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worst date stories - Page 31

post #451 of 1393
Quote:
Originally Posted by Armaegis View Post

Then it's time to do some soul searching and find something that is self-fulfilling.

There's that slippery slope in doing for others where you've taken yourself so far out of the equation that you are no longer a factor. Don't let that become a crutch.
Yeah, but I honestly just don't care about me... :/ I mean if I have money I just buy something for someone else, and that makes me happy...
post #452 of 1393
Quote:
Originally Posted by gopanthersgo1 View Post


Yeah, but I honestly just don't care about me... :/ I mean if I have money I just buy something for someone else, and that makes me happy...

 

Armaegis has given you some excellent nuggets of wisdom; please don't be tempted to gloss over them. I share a similar outlook on life, based upon hard-won experience.

 

 

 

 

 

I've been where you are now, albeit for different reasons, and I'm not 'just saying that' - I really have been a risk to myself in the ultimate sense, but stepped back, so-to-speak, and got my $h1t together again.

 

I'm going to be blunt with you, but please understand where I'm coming from - I'm on your side and I have actually been where you are now. The only reason I'm being blunt with you is because I'm trying to shake some sense into you, but from a friendly standpoint:

 

Your above remark suggests that you are subconsciously doing things for other people in order to feel good about yourself when they thank or praise you for your kindness/generosity. There's nothing wrong with that, and it does feel good to give things to / do things for others, but it becomes a problem when you don't respect yourself enough and rely upon others praising/thanking you in order for you to feel a sense of self-worth; you are expecting others to love you, as a way of compensating for you not loving yourself.

 

 

 

 

Your earlier remarks make it quite apparent that you are subconsciously telling yourself something which is actually untrue, but which you have been telling yourself for so long that you genuinely believe it to be an actual fact: "I need someone else in order to feel happy / at peace". Even though that seems so real, it's bull$h1t. Don't worry, most of the human population believes this nonsense  - that's one major reason (aside from the biological urge to procreate) why humans tend to be so keen (desperate?) to pair-off and marry someone to be a reliable companion for the remainder of their lives.

 

There's nothing 'wrong' with relationships (platonic or romantic), but the problem arises when the relationship is entered into / continued due to a sense of 'neediness' or 'insecurity' or 'inadequacy' or 'loneliness'. These beliefs/emotions do not make for healthy relationships/friendships and they indicate a lack of awareness. Now, lack of awareness is not the same as lack of intelligence; they are two entirely different things. Self-awareness isn't 'knowledge'/'intellect'/'intelligence' - it's the ability to see through false subconscious beliefs as they arise in your mind. The more self-aware a person becomes, the less they believe the 'automatic' B$ thoughts they have been conditioned to believe, and the more they come to realise that every person is complete without 'needing' someone else in order to feel complete/happy/at peace.

 

People often feel agitated/sad/emotional etc. without realising why they are feeling such emotions (emotions often arise from subconscious thoughts in response to a situation, person's behaviour, or event, etc.). Because they lack sufficient cognitive awareness to observe the subconscious thoughts which led to them feeling an emotion, they try to consciously find 'a reason why' they feel agitated/sad/lonely etc. In such circumstances, one of the easiest 'reasons' to find is to covnince oneself that it's because they 'need' someone else in order to not feel alone or unhappy or frustrated, or whatever, but the real reason is simply that a bunch of habitual / conditioned thought processes have occurred in the subconscious mind. Therefore, the person does not really need another person in order to feel complete/happy/at peace, etc. What they really need is to become aware of these conditioned subconscious bull$h1t thought processes.

 

In case you might be thinking that what I'm saying is bull$h1t (I'm cool with you thinking that! LOL), it's really not, and I can say that because I do have a psychology degree and (much more importantly) because I have actually been through the process of experiencing such thoughts, increasing my level of awareness, and then seeing through the utter falseness of these thought processes. When I finally became sufficiently aware to be able to witness, as an impartial 'observer', these subconscious thought processes going on in my head, it was so freeing and took a massive amount of weight off my mind. In one fell swoop, I no longer felt like I 'needed' anyone in my life in order to feel content/happy/peaceful.

