Originally Posted by Argyris
I've been through the unexpected meeting thing before. About half a year after the fateful last date with Zoe, I spotted her in the local Meijer. I was just walking along, minding my own business, and suddenly she just walked past me. There were two forces within me: one that drew me to her, and one that was mortally terrified. The former seemed to be winning at first. I wandered in an aimlessly looping pattern, mind awash with fear and longing. I didn't have a definite plan, but I knew I wanted to intersect her and hope that she saw me. Somewhere near the frozen food I crossed paths with her again. It's cliche, but I was drawn to her like a moth to flame. I made it to within 15 feet. She had to have seen me. She acted like she hadn't noticed, though. Something snapped, I came to my senses, and I bolted. I hid in the automotive section for an hour until I figured she had left. In the mean time, I called a good friend for moral support. She might as well have been speaking in Swahili, though, for all the good it did. I was spooked, and it didn't really die down until I got the hell out of that place and started on my way home.
That was the last time I ever saw Zoe. Something she had said in the midst of trying to convince me I was worthless that one time stuck out. Something about how she wished that, in the future, she could meet me in the supermarket and be able to not say anything to me. Well, she got her wish, for what it's worth.
Oh I totally understand this. I've had a couple times where I've retreated to the car and sat in a parking lot for an hour because I couldn't stand to look at her. I froze, figuratively and literally. Really stupid, because then I can only sit there and stew in my own thoughts which makes things worse. But would being in the room and becoming more anxious be any better?
Originally Posted by nick n
Simply too bad she is still lingering around, if you could become a ghost socially with zero chance of running into her again it'd be different and easier slowly, but this is simply too much. You can't catch a break at all. You are definitely the better person though she seems to have zero guilt or recognition . pathetic.
The first few times I bumped into the ex after the breakup, it kept throwing me under a bus emotionally. My brain would flood back to all the things that she criticized about me, all the things that made me feel worthless, and I'd crumble. I'd literally feel sick, and all the progress I made to bring myself up over the past few weeks or months would come crashing down.
Even after I figured out that she had been cheating and all those things were just cruelties and ignorance on her part, I'd still crumble when I saw her. All that self-doubt would come rushing back in. I knew better, but the depression would hit me except now mixed with anger. And that sickness in my stomach was from both anxiety and rage. I could actually feel my heart beating faster as the adrenaline hit me. A friend of mine had to once calm me down as he said I looked ready to kill someone. I had clenched my fists so hard I actually took some skin off my hand.
It's been over two years now, but it shocks and saddens me how much it still knocks me for a loop when I see her. As soon as I see her it's like a pit opens in my stomach. I taste the bile in my throat and I'm frankly ashamed at how angry I still feel, and how disturbingly violent my thoughts become. A part of me knows the healthiest thing is to just move on, but another part of me screams for vengeance against the woman who broke me down and emotionally abused me and left me on a suicidal cliff. I want to scream at her, call her out on all the terrible things she laid on me and against my family. But that wouldn't do any good, and would only diminish the both of us and make me look petty and childish.
The anger comes in waves, and they're less frequent now, but when they hit it seems like sometimes they're becoming stronger. Or maybe it seems that way because they're less frequent.
The road to healing has been bumpy. Picking myself back up has been tough, and entering back into the dating game has been harder. The first girl I went on a date with afterwards, turns out she was cheating on her bf after they'd had a fight. Yeah, that made me feel real good about myself. Another one that I was interested in didn't return the feeling but I found out afterwards from a friend of hers that she strung me along for a few months because she wanted the attention until she snagged a new guy who was more her style.