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This joke is totally awesome. - Page 42

post #616 of 625

Study: 80% Of Waking Hours Spent Plotting Revenge

NEWS • Trends • Lifestyle • ISSUE 49•25 • Jun 20, 2013

This man, like all people do throughout the vast majority of their day, is contemplating taking his revenge on those who have wronged him.


WASHINGTON—According to a new study published Tuesday in The Journal Of American Psychology, a large majority of the U.S. populace devotes nearly all of their conscious lives to plotting revenge against those they believe have wronged them.

Conducted over a three-year period by observing individuals who have been aggrieved or taken advantage of in a wide range of ways—from being the victim of a breakup to having a DVD borrowed for much longer than initially anticipated—the study confirmed that, on average, one spends 14 hours per day trying to figure out how to “take sweet revenge” on countless friends, family members, celebrities, public figures, and utter strangers.

The researchers confirmed that the vast majority of people devise revenge plans while mentally referring to others as “rat bastards” who “should never have crossed [them].”


“Our data indicate that individuals devote most of their waking days to sitting silently with a demented expression on their faces and going through a laundry list of people who have hurt them and must be held accountable for their transgressions,” said lead researcher Dr. Carl Burke, adding that individuals will then typically go online and try to determine where their revenge victims work, what route they take home, and how many family members they have. “In fact, in a given hour, the typical person is plotting revenge against approximately 56 different people, all of whom, according to those planning their demise, will get exactly what’s coming to them.”


“In all cases, one will angrily whisper, ‘I will have my vengeance,’ at some point during the planning,” she added.

According to the study, even in moments where individuals appear to be focused on something else, such as eating or watching television, the vast majority of their thoughts remain focused on getting back at an ex-spouse, making a subway employee pay dearly for making them late to work, taking down an entire Fortune 500 company from the inside, or getting Indiana Pacers head coach Frank Vogel fired for pulling Roy Hibbert in the fourth quarter of Game 1 against the Miami Heat.

Almost all individuals, the report noted, believe the actions they take in the pursuit of revenge are entirely rational, viewing themselves as agents of justice.


“I think what struck us is how elaborate some of the revenge plots actually are,” said Dr. Burke, adding that many individuals want to settle the score by orchestrating a complex scenario in which their adversary is not only humiliated, but is then laughed at by over 100 people including that person’s parents. “Many have fully formed plans to get into excellent physical shape, attend a class reunion—sometimes three or four years away—and make sure to rub their improved appearances in the faces of a very specific list of former classmates whom the individual researched and found out were no longer in good physical condition.”

“Other plans were more simple and just involved kicking someone or slitting a coworker’s throat at their desk,” he added.


According to the report, revenge is so prevalent that the first three thoughts that go through the human mind upon meeting another person are “Who is this person?” “How will he or she wrong me?” and “How will I get revenge?”

However, while revenge schemes number in the hundreds of billions and are often more intricate and better thought-out than one’s financial and professional future, researchers confirmed that the number of revenge plots actually carried out remains zero.


“One hundred percent of people end up sitting and brooding to themselves,” said University of Kansas sociologist Dr. Edwin Botnik. “They sit and seethe and think about how they have been wronged. And they realize that people, especially that motherf@ker Dr. Carl Burke—if you can even f@king call him a doctor—somehow became the lead author on a study even though he knows damn well I did most of the work.”

post #617 of 625

If I was a DJ, I'd be named DJ Enzyme, because I'm always breaking it down.


I wish I was DNA helicase so I could unzip your genes.

post #618 of 625

Why was Santa's little helper feeling depressed? He had low elf-esteem.

What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on it? Nothing. It just let out a little wine.

What do you call a camel with no hump? Humphrey.

Why is Cinderella no good at sports?  Because her coach is a pumpkin, and she is always running away from the ball!

There are two cows in a paddock. One says to the other "Moooooooo". The other says, "Oh, I was going to say that!". 

What do you call a chicken crossing the road? Poultry in motion.

Why do baby ducks walk softly? Cause they can’t walk hardly.

Where do you find a dog with no legs? Where you left it!

Why do tiny teddies not where mini skirts? Cause they have crummy legs.

Why does Tarzan yell? Because it hurts when he beats his chest.

Why did the scarecrow receive an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.

Why didn’t the skeleton go to the party? He had no body to go with.

Why are ant eaters so healthy?  Cause they are full of anty-bodies.

What do you call a sheep with no legs? A cloud.

What do you call a 3 legged donkey? A wonky!! What do you call a 3 legged donkey with one eye? A winky wonky donkey!

Knock Knock, Who’s there? Arch. Arch who? Bless you!

Why was the 9 scared of 7? Because 7,8,9.

What do you call a woman with a pocket full of fish