I dated this one girl, but it turned out she was actually a humaniform robot built by the government to spy on me and implant ideas in my head. I should have known. Girls who look like that never walk up to me, let alone agree to go out with me. They don't like the things I like (she was like, totally into headphones), they don't agree to do that..."special thing"...I like so much, and they don't make faint whirring sounds when everything else around is quiet.
And she kept saying things that were just a little off. Vampires came up a lot. I don't even like vampires, let alone vampire movies. We went to see every single one. It's almost like she was subtly trying to get me to like vampires.
And boy could that girl eat. She ate like a pig but never seemed to gain an ounce. The other girls all hated her. I used to joke that she had a hollow leg. Turns out she did have a hollow leg.
You know how I finally figured out what she was? When the government set up their surveillance outside my house, their signals caused interference in my girl, and she started doing odd things. First, she started abruptly speaking in Spanish--turns out somebody in the surveillance shelter had hit the SAP button on one of their remote controls by mistake. Then she started getting her signals crossed with the neighbor's female spy robot and started doing his "special thing" instead of mine--I don't ever want to get hit with a whip again. Finally, when we were taking a break from vampires I put on an Austin Powers movie, and when the part with the Fembots came on, she started jerking uncontrollably, smoke billowing out of her ears, and then she exploded in a shower of sparks and shrapnel.
I was heartbroken! Literally, since a large section of her torso embedded itself in my chest and I required immediate surgery. Luckily I survived, but I learned my lesson. No more government spy robots.
Oh, and if you were wondering, her name was Simone.