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Help my friend out please. Bipolar mother is tearing the family apart.

post #1 of 15
1/14/11 at 9:31pm
Thread Starter 

Hi fellow Head-fiers,

 

My friend has a very difficult problem and he really doesn't know if there is any way to solve it without something terrible happening. He would like to receive any suggestions if possible.

 

My friend's mother has at least been diagnosed bi-polar. He suspects that she is developing senile dementia too. She's been this way for over 40 years and his father is usually the target of her bi-polar moments. She will start yelling for almost no reason. The things she yells about make very little sense, like how his dad stole her parent's money or how her siblings want her dead. Her condition gets progressively worse. The bi-polar moments could go on for up to 16 hours of just screaming and yelling. Sometimes crying can occur regularly and abruptly. These moments can also happen around 3 days in a week. My friend's mother thinks she is normal and that everyone wants to kill her. She doesn't really have friends and she distrusts everyone. If you mention anything about her needing to take medication, she would think his father corrupted you.

 

She has seen the doctor before and she was told to take certain medication, but after that visit, she refused to take the medication or see the doctor anymore. She doesn't trust the medication nor the doctor. His father has taken her to the police which took her to a mental institute, but he had tried to release her afterward. She was getting worse inside, being very scared and lonely. The institute kept refusing to release her, but he had to eventually convince them that she was OK.

 

Tonight he couldn't really handle it anymore and wanted to bring her to the police. His relatives stopped him though and decided to hold on to his mother for the time being. However, his relatives are very stressed out. They have huge problems of their own. They said they will take care of her for tonight, but they warned him not to bring her to the mental institute, saying institutes treat their patients terribly, such as using electric shocks. They told him that the best course of action is probably to stick it out and wait for his parents to divorce so that she would have freedom.

 

Do you guys have any suggestions? I know bi-polar medication helps, but only if that person is willing to take it. I also know that we can not force someone to take medication against their will. She also seems to get worse in an institute. Is there any solution besides divorce???

 

Thanks in advance,

 

Joe

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post #2 of 15
1/15/11 at 8:43am

Very tough situation that will not likely end well. I say that because as you stated...meds do work in most cases but only if the person takes it. One of the problems I often dealt with concerning people that were bi-polar and/or schizophrenic is one...they either took the meds, started feeling better, then decided they didn't need the meds anymore and it turned into a vicious never ending circle. Or, the person was to the point such as in this case were they would not even take the meds and it just got to the point where there was little that could be done other than hospitalization in an attempt to get them on meds and better to were they can be counseled. This seemed to work much of the time but if the person's mindset isn't changed...they will end up in position one again and eventually back to the second situation.

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post #3 of 15
1/15/11 at 10:37am

Sounds like my wife. Headphones have helped.

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post #4 of 15
1/15/11 at 2:41pm

well i assume divorce isnt an option, if tho father was going to surely he would have by now.

 

so how old is your friend?  assuming of an age hes still at home i say he should ask to move in with other family, grandparents probably and then head of to uni like everyone else and try to leave it all behind.

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post #5 of 15
1/15/11 at 2:43pm

put the meds in her food...I'm not kidding...if the meds help her then you've gotta find a way to make her ingest the meds

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post #6 of 15
1/15/11 at 3:37pm
Sounds like she's already had a 72 hour observation and they decided to keep her.

She needs to go back for another and probably should be institutionalized. I am not a doctor and certainly cannot diagnose over the Internet. But I've dealt with some thorny family law stuff and, if this account is true, she is possibly a threat to herself and others. If a doctor makes that determination, she should be institutionalized. It would be irresponsible otherwise.

Legally, she can be declared incompetent and have a guardian (most likely her husband) appointed. That would help keep her from wasting money, allow someone else to direct her medical care, keep her from driving, and much else. If she can't take care of herself, she needs a guardian.

You also need a social worker on the case. They're very helpful and know how all the processes work and all of the city/county programs that help.

I'd also recommend talking to a lawyer. Go talk to someone who specializes in divorce and family law. They know how the system works and probably have a lot of local contacts, as well. If a lawyer is too expensive, contact the local Legal Aid office. They can help for free.

