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worst date stories - Page 34

post #496 of 1368
Quote:
Originally Posted by Armaegis View Post

So... you have girls who are all crushing on you... and this is a bad thing? rolleyes.gif
it is... I don't like being expected to be a certain way or too much attention... I also don't really like rejecting someone... it was so hard. :| also, yesterday 3 people called me cute, so I must be doing something right...
Quote:
Originally Posted by TwinQY View Post

You have to realize that they're probably only attracted to him because of how his legs look in short shorts (I've seen him crossdress). So really, they're liking him for the completely wrong reasons. If they only got to know his personality and all the David Copperfield crap, I'm sure they'd scamper off without a second thought.

Great thread btw. Hopefully I'll never have to contribute a story to it anytime soon...
:| I've been a lot happier after doing my own thing... society is schiit. and also my ex isn't about to kill herself anymore thankfully, but even if she were too I'd keep going now. smily_headphones1.gif. I hope she doesn't though... I might ask her tomorrow (she's coming over! <3)
Edited by gopanthersgo1 - 9/14/13 at 11:41pm
post #497 of 1368
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by gopanthersgo1 View Post


it is... I don't like being expected to be a certain way or too much attention... I also don't really like rejecting someone... it was so hard. :| also, yesterday 3 people called me cute, so I must be doing something right...
:| I've been a lot happier after doing my own thing... society is schiit. and also my ex isn't about to kill herself anymore thankfully, but even if she were too I'd keep going now. smily_headphones1.gif. I hope she doesn't though... I might ask her tomorrow (she's coming over! <3)

 

There are so many conflicting things here. I don't even know where to begin... :blink:

post #498 of 1368

 

 

* * * 

 

Modern Love
by Vladimir V. Putin

They say love is like a polar bear. If you want to take it in your arms and hug it, first you must be sure that it is properly drugged. Or perhaps love is like a tiger. If it escapes from the zoo and starts charging at you, you must shoot it with a tranquilizer dart. Whether it is a polar bear or a tiger, though, one thing is true: you must make love drop to the ground, preferably with some kind of drug, or it will maul you to death and eat you.

I was lonely, vulnerable. I had just come off a relationship that had seemed so promising, but now she was far away, in Siberia. It is true that I had sent her there, but the fact remained: I was alone.

Did I mention that love is like Siberia? I should have, because love can be quite cold sometimes. And it also can seem very far away, which Siberia is. (Unless you are in Siberia yourself.)

So there I was, lonely and vulnerable, the tranquilized polar bear of my heart lying in an unconscious white furry heap at my feet.

And that’s when I saw her. On TV.

I had never seen such a beautiful face, such a lithe and lissome frame. I had never seen such a delicate and precious creature as this, and I have hang-glided with endangered cranes.

I summoned my houseboy, Dmitri, who joined me in front of the TV. We watched in silent wonder for a minute or so, and then I asked him, “What is she doing?”

“I believe in America that is called ‘twerking.’ ”

“I must have her.”

Days passed. With Dmitri’s aid I sought her out. We tried Twitter, Facebook, Instagram. I sent her a Vine video of me kickboxing a tranquilized shark. No response.

I went to St. Petersburg for the G20. All around me, people were speaking of Syria, but all I could think about was my goddess with the foot-long tongue.

Love is like a flock of endangered cranes. It will take you soaring into the clouds, but if you are not careful it will send you hang-gliding into the side of a mountain, your brains falling to the earth in tiny gray jelly bits.

I excused myself from the G20, saying that I was trying to solve the crisis in Syria. In actuality, I was calling Dmitri to see if she had Vined me back.

“Have you heard anything from her?” I asked.

“No, but I have some … discouraging news. From TMZ.”

“TMZ? What is TMZ?”

“It is like KGB. They seem to have information on everyone.”

“Well?”

“It seems that she has a boyfriend. Someone named Liam.”

I put down the phone and looked out the window, at the gray skies of St. Petersburg. My heart suddenly felt like frozen tundra, and my love, a drugged polar bear, was about to fall to that tundra with the bear-like thud that bears make when they fall down suddenly. It was as if all the endangered cranes had suddenly tumbled from the sky, shot down by the antiballistic missiles of cruel fate. Love was a lot of things, it seemed to me, and all of them were pretty bad.

But then it occurred to me: a love such as the one I had for the one who twerked so majestically might come around only once in a lifetime. Who was I to give up on such a love? Who was this Liam to stand in my way?

I picked up the phone again and spoke to Dmitri.

“I want Liam shot with a tranquilizer dart.”

I put down the phone. Love is a lot of things, I have learned—bears, tigers, cranes—but why try to define it? When all is said and done, love means shooting at something and making it fall down. That, I have learned, is the most modern love of all.

With love,

Vlad ;')

post #499 of 1368

lol wut

post #500 of 1368

Didn't Borowitz create Fresh Price of Bel-Air? :D

post #501 of 1368
Quote:
Originally Posted by TwinQY View Post
 

Didn't Borowitz create Fresh Price of Bel-Air? :D

 

OHOWH, O.K., you got me, a plagiarist , I am ;')

 

From "The Borowitz Report" blog .

 

post #502 of 1368

                             :rolleyes:

 

Someone just opened up a can of surreal!!

 

                             :blink:

post #503 of 1368
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mython View Post
 

                             :rolleyes:

 

Someone just opened up a can of surreal!!

 

                             :blink:

 

If you love someone, set them free.

 
If they come back, they are yours.
 
If they don't, hunt them down and kill them.
 
Signed,
G. W. Bush
post #504 of 1368
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chris J View Post
 
If they come back, they are yours.

 

Or dependent...

post #505 of 1368
Quote:
Originally Posted by Armaegis View Post

Or dependent...

You are very wise!
post #506 of 1368
And she is about to kill herself again. How the fack can someone do this? I swear, it's for the same reason I had, but really after I stopped caring about what anybody says I've been so much happier! And by that I mean normal feeling life instead of a world of null feelings! biggrin.gif But You can't talk sense into anyone when they're like this... ever. frown.gif
post #507 of 1368

Although, a one way trip to Mars might be a nice way to go - Reservation applications now being accepted (with a fee) .

 

Perhaps a hefty life insurance policy would be advisable - profit ...

post #508 of 1368
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mshenay View Post
 
 I just wanted to find a SOUL Mate my LIFE Partner my SHARE EVERYTHING ABOUT your self partner

 

 

This is normal. I knew from when I was a child that I was supposed to seek out a certain person. When I met my wife, I KNEW I was to marry her. It was something greater than myself that knew it. 

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by gopanthersgo1 View Post

And she is about to kill herself again. How the fack can someone do this? I swear, it's for the same reason I had, but really after I stopped caring about what anybody says I've been so much happier! And by that I mean normal feeling life instead of a world of null feelings! biggrin.gif But You can't talk sense into anyone when they're like this... ever. frown.gif

 

No she is not. This is just attention seeking. People who really intend to kill themselves don't tell others. 

post #509 of 1368

When in doubt - and I'm not condoning female violence - take them on an awful date. So bad that it'll make it into the list of one of their all-time worst. They'll be livid, to the point where they simply have to stick around in order to spite you.

 

Someone should make a thread about their tried-and-true methods for bad dates. Perhaps some anetodes about some particularly bad ones. I swear, it's like no one on the forum has any initiative at all. We're trying to solve a very serious problem for the Panther, and you guys just leave him out in the dust....:mad: 

post #510 of 1368
Quote:
Originally Posted by TwinQY View Post
 

When in doubt - and I'm not condoning female violence - take them on an awful date. So bad that it'll make it into the list of one of their all-time worst. They'll be livid, to the point where they simply have to stick around in order to spite you.

 

Maybe that was where I went wrong.

 

I was getting quietly ignored at movies and concerts when I could have taken them to tractor pulls.  Saved some dough as well.

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