[shivohum]

Any headphone audiophile worth his salt has to face those inevitable sad occassions when a misinformed plebeian dares to attack a beloved headphone. What separates the great audiophile, then, from the poseurs, is foresight.

In the spirit of that wisdom, I've composed a handy checklist of things to fault when you wish to deflect blame from the headphone itself. Start from the beginning and work your way down if an excuse proves inadequately effective.

The Setup:
* You didn't break the headphone in.
* You didn't break the headphone in.
* That's right, it still hasn't been broken in.
* Ah, but you broke it in using the wrong kind of music.
* And at too low a volume.
* And at too high a volume.
* You didn't start low and go high.
* You didn't use bass-intensive music.
* You didn't use treble-intensive music.
* If you used bass or treble intensive music, you've ruined the headphones.
* Anyway, any idiot knows that headphones should be broken in with white noise, not music!
* You didn't use pink noise?!
* It's still breaking in. Give it a while.
* It's broken in but needed to be warmed up.
* Keep warming, buddy.
* Can't let it catch a cold, y'know
* You warmed it up using the wrong music
* It's broken.

Then the amp:
* Simply copy all the break-in and warmup excuses and transfer them here.
* You're using an inadequately powered amp.
* You're using an amp that uses AC on a headphone sensitive to power. Use a battery-powered amp instead.
* The amp doesn't have strong enough bass.
* The amp has boomy bass.
* The amp is shrill
* The amp is dull
* The amp is <all the bad characteristics of the headphone>, so actually the headphone is perfectly transparent.
* The amp is tube-based, and the headphone requires solid state.
* The amp is solid state, and the headphone requires tubes.
* The amp is tube-based, but only SETs qualify.
* The amp is tube-based, but how do you expect the headphone to sound with that monstrous transformer slowing things down?
* The amp is tube-based, but you're not using the NOS TeleSiemens 2828 1922 special, the ones you get at Christie's for $7800 a matched pair.

Then the source:
* Simply copy all the break-in and warmup excuses and transfer them here.
* You're using a portable CDP. That exonerates the headphones right there.
* You're using a soundcard! And you dare open your mouth?
* Whatever's wrong with anything, it means you don't have a good enough source.
* It doesn't matter HOW much you spent on it.
* Or it lacks synergy with the headphones
* Or it lacks synergy with the amp
* Or it lacks synergy when the amp and the headphones are combined.
* The source is <all the bad characteristics of the headphone>, so actually the headphone is perfectly transparent. Except for the amp problems.

Then the cable:
* Simply copy all the break-in and warmup excuses and transfer them here.
* You only spent $300 on your interconnects, and dare to open your mouth?
* But they were the wrong pair of interconnects. The flooby dust kind.
* Lacks synergy with the headphones
* Lacks synergy with the amp
* Lacks synergy with the source
* Or with this particular configuration of those three components
* The cable is too long
* The cable is too short
* The cable is too revealing
* The cable is too forgiving
* The cable is too neutral
* The cable is wrong, wrong, wrong, and actually embodies <all the bad characteristics of the headphone>, so actually the headphone is perfectly transparent. Except for the amp problems.

Don't forget to transform the cable list as necessary to attack a reviewer's power cables, power generators, power cleaners, power filters, power sources, dedicated power lines, radio interference, and so forth.

Tweaks:
* You didn't use the right vibration control.
* You didn't use enough vibration control.
* You used too much vibration control.
* You didn't check the AC polarity.
* You didn't check the absolute phase.
* You didn't use a CD Mat.
* You didn't clean the CD.
* You didn't freeze the CD.
* You didn't mark up the CD.
* You didn't sacrifice goat blood at the proper time.

Then, the recording:

* All the recordings you used sucked.
* The genre sucked.
* The artists sucked.
* The venue sucked
* The miking sucked
* Your recording must be defective.

Finally, the person:

* You haven't heard enough headphones to make your judgment.
* You haven't heard enough amps. Sources. Cables. Systems.
* You haven't heard with them with enough music.
* You haven't heard them long enough.
* You own them so you're biased.
* You sold them so you're biased.
* You don't own them so you're biased.
* You must be deaf.
* You are deaf
* You love Bose.

DISCLAIMER: A little cynical, but this was meant to be tongue-in-cheek and not genuinely insulting to any particular person. Except those of you whom it expressly targets. You know who you are

 

[Blighty]

I think you left out the magical power cords and CD demagnetizer/degaussers

 

[kin3tix]

jeebus shivohum how long did that you! i can't bear to finish it now. i'll span the reading from now until saturday

.

 

[wallijonn]

loved the 'you own them so you're biased' and the 'you sold them so you're biased'. LOL.

 

[ServinginEcuador]

Shivohum,

I thoroughly enjoyed reading te list and got quite a kick out of it!!! Thanks.

But really, you have WAY too much free time on your hands!! (Translate that into I am jealous I didn't think of it myself!!!

)

 

[BenG]

The recording should've been first, but atleast its before B

e

 

[DarkAngel]

Just add two thoughts:

Mr Audiophile recently paid $2,000 for "x" and he just heard Elmo's $500 "y" and it sounds better (someone feels like a fool, guess who)

Mr Audiophile just paid $2,000 for "x version II" and one month later "x version III" is released (someone feels like a fool, guess who)

 

[dohminator]

Quote:

* You didn't sacrifice goat blood at the proper time.

So that's what I've been doing wrong.

 

[aeberbach]

For cables, you forgot the one about accelerating it to the speed of light, freezing it, inserting it in a length of garden hose and filling up the space with magic dust.

 

[SumB]

Humorous as well as educational. Good job

 

[CaptBubba]

Don't forget:

the recording:
* The music was in format x, so it isn't valid.
* The music was't in format x, so it isn't valid
* You used the remaster, it isn't valid.
* You didn't use the remaster, it isn't valid.
* Some of those discs have copy protection which make them sound bad, like yours obviously does

 

[dhwilkin]

Hehe, it's funny because it's true.

Don't forget:
- Your stuff needs to be cryo-treated.
- You didn't do a DBT, so you're self-delusional.
- You did do a DBT, but since it's impossible to do one correctly, you're still self-delusional.
- You can't numerically prove the sound is better, so it must not be better.
- You forgot to sacrifice a crappy Sovtek tube to the audio gods.
- You're USING a crappy Sovtek tube, no wonder the sound sucks!

 

[Matthew-Spaltro]

Quote:

Originally posted by DarkAngel Just add two thoughts: Mr Audiophile recently paid $2,000 for "x" and he just heard Elmo's $500 "y" and it sounds better (someone feels like a fool, guess who) Mr Audiophile just paid $2,000 for "x version II" and one month later "x version III" is released (someone feels like a fool, guess who)

I hope you have a good job.

 

[ServinginEcuador]

Quote:

Originally posted by DarkAngel Just add two thoughts: Mr Audiophile recently paid $2,000 for "x" and he just heard Elmo's $500 "y" and it sounds better (someone feels like a fool, guess who) Mr Audiophile just paid $2,000 for "x version II" and one month later "x version III" is released (someone feels like a fool, guess who)

What about:

Mr Audiophile just bought product "x" from company "y", just after the return period ends, company "y" reduces price for product "x" by 50%.

Mr Audiophile just bought product "x" from company "y", just after the return policy ends company "y" announces new and improved models "z" and zz" that sound better, have more bass, sound more natural, have a bigger soundstage, and cost 25% less!!


UUUUUGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH I hate when either of these happen. and yes, they both have happened to me at one time or another.