Don't worry about the institutions. They're a lot better than they used to be and the "Cuckoo's Nest" stuff doesn't happen any more. Electroshock is used in some cases, still. I know someone who had it a few years back. He was nervous before having it, but he said it wasn't bad at all. It's not a scene out of a horror movie, it's more like having an EKG. No pain, it was calm, and - most importantly - he thought that it genuinely helped and he's doing much better. It's just another procedure today, one that works and helps people.

Anyhow, my plan of action would be to contact her previous doctor/institution and find out the best way to have her re-committed. Call the police if she is an immediate threat to herself or others. Then go talk to a family lawyer about a guardianship (this will have to be coordinated with the doctors, since they'll make the call on competence). There will be a number of other legal issues (financial, estate planning, etc.) that the lawyer will help with. Then get a social worker involved. The social worker will know all of the local options and be able to guide you to what works best.

Do not ignore this. She will not get better on her own. Ignored, it will just get worse until something tragic happens. Obviously, no one wants to be institutionalized. But that's the only way she and everyone else can get out of this. And you never know what might happen. Medicine gets better every year. Maybe she'll respond to treatment and stay on the meds, ending up with a decent life.
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post #7 of 15
1/16/11 at 3:45am
Thread Starter 

Thanks a lot everyone I really appreciate your help! We received the suggestions and forwarded to who we think needs suggestions. Only thing now is to wait...

 

Thanks again for the suggestions! They were DEFINITELY helpful for a tough time like this. It seems we imagined electric shock to be like a taser or an electric prod. I don't think we want shocks even if it's not that extreme. Anyways, it's too soon to imagine these circumstances. Just need to progress to the next step.

 

Any more suggestions would still be definitely considered.

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post #8 of 15
1/16/11 at 5:15am

OK, NOBODY does electric shock therapy anymore. (In the very rare cases that it's still performed, it has to be with informed consent.) Nobody is tied down or ill-treated. I spent a week in a "mental health" ward in college (and this was almost 15 years ago) because of severe depression, and my mother also has a few years ago, after a suicide attempt. (Great genes we have going on!)

 

They are not bad. They have activities, they have nurses and doctors who monitor your condition regularly, they have therapists, they have visiting hours, etc. They are very restrictive about what sort of items you can have, though -- nothing that anyone could injure themselves with.

 

However, it IS very difficult to have someone committed involuntarily for any length of time. My mom, for example, only stayed three days, and I felt she could have benefited from being there a lot longer.

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post #9 of 15
1/16/11 at 3:08pm
Thread Starter 

OK. I got an answer. They said that sending her to the institution last time for just a few days, cost them about $3000. They said there is no way they can afford to keep her institutionalized for long even if they needed to...

 

What can we do now?....

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post #10 of 15
1/17/11 at 11:01am

Contact the local health department or Dept. of Human Health Resources. See if they will do a comp. hearing on her. If they determine she needs to be committed...she will be immediately and without cost to the family and it would be involuntary so she can't leave the facility until the doctors feel she is ready. That is how it works here in WV at least. Still might be worth asking around. You may also check into signing her over as a ward of the state. I am not sure how that works with an adult...I know there is a process. For kids it is pretty easy to do. An adult obviously would have to be incompetent and proven to be so. Again...something to look into...I would probably consult a lawyer at this point to get some advise if nothing else.

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post #11 of 15
1/18/11 at 6:23am

Does she have any kind of insurance? Medicare/Medicaid?

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post #12 of 15
1/18/11 at 6:22pm
Thread Starter 

Thanks for the help guys!

 

I will look into contacting the local health department. For now, we have devised a plan. We'll see how it goes.

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post #13 of 15
1/18/11 at 9:12pm

That's terrible. All I can offer you is good luck.

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post #14 of 15
1/21/11 at 6:42pm

Yes....quite  the dilemma, hope she finds and gets the help she needs for all concerned. I am sure there will be some tough decisions to be made. Please keep us posted.

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post #15 of 15
1/23/11 at 3:38am
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by wuwhere View Post

That's terrible. All I can offer you is good luck.

Quote:
Originally Posted by tjohnusa View Post

Yes....quite  the dilemma, hope she finds and gets the help she needs for all concerned. I am sure there will be some tough decisions to be made. Please keep us posted.


This means alot. Thank you

 

We'll keep you all updated if anything happens, but it's not something we can rush. Thanks again

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