 

And there is another bonus of this happening. When you get to the stage where you don't believe these B$ subconscious thought processes whilst they are occurring, they occur less and less and you therefore stop generating so many confusing emotions, and you become relaxed and content in your own company, at which point other people subconsciously sense your peace of mind and are drawn towards you.

 

It's one of those strange paradoxes in life that the less you 'need' others, the more they appear in your life. And the reverse is true - the more you 'need' others, the less they are drawn to you, and those that are tend to also be needy or insecure.

 

The point of me explaining all of this is that I want you to see that your sense of 'needing' your ex GF or your mate in order to be happy is not actually true. You are just believing that because you have subconscious thought processes making your conscious mind believe that you are incomplete.

 

Happiness is an inside job.

 

 

If any of this resonates with you, I can continue and describe how you can raise your self-awareness, but I've said enough for one post.

 

 

.


Edited by Mython - 8/24/13 at 4:49pm
post #453 of 1393
Originally Posted by gopanthersgo1 View Post

Yeah, but I honestly just don't care about me... :/ I mean if I have money I just buy something for someone else, and that makes me happy...

 

Try to look at yourself from another perspective, it's very unhealthy to be a people pleaser, as your happiness is completely dependent upon another persons' happiness and you'll just spiral into depression if, no, when you will occasionally fail to do so. You should be sharing your happiness with those you love, not just selflessly serving them, in hopes that they'll love you back for making them happy.

 

I know it's very easy to justify to yourself that it's perfectly fine to continue behaving the way you are, I mean, who doesn't want to make people happy? But I think you need to recompose yourself, and turn things down a notch, or else this cycle of suffering won't end.

 

I think working on the problems in your relationships is the right thing to do, and just trying to force things by drowning someone in happiness is just a band-aid for the elephant in the room.

 

Failure is a part of success, and each time you encounter failure, as long as you learn from it, you'll become a better person.

 

Mython knows whats up, listen, and listen carefully. I didn't see his post until I hit preview, and he's chronicled his thoughts much better than I could ever dream of doing. tongue.gif

post #454 of 1393
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mython View Post

Armaegis has given you some excellent nuggets of wisdom; please don't be tempted to gloss over them. I share a similar outlook on life, based upon hard-won experience.





I've been where you are now, albeit for different reasons, and I'm not 'just saying that' - I really have been a risk to myself in the ultimate sense, but stepped back, so-to-speak, and got my $h1t together again.

I'm going to be blunt with you, but please understand where I'm coming from - I'm on your side and I have actually been where you are now. The only reason I'm being blunt with you is because I'm trying to shake some sense into you, but from a friendly standpoint:

Your above remark suggests that you are subconsciously doing things for other people in order to feel good about yourself when they thank or praise you for your kindness/generosity. There's nothing wrong with that, and it does feel good to give things to / do things for others, but it becomes a problem when you don't respect yourself enough and rely upon others praising/thanking you in order for you to feel a sense of self-worth; you are expecting others to love you, as a way of compensating for you not loving yourself.




Your earlier remarks make it quite apparent that you are subconsciously telling yourself something which is actually untrue, but you which you have been telling yourself for so long that you genuinely believe it to be an actual fact: "I need someone else in order to feel happy / at peace". Even though that seems so real, it's bull$h1t. Don't worry, most of the human population believes this nonsense  - that's one major reason (aside from the biological urge to procreate) why humans tend to be so keen (desperate?) to pair-off and marry someone to be a reliable companion for the remainder of their lives.

There's nothing 'wrong' with relationships (platonic or romantic), but the problem arises when the relationship is entered into / continued due to a sense of 'neediness' or 'insecurity' or 'inadequacy' or 'loneliness'. These beliefs/emotions do not make for healthy relationships/friendships and they indicate a lack of awareness. Now, lack of awareness is not the same as lack of intelligence; they are two entirely different things. Self-awareness isn't 'knowledge' - it's the ability to see through false subconscious beliefs as they occur in your mind. The more self-aware a person becomes, the less they believe the 'automatic' B$ thoughts they have been conditioned to believe, and the more they come to realise that every person is complete without 'needing' someone else in order to feel complete/happy/at peace.

