My prayers and thoughts are with you. Though it is not easy at times to be strong in going thru what you are now experiencing my only advice to you is to spend as much time as you can with your father. Being there with him and doing simple things such as just talking to him can be the greatest comfort you can give him. Malama pono my friend.
 
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psxguy85, I'm very sorry to read of your father's cancer. I will pray for your father, you and your whole family.
 
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RickG

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Just before Christmas of 1996, I lost my Mom to CHF. In June of 1999, I lost my Dad to pancreatic cancer. The doctor said it was a very fast thing...from diagnosis to death. He was right on.

I lived with my Father for the last two years of his life and we became closer and grew to be best friends in his final months. I treasure those days and feel that I learned more from my Dad in the last months of his life then in all my previous 44 years.

I really hurt for you...as I know what you are going through. You can imagine having yourself prepared, but nothing really softens the impact when the time comes.

I miss my parents immensly...nothing is ever the same again.

God bless you...
 
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psxguy85

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I would just like to add that I am glad how brotherly and sisterly everyone here is. I for one am surprised in my dad that he has been able to 'hang in' this long considering all of the bad habits he has had for many years, including smoking and drinking, and all the ailments and surgery he has had, including a gall bladder removal and also a stroke in 1998. I just said Good Morning to my dad and he was happy to see me. I am very happy that he still recognizes me. How proud I am of his accomplishments in his life, and his ability to stay tough even though he knows he doesn't have much time left.
 
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screwdriver

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Sorry about your ordeal man .

I know the feeling as i have been in a a similar situation a while back . Just make the most out of the time he has and make him really happy along the way - even small things count a lot at these times.
 
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