[The Jester]

“What do you call that useless piece of skin on the end of a Willie ?“
”Thats the foreskin”
”No, the other end” ….

 

[wuwhere]

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve
made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child
then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were
monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his
father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking
about her side of the family."

 

[The Jester]

Child comes home from school and asks “where did I come from ..? “
Mom and Dad look at each other and decide they’d both have “that talk” …
well, when a man and a woman fall in love and get married …………….
15 minutes later “ does that explain things, but why ask all of a sudden ?”
”We had a new kid start in our class today and they came from Melbourne”…

 

[wuwhere]

Joe takes his friend Steve hunting for the first time, and reminds him to be still and keep quiet.
An hour into the woods, Joe hears Steve screaming behind him. "I thought I told you to be quiet!" says Joe.
" Hey, I kept quiet when the snake bit me," says Steve, "and I was quiet when the fox attacked me, but when
the two chipmunks crawled up my pant leg just now, I heard one ask the other, 'Should we eat them now or take them with us?'"

 

[Magol79]

A pony walks into a bar and whispers to the bartender: "I'll have a beer."
The bartender pours a beer for the pony, then lowers his voice and says: "Here is your beer, but why do you whisper?"
The pony answers: "I'm a little hoarse."

 

[Pharmaboy]

2 strings walk into a bar and order drinks. The bartender says, "We don't serve strings here. Get out."

Upset, the strings leave and duck into a nearby alley. One says, "I'm going home." The other says, "I have a better idea." She ties herself into a knot, then teases all the fibers above the knot until they're frizzy.

She boldly reenters the bar and orders a drink. The bartender eyes her with suspicion. "Aren't you one of the strings I just threw out?" She replies, "No, I'm a frayed knot."

 

[wuwhere]

A man buys a lie detector robot that slaps people who lie. He decides to test it at dinner. He asks his son,
"Son, where were you today during school hours?" "At school." The robot slaps the son. "Okay, I went to the movies!"
The father asks, "Which one?" "Harry Potter." The robot slaps the son again. "Okay, I was watching porn!"
The father replies, "What!? When I was your age I didn't even know what porn was!" The robot slaps the father.
The mom chimes in, "Haha! After all, he is your son!" The robot slaps the mother.

 

[wuwhere]

A couple are rushing into the hospital because the wife is going into labor. As they walk, a
doctor says to them that he has invented a machine that splits the pain between the mother
and father. They agree to it and are led into a room where they get hooked up to the machine.
The doctor starts it off at 20% split towards the father. The wife says, "Oh, that's actually better."
The husband says he can't feel anything. Then the doctor turns it to 50% and the wife says that
it doesn't hurt nearly as much. The husband says he sill can't feel anything. The Doctor, now
encouraged, turns it up to 100%. The husband still can't feel anything, and the wife is really happy,
because there is now no pain for her. The baby is born. The couple go home and find the postman
groaning in pain on the doorstep.

 

[The Jester]

Father and daughter Christmas shopping …
”we have presents for Mum, Grandma and Grandpa and my two cousins, can I buy a present for the Milkman ? “
” why do you want to buy the Milkman a Christmas present”
” do you remember a few months back when the Budgie died ?”
“Yes”
”how I found it in the bottom of the cage with its legs in the air ? “
”Yes, I remember”
“and how you said that was so God could grasp it’s legs and take it up to heaven ?”
” I remember, what’s that got to do with the Milkman ?”
”Well, last week I forgot my lunch and came back through the kitchen door and Mum was lying on the floor with her legs in the air shouting “oh God I’m coming “ but the Milkman was lying on top of her holding here down”.

 

[The Jester]

Phone rings late at night beside the bed ..
Wife picks up the phone …
“How would I know you idiot” and slams the phone down ..
“Who was that ?”
“Some stupid woman asking if the coast was clear, we live 30 miles from the beach !”

 

[wuwhere]

A doctor reaches into his smock to get a pen to write a prescription and pulls out a rectal thermometer.
"Oh, damn it," he proclaims, "Some asshole has my pen!"

 

[Pharmaboy]

Phone rings late at night beside the bed ..
Wife picks up the phone …
“How would I know you idiot” and slams the phone down ..
“Who was that ?”
“Some stupid woman asking if the coast was clear, we live 30 miles from the beach !”

(Rodney Dangerfield)

"My wife likes to talk after sex. I know because she calls me from the motel."

"The other day when I got home, a naked man was running down the street. I asked him why and he said, 'Because you came home early.' "

 

[The Jester]

Husband and wife arguing …
Husband …. Why don’t you ever tell me when you’ve had an orgasm ..
Wife ….’cause you’re never there …

 

[BobG55]

Apparently, a few month ago NASA discovered an object on the surface of the moon, shaped like a wharf. So, Pink Floyd is now working on a new album called “Dock Side of the Moon”.

 

[Joaquin Dinero]

Apparently, a few month ago NASA discovered an object on the surface of the moon, shaped like a wharf. So, Pink Floyd is now working on a new album called “Dock Side of the Moon”.

You can sea yourself out . . .