People often feel agitated/sad etc. without realising why they are feeling agitated (agitation often arises from subconscious thoughts in response to a situation, person's behaviour, or event etc.). Because they lack sufficient awareness to observe the subconscious thoughts which led to them feeling agitated, they try to consciously find 'a reason why' they feel agitated/sad etc. In such circumstances, one of the easiest 'reasons' to find is to tell oneself that it's because they 'need' someone else in order to not feel alone or unhappy or frustrated, or whatever, but the real reason is simply that a bunch of habitual / conditioned thought processes have occurred in the subconscious mind. Therefore, the person does not really need another person in order to feel complete/happy/at peace, etc. What they really need is to become aware of these conditioned subconscious bull$h1t thought processes.

In case you might be thinking that what I'm saying is bull$h1t (I'm cool with you thinking that! LOL), it's really not, and I can say that because I do have a psychology degree and (much more importantly) because I have actually been through the process of experiencing such thoughts, increasing my level of awareness, and then seeing through the utter falseness of these thought processes. When I finally became sufficiently aware to be able to witness, as an impartial 'observer', these subconscious thought processes going on in my head, it was so freeing and took a massive amount of weight off my mind. In one fell swoop, I no longer felt like I 'needed' anyone in my life in order to feel content/happy/peaceful.

And there is another bonus of this happening. When you get to the stage where you don't believe these B$ subconscious thought processes, you become relaxed and content in your own company and other people subconsciously sense your peace of mind and are drawn towards you.

It's one of those strange paradoxes in life that the less you 'need' others, the more they appear in your life. And the reverse is true - the more you 'need' others, the less they are drawn to you, and those that are tend to also be needy or insecure.

The point of me explaining all of this is that I want you to see that your sense of 'needing' your ex GF or your mate in order to be happy is not actually true. You are just believing that because you have subconscious thought processes making your conscious mind believe that you are incomplete.

If any of this resonates with you, I can continue and describe how you can raise your self-awareness, but I've said enough for one post.
Thank you for all of this, and I definitely get what you're saying, but also, I don't do anything for thanks or anything (if I did I wouldn't be doing stuff for my ex. tongue.gif) but just the illusion of giving my life meaning I think. I do stuff for others because I want them to be okay with themselves, but I don't know what I think of myself anymore... I stopped hating me a while back, but not loving myself either, just me being a person. I agree I need more self love but I don't know where to really begin. :/
post #455 of 1393

Wow, you both are a truly great self help tag-team who could talk me off from the ledge - Good job  ;')

 

Love 101

 

Read the brilliance that is McWilliams on line here:

 http://www.drugsense.org/mcwilliams/www.mcwilliams.com/books/books/love101/index8.htm

 

Best regards

post #456 of 1393
Originally Posted by gopanthersgo1 View Post

I agree I need more self love but I don't know where to really begin. :/

 

I'd suggest you focus on your studies, put everything else on the side for now, and don't let it weigh you down.

 

I want to see a successful, independent and confident gpg in four, five, or even six years down the line, on the market, and waiting for 'the one' to fall into your lap. wink.gif

post #457 of 1393
Quote:
Originally Posted by deadlylover View Post

I'd suggest you focus on your studies, put everything else on the side for now, and don't let it weigh you down.

I want to see a successful, independent and confident gpg in four, five, or even six years down the line, on the market, and waiting for 'the one' to fall into your lap. wink.gif
I'll try! tongue.gif
post #458 of 1393
Quote:
Originally Posted by gopanthersgo1 View Post


Thank you for all of this, and I definitely get what you're saying, but also, I don't do anything for thanks or anything (if I did I wouldn't be doing stuff for my ex. tongue.gif) but just the illusion of giving my life meaning I think. I do stuff for others because I want them to be okay with themselves, but I don't know what I think of myself anymore

 

(again, I mean this respectfully), but please don't kid yourself. You're not looking deeply enough. If you have the courage to look deeper, you may realise that you are subconsciously 'rewarding yourself' by believing 'that she's grateful to you', even if she doesn't show it outwardly.

 

Again, there's no 'judgment' about any of this, I'm just pointing out that whether you consciously acknowledge it or not, you are behaving in a co-dependent manner, out of an erroneous belief that you cannot feel self-fulfilled. You are selling yourself short. It's lovely to help others, but it's counter-productive if you don't learn to love yourself. Until you do, as 'deadlylover eloquently remarked all else is just a band-aid for the elephant in the room.

