For two moo-hanking days, I committed the deplorable gaffe of posting my Halloween glee on another site. Color me baffled when I found I'd been surrounded by Satan-despising audiophiles who reviled Halloween as they would Lucifer's personal coloring book. If ever he joined that site, Chadbang would have to change his motto to Hail Satin.
Even arguments that Halloween began as a harmless pagan holiday and became All Hallow's Eve led to strange backlash because AHE was purportedly a degenerate bastardization of true believers' most pure and personal faith. Catholics and Orthodoxians, said site seemed to fume collectively, how dare you.
After a few days of stuttered conjunctions, I was forced to post the following to retrieve my sanity before it loped away and became a buckshot-fortified ouncecake:
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I for one am deeply offended by the lack of accountant jokes being made on this acrid holiday. Your shameful omission is at odds with the Pagan-Excel-Chart-Scarification tradition of Halloween, which I'm often seen celebrating with my syncophancy of evil Affenpinschers:
"Attack, O Nefarious Affenpinschers! Converge, O Hellspawn of Samael, paw-sworn to carry out my Infernal Bidding between your pugflaps like a Tiny Pheasant of Torment! Grip it with the unutterable power of your Gums of Detainment! Do, do grip it unto Saliva'd Ignominy, my Pups of Bib-Dissolving Phlebitis! Yes, do grip it, Oh!"
Just before midnight, as the rotund orange lanterns with drinking problems begin to flicker and their candles to sag (lacking a support system or even shoulder straps to secure the cups of their evil vegetable snuffers), Halloween celebrants become possessed with taxation fear and hurl carmelized receipts at the image of their least competent accountant -- even as death and the occult are glorified by the Damned, who form the letters of bogus write-offs with cinnamon tootsie rolls.
Once that's accomplished, the awful joy-secreting pumpkin fondlers settle down to watch videos of Anton LaVey commanding Marilyn Manson to festoon Evan Rachel Wood with upside-down decimal points and percentage signs.
Oh, the delicious pagan headrush of it all! Oh, the deduction-botching pencil of quarterly damnation!
May the roly-poly Devil skim a smidgen of your skittle! May it gnaw at your cuticles in a vicious tug-of-war of digits!
Edited by scrypt - 11/2/10 at 5:48am
I remember when once upon a time Thanksgiving was the kickoff of the Christmas season.
