Critic my essay...would ya?
Dec 9, 2002 at 11:06 PM Thread Starter Post #1 of 7

Luvya

100+ Head-Fier
Joined
Oct 31, 2002
Posts
365
Likes
10
This is written for a resume to apply for MBA program in CSU, XXXXX...please let me know what you think. It's really not that long...I hope you guys still trust me at this point
frown.gif


To get back to school and to pursue a MBA degree was not in my mind when I graduated in the summer of 2001 from UC, XXXX. I was fairly convinced that a BA degree in Econ/Administrative Studies would give me the strength to succeed in today’s competitive market. It was only after having experience working with two private companies that I realized how wrong I was. Though I have yet to fail any task my managers have asked me to do, each time a new project is started, these doubts from these managers come along again. I can see that it is harder to prove your ability in your skills without a master degree. It is also much harder to have the confidence in yourself when there are others that lack confidence in you. That is why I believe by obtaining a MBA degree benefit not only in advancement in pay and position but in many other ways as well. I always knew what I wanted to do as a career, business administration. Yet, I was still not sure if it is worthwhile to spend time and money to pursue a master degree. I had my share of doubts until a ten minutes talk with my brother.
It was a rather long ten minutes sitting in the passenger seat of my brother’s car. Watching headlights of the passing cars get thicker and closer and then brighter, having flashback of our childhood memories, but what went on in those ten very simple minutes is something that I will remember forever. Grown up in Taiwan, I was pampered materially and nurtured emotionally. I lived with family and a helping hand is always available whenever I needed it. The neighborhood lacks open areas, it was a small community where children addressed the lady next door as “aunt” and housewives frequently shared recipes. I was completely at home, ethnically, linguistically, and in every other respect. Then the fall of 1992 came, my family moved to Belgium. My new life in Belgium contrasted sharply with my old one in Taiwan. The neighborhood, while serene, lacked the extended support network of friends. Academically, the language barrier had me suffered in school. Since my school did not offer remedial French classes for international students, I began studying with only the help of a French-Chinese dictionary. Although I was focused and determined, streams of below average grades accompanied my first year in school. In the face of these obstacles, I started to question the purpose of moving. Seeing my parents’ exhausted silhouettes every night, I began to understand the motivation behind the move that forever altered my life. After first two years of frustration, I was able to advance to higher grade without repeating exams in my final two years in Belgium. Then, the shock came again, this time my father changed his job location to America. I was the first member in my family to object such move. After finally seeing the success in school I was not ready to take another plunge. However, the crude fact remained, the summer of 1995 we arrived in Los Angeles, just like deja-vu, I suffered mightily in school again. It was not until I transfer to UC, XXXX that I finally start getting respectable grades. In the winter 2001, I was on the dean’s honor list. No other thing validated my efforts and boosted my self-confidence more than that short yet significant achievement. It was during this instance that I realized how important education means to me and how much my parents have sacrificed to get us to where we are today. Especially to my brother whom, I knew he had experienced many more things than I did. He has made a lot of mistakes, failing out of college his freshman year, and in the subsequent years, not working hard enough to get himself back on track again. Yet, he is now a graduate student in University of Virginia pursuing his doctor degree. He started explaining to me how important it was for me to do something with my life. To get through college is to merely meet the minimum requirement set invisibly by today’s job market. In order to stand out above others; a master degree is an essential element to have in the resume. Mistakes are tragic only if you don't learn from them, and he told me then that I didn't have to make those same mistakes because he had already made them for me. He does have very intriguing and important advices. I guess you could say he learned from his own mistakes and that is what strikes me so much at that time. I wasn't sure what to believe, but now I think I agree with everything he had to say, and my brother knew it as well.
My father once said that you should get a job that you enjoy, no matter what the pay or fiscal benefit. I sat in that car and pondered the importance of what my future held for me and how a MBA degree could help me achieve my dreams. I know for a fact that to find a job which suites me well, I would definitely need a MBA degree. I was mostly unsure of where I wanted to go and a lot of thought and energy went in to choosing and applying to this school.
So the reasons why I decided to go back to school and obtain a master degree are not something out of the ordinary. Self-fulfillment and advancement in pay and position in the job market. One of my dreams is one day to have a chance to go back and serve my country, Taiwan. Making use of what I’ve learned and contributing in any way I can. I once read an article about a successful businessman and how he achieved his goals by following one philosophy he recited to himself everyday. He believed the reward in terms of happiness is directly proportional to the sacrifice that each one makes. Great philosophy. And I try to live it everyday.
 
Dec 9, 2002 at 11:29 PM Post #2 of 7
Speaking as someone who has read grad student applications, this isn't quite the kind of essay that they're looking for. It's good in many ways; I especially like how it seems honest and not full of BS or flowery language (you wouldn't believe how much flowery garbage the average application contains). But the essay also doesn't project self-confidence or self-reliance; in fact, it seems to suggest that you're looking to get an MBA to boost your self-confidence. That's not good. In the essay you should emphasize your strong points (this is, after all, your first "marketing" project as a prospective MBA) without being dishonest or overemphasizing things. Most important, you want to describe how, in the past, you've made the most of the opportunities that you've had. Give specific examples of projects at work where you've gone beyond the call of duty, done something innovative, and produced a positive result for the company, and explain how this type of success has energized you and made you want to do it more (and more successfully), hence the MBA.
 