 

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by gopanthersgo1 View Post


I stopped hating me a while back, but not loving myself either, just me being a person. I agree I need more self love but I don't know where to really begin. :/

 

 

There are a few things you can do to help to some extent, but the fundamental neccessity, beneath everything else, is that you need to increase your level of cognitive awareness.

 

 

There are 3 things, in particular, that I would recommend to you:

 

1) Meditation.

 

2) Cognitive Behavoural Therapy (CBT)

 

3) Psychological Resiliency techniques

 

 

 

Meditation, if done over the longterm, has extremely beneficial effects upon the brain. It increases the degree to which the two hemispheres of the brain operate in synchrony with one another. This has many benefits but one of the main ones, subjectively-speaking, is that it makes you feel much calmer, generally, and less reactive to stressful or alarming situations. Longterm meditation also increases the degree of communication between different areas of the neocortex. What this means is that you become more and more able to 'witness' thought processes which previously happened beneath your conscious awareness. All your life, you've been conditioned, bit-by-bit, to believe certain things and to string-together blocks of thought in response to events/people/situations, and it's become completely automatic, so you 'automatically' generate emotions in response to things, and don't even realise you're doing it. But the more you can 'see' these automatic processes, the less they are automatic and the more you can take control and choose how you respond to things. So, instead of feeling sad, lonely (or some other emotion), you can take some control.

 

I know  that might sound rediculously simplistic, but that actually is, broadly-speaking, how the mind works. I understood this in theory, but it took going through the process (which is an ongoing one) to appreciate that it really is how it works. You get to a point where things begin to click into place and, at that point (which varies between people) you find that, fairly rapidly, a huge amount of subconscious tension disappears, and you become less emotional as a person (in a very good way).

 

The process of neurological development arising from longterm meditation can be greatly accelerated through the use of binaural entrainment soundtracks (I use Holosync, but there are cheaper alternatives). Using these, one can begin to see some improvement within as little as 2 to 6 months (but it is gradually ongoing for many years).

 

 

 

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy is a therapy which helps people to take more control of their conscious thought processes, and, to a small extent, a bit more control over subconscious thought processes. It's not as effective as meditation, but it can nonetheless be very helpful and worthwhile. I don't know what country you live in, but your doctor might be able to refer you for CBT. No drugs are involved, it's purely a way of training people to become more aware of their thought processes in response to life situations/people/things/events.

 

 

 

 

I realise you're in a stressful situation at the moment, and I'm throwing a lot of information at you, but I absolutely promise you , I sincerely, truthfully, have been in your position myself, and I have come through it, and I have also actually been through the process of improving neurological function in order to increase cognitive awareness of subconscious thought processes that I am describing to you. I didn't 'just read this in a book'; I've lived it and benefitted enormously from it. In fact, once you start to be able to see the thought processes that used to occur automatically, they burst like bubbles and it's quite hilarious when you see the sheer stress and anguish you used to unknowingly cause yourself (really! smile.gif)

 

 

 

You have underestimated yourself for a very long time, and you now have an opportunity to become so much more, and to become free from the deeply-held belief that you cannot be content in your own company. You have so much to offer the world, but first of all, you need to get your own head squared away beerchug.gif

 

 

Do you know what really successful people have in common? They have learned how to turn adversity into opportunity.

Successful people do not (for the most part) become successful without experiencing adversity. It is amazing how differently different people respond to the same kind of situation. Some panic, some fold, some run away, some stand their ground, some fight, some think their way around it, etc. etc. If you read about Psychological Resiliency techniques, you will be astonished at how resourceful some people can be, in response to some extremely challenging and stressful situations. And the wonderful thing about this is that it is easy to learn these techniques! I highly recommend you read books such as:

 

The Survivor Personality - Al Siebert

Developing Resilience - Michael Neenan

Loving What Is - Byron Katie

The Sedona Method - Hale Dwoskin

 

and listen to free podcast interviews by people like Bill Harris, as they discuss psychological resiliency techniques (and the benefits of meditation)

 

 

 

I understand that you feel like crap at the moment, but if you have any questions, I'll be happy to answer them. You are going to get through this and, godammit, you're even going to be happy (yes, happy!) in the near future L3000.gif


Edited by Mython - 8/24/13 at 6:02pm
post #459 of 1393
If you're worried ed about your girlfriend gpg,
believe me when I say that a few years down the line you will struggle to even remember her name or what she looked like.
As hard as it might sound, if you split up it won't be the end of the world. Just remember there will be women who will simply knock you off your feet and you won't care about the past any more.

