Dear Asus 1101HAB,
This has been a long time coming, but here it is. From the moment I spotted you in the shop back in 2009 and picked you over the smaller model next to you, you've been nothing but trouble. I was so nice to you. I believe that big netbooks, just like big girls, need some lovin' too, and I was willing to do anything and everything to make our relationship work.
On paper it should have been wonderful. You have a screen with the same resolution as the laptop I'm typing on now, but you're so much smaller. You have a processor which, when overclocked, is actually faster than the N270 that was so popular when I bought you. You have decent battery life and weigh only a little over three pounds. Big for a netbook, but still light.
I was attentive. I noticed that you have a nice rubberized texture on your cover, when few others would have cared. I even noticed the lovely way your black plastic case actually has thousands of little blue sparkles embedded in it, when nobody else would have looked so closely.
Alas, the moment I got you home and tried to install Ubuntu on you it was a disaster. Apparently, your GMA500 graphics don't like Ubuntu much. Apparently it's some baggage you're still carrying from somebody called Imagination Technologies that you can't let go of. You know, I've had bad experiences before, too. Two words: Windows ME. Yeah, I could have been all grumpy about that, but I wasn't. I was willing to put all that behind me and try to make it work.
But that's your problem. You didn't work. Ever. I tried to watch YouTube videos on you, and your performance got progressively worse until I couldn't even watch 320p smoothly anymore. I tried to install Windows 7 on you, and though you started out acceptably fast, at the end you slowed to an almost catatonic state. Loading webpages took forever and a day. Loading Explorer took forever and a day.
I'd finally had it with you when I swiped your Windows 7 license and gave it to my old laptop. You know, the one I bought in 2006 and which is still faster than you. Her screen is knackered, half the plastic bits on her outside are breaking, her touchpad buttons are worn, and her power jack's connection is intermittent. But you know what? We still get along.
We're not together or anything. As you know, I went back to my darling Heather Penelope (H.P.) for most of my daily work after you let me down. I've upgraded her memory to the max, put an SSD in her, and even replaced her screen when I carelessly broke it. I've invested a lot in her, and she gives me tons back. She's a really big girl compared to you, and she's put on weight ever since I gave her a 12-cell battery, but she gives me everything I need.
My old laptop and I are just friends. But she's a great friend. Whenever I need her she's there. She's getting on a bit in years, and sometimes when I wake her from standby it takes a while before I can move her mouse cursor. But she's reliable. She's not ever going to come between me and my precious H.P., but that's not what I'm looking for in a friend, anyway.
So, basically what I'm trying to say, 1101HAB, is that you've failed me as a companion in every respect. Not only were you a horrible girlfriend, but you're a jealous homewrecker. Every time I see you you call out to me, beckon me over, get me to lift your top. And every single time I'm reminded why we never worked out. So it's over. I might have still left you plugged in to charge, but that's just because I'm too lazy to find your wall wart to pull it out of the power strip. When the time comes, I'm yanking you. You're buried under a pile of crap on my floor, and that's where you're going to stay from now on. I don't want to look at you. I don't want to check my e-mail on you. I'm done with your crap. Everything about you was a lie. I never got to do the things I wanted with you, and when I was with you I wanted to pull out my own hair.
So this is goodbye, 1101HAB. I'm pulling the plug.