Dec 9, 2002 at 11:38 PM Post #3 of 7
I feel a bit uncomfortable to critic it and I'm not sure it is the better place to put this kind of résumé. If I were you, I'd try to get back to your college and speak about it with some managemen professor familiar with such admission.

I'm also still a student in my junior year, even I'm used to these kinds of things (I had to get a package of approval to jump in my exchange programme and it opened me the gates of some graduate courses here
smily_headphones1.gif
)

Anyway, 2 or 3 points :

- The essay is about you, not about your brother or your familly.
- On this point, I don't know enough the USA yet but in Europe, such a personnal enumeration would be badly seen. It sometimes (I suppose you don't intend to btw) looks like the guy reading it should cry with you on your hard past. That's not what he wanna hear. In this kind of paper, you must show you have a right to get a place instead of another because you're BETTER. Insist on your first achievment, your experience.
- But don't go too far too. It should be a perfect balance between what you can bring and what they will bring you.

You wanted a frank answer, here is mine. Just my two cents.


PS: I strictly forbid you to support CSU 's football team if you go there.
biggrin.gif
, Buffs rule
 
Dec 10, 2002 at 12:16 AM Post #4 of 7
I agree with 00940's comments. If you're wondering what other applicant's essays will look like (you're competing against these guys), here's one of my favorite MBA essays (not verbatim, written from what I remember of it). The guy who wrote the letter is a personal friend. After finishing his MBA, he landed a solid position in management at Microsoft, a long way from Wisconsin:

"When I graduated from XXX with an undergraduate degree in business, I was hired by a small company in Wisconsin that resold wheat and cheese byproducts. At that time, the company was in terrible financial shape. My boss quit two months after he hired me. I soon realized that he'd only hired me because he felt badly about leaving his business partner alone to manage the company, and they couldn't afford to pay someone with more management experience.

At that time, we had a substantial amount of whey sitting on the factory floor with a shelf life of six months maximum. My ex-boss's partner and I discussed possibly declaring bankruptcy and selling off the company's remaining assets, but I was young and energetic (and frankly, didn't know any better) and managed to convince him to make one final sales drive with the remaining stock we had.

You wouldn't believe how hard I worked during those six months, but we managed to sell off the entire stock of whey without a single carton rotting on the factory floor. I helped devise a new sales and inventory strategy and met with each one of our customers personally to reassure them that we would keep the company solvent and that they shouldn't switch suppliers. It was the hardest six months of my life, but also the most exhilarating -- it was unbelievably satisfying to slowly turn the company around.

I realized during that time that management was definitely my calling. However, I also realized that I didn't know anywhere near as much as I'd like, and that I could really use some more powerful strategic tools -- tools that an MBA could give me. I stayed on at the company for another year and a half, until it was on a solid footing again, and then I spoke to my remaining boss about leaving to pursue an MBA. He encouraged me to do it, thanking me for helping to turn the company around. You'll find a reference letter from him in this application packet."
 
Dec 10, 2002 at 12:46 AM Post #5 of 7
Hey, that is great help from you guys. I knew my essay lacks something, glad u guys point that out for me. I will make adjustment accordingly.
Yeah..I knew I should emphasize more on my working experience..but it was rather limited, I will try to see what I can do with it.
 
Dec 10, 2002 at 12:50 AM Post #6 of 7
Btw, when I asked the staff in MBA dept what she want to see on the resume...she just said "a resume about u"....I was like huh? @_@?? So it wasn't very clear..and I was thinking maybe she wants to see a background essay. That's why I spend a good portion of the essay explaining where I come from.
 
Jul 16, 2003 at 9:56 PM Post #7 of 7
kinda bored - and also considering a MBA, so I figured, why not?
wink.gif



Main gripes I have with the essay is that it's not focused enough. Think about it this way. B-schools dont' give a crap about you. They want you to go to their schools and then be incredibly successful - what parts of your essay prove this? They want individuals with very specific, clearly-defined goals. Your background should help you attain these goals as well as your MBA (that you plan on obtaining), for example - how will obtaining a MBA help you in your future goals? Networking? Wanting to do business in Taiwan/Greater China? Already you have a significant advantage/disadvantage (depending on how you see it) over others since you have moved/lived in so many places.

How have you applied this to your career? These are things....if I were you I would try to highlight and emphasize. Again, tightness is key I think.
wink.gif




......course as a 18-year old student that just graduated from HS and will attending Davis in the fall soon.....take my advice with a pinch of salt. Course, I'm also a guy that wants to have business as his career and have a similiar background...sort of, family from Taiwan as well.
wink.gif
wink.gif
 

Users who are viewing this thread

Back
Top