From personal experience, I always hankered after tall willowy women and here I am today getting hitched to someone who's barely 5"4' compared to six foot me.
post #460 of 1393
Quote:
Originally Posted by gopanthersgo1 View Post


Yeah, but I honestly just don't care about me... :/ I mean if I have money I just buy something for someone else, and that makes me happy...

Oh man, I've heard this before. Learn to love yourself! You're amazing, you can change the world, never forget that!

post #461 of 1393
Quote:
Originally Posted by gopanthersgo1 View Post


Yeah, but I honestly just don't care about me... :/ I mean if I have money I just buy something for someone else, and that makes me happy...


Ok kid, this aint really the place for self help so take everything and I mean everything with a grain or spoonful of salt.wink_face.gif  I'd highly recommend seeking out a therapist who will listen and guide you on discovering who you really are and what strenghts you may have but suppressed. I'd also suggest that anyone seeking any kind of help read "If You Meet The Budda On The Road, Kill Him" It is rather a primer for all roads to self discovery and written by a Psychatrist it falls into the category of get help, oh but first read this.

 

I threw a thought at a rather well respected shrink a while ago and he still uses it.

 

The agricultural definition of a weed, is simply a plant growing out of place.

 

A rose in a cornfield is a weed.

post #462 of 1393

First of all...

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by gopanthersgo1 View Post

I only have one real good friend... :/

 

I beg to differ.  Come on now, you know how much we're all behind you here!  smile.gif

 


 

And secondly, I'd like to point out that this is just an audio forum.  And any advice given here is not to be misconstrued as medical advice in any way, shape, or form. wink.gif

post #463 of 1393

This story isn't even bad or even touch the surface compared to some of what I've seen in here. but i was once with a friend when i was about 15 or so.. and we were just walking and he ran into one of his school friends (we were good friends but Didn't go to the same school)

his friend happened to be a rather cute lady.. anyway so it turned out we were headed in the same direction so all 3 of us walked together, me and this lady got on rather well. she found me funny (or at least pretended to ;) )

 

Anyways so i didn't really think too much of it. The time came for us to part and we did so. She went home and me and my friend carried on to his home. later that evening my friend received a text saying something along the lines of "oh I'm going to place X this weekend. Do you want to come? oh.. you can bring your friend too" we both agreed/ went out/had a nice time/exchanged numbers this time.

 

We got talking.. eventually i asked her out.

 

So we went on this date and it was actually really good. everything went swimmingly. At one point we were just talking, and I've no idea how it got onto this topic, but i mentioned i was an atheist and thought nothing of it, but from that point.. she just seemed to turn off. and decided we shouldn't go on a second date after that. 

 

I was left behind because I wasn't religious! :o

 

----don't read on for irritatingly happy ending in a bad dates thread.

Warning: Happy ending! (Click to show)

The story ends (fairly well) because we remained friends.. got to know each other really well... and by accident discovered how compatible we were. i never really stopped liking her... we went out a lot.. just us two. I was her tutor for science exams etc. and about two years after the above event we ended up discussing such a prospect of seeing each other again. in the years passed she too had started to abandon religion.. and we got together on new years eve 2011 and have been together since.

 
once again i apologize for a happy ending.

 

post #464 of 1393
Quote:
Originally Posted by gopanthersgo1 View Post


Yeah, but I honestly just don't care about me... :/ I mean if I have money I just buy something for someone else, and that makes me happy...

Music therapy (as I call it)  has worked for me in the past when I felt down.....those few lifelong favorite albums that I could just listen to when I needed to tune out from everything else and just roll with the comforting songs. I might never have made it through high school with  Led Zeppelin's first, second and fourth albums and Jimi Hendrix's "Electric Ladyland" and "Are You Experienced"  and the Doors' debut album to keep me company. (and all that was before I ever drifted into the land of substance abuse....lol)

post #465 of 1393
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cakensaur View Post

Warning: Happy ending! (Click to show)
 
once again i apologize for a happy ending.

 

 

Have you no shame, man?! tongue.gif

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