Originally Posted by gopanthersgo1
Thank you for all of this, and I definitely get what you're saying, but also, I don't do anything for thanks or anything (if I did I wouldn't be doing stuff for my ex.
) but just the illusion of giving my life meaning I think. I do stuff for others because I want them to be okay with themselves, but I don't know what I think of myself anymore
(again, I mean this respectfully), but please don't kid yourself. You're not looking deeply enough. If you have the courage to look deeper, you may realise that you are subconsciously 'rewarding yourself' by believing 'that she's grateful to you', even if she doesn't show it outwardly.
Again, there's no 'judgment' about any of this, I'm just pointing out that whether you consciously acknowledge it or not, you are behaving in a co-dependent manner, out of an erroneous belief that you cannot feel self-fulfilled. You are selling yourself short. It's lovely to help others, but it's counter-productive if you don't learn to love yourself. Until you do, as 'deadlylover eloquently remarked all else is just a band-aid for the elephant in the room.
Originally Posted by gopanthersgo1
I stopped hating me a while back, but not loving myself either, just me being a person. I agree I need more self love but I don't know where to really begin. :/
There are a few things you can do to help to some extent, but the fundamental neccessity, beneath everything else, is that you need to increase your level of cognitive awareness.
There are 3 things, in particular, that I would recommend to you:
2) Cognitive Behavoural Therapy (CBT)
3) Psychological Resiliency techniques
Meditation, if done over the longterm, has extremely beneficial effects upon the brain. It increases the degree to which the two hemispheres of the brain operate in synchrony with one another. This has many benefits but one of the main ones, subjectively-speaking, is that it makes you feel much calmer, generally, and less reactive to stressful or alarming situations. Longterm meditation also increases the degree of communication between different areas of the neocortex. What this means is that you become more and more able to 'witness' thought processes which previously happened beneath your conscious awareness. All your life, you've been conditioned, bit-by-bit, to believe certain things and to string-together blocks of thought in response to events/people/situations, and it's become completely automatic, so you 'automatically' generate emotions in response to things, and don't even realise you're doing it. But the more you can 'see' these automatic processes, the less they are automatic and the more you can take control and choose how you respond to things. So, instead of feeling sad, lonely (or some other emotion), you can take some control.
I know that might sound rediculously simplistic, but that actually is, broadly-speaking, how the mind works. I understood this in theory, but it took going through the process (which is an ongoing one) to appreciate that it really is how it works. You get to a point where things begin to click into place and, at that point (which varies between people) you find that, fairly rapidly, a huge amount of subconscious tension disappears, and you become less emotional as a person (in a very good way).
The process of neurological development arising from longterm meditation can be greatly accelerated through the use of binaural entrainment soundtracks (I use Holosync, but there are cheaper alternatives). Using these, one can begin to see some improvement within as little as 2 to 6 months (but it is gradually ongoing for many years).
Cognitive Behavioural Therapy is a therapy which helps people to take more control of their conscious thought processes, and, to a small extent, a bit more control over subconscious thought processes. It's not as effective as meditation, but it can nonetheless be very helpful and worthwhile. I don't know what country you live in, but your doctor might be able to refer you for CBT. No drugs are involved, it's purely a way of training people to become more aware of their thought processes in response to life situations/people/things/events.
I realise you're in a stressful situation at the moment, and I'm throwing a lot of information at you, but I absolutely promise you , I sincerely, truthfully, have been in your position myself, and I have come through it, and I have also actually been through the process of improving neurological function in order to increase cognitive awareness of subconscious thought processes that I am describing to you. I didn't 'just read this in a book'; I've lived it and benefitted enormously from it. In fact, once you start to be able to see the thought processes that used to occur automatically, they burst like bubbles and it's quite hilarious when you see the sheer stress and anguish you used to unknowingly cause yourself (really! )
You have underestimated yourself for a very long time, and you now have an opportunity to become so much more, and to become free from the deeply-held belief that you cannot be content in your own company. You have so much to offer the world, but first of all, you need to get your own head squared away
Do you know what really successful people have in common? They have learned how to turn adversity into opportunity.
Successful people do not (for the most part) become successful without experiencing adversity. It is amazing how differently different people respond to the same kind of situation. Some panic, some fold, some run away, some stand their ground, some fight, some think their way around it, etc. etc. If you read about Psychological Resiliency techniques, you will be astonished at how resourceful some people can be, in response to some extremely challenging and stressful situations. And the wonderful thing about this is that it is easy to learn these techniques! I highly recommend you read books such as:
The Survivor Personality - Al Siebert
Developing Resilience - Michael Neenan
Loving What Is - Byron Katie
The Sedona Method - Hale Dwoskin
and listen to free podcast interviews by people like Bill Harris, as they discuss psychological resiliency techniques (and the benefits of meditation)
I understand that you feel like crap at the moment, but if you have any questions, I'll be happy to answer them. You are going to get through this and, godammit, you're even going to be happy (yes, happy!) in the near future
Edited by Mython - 8/24/13 at 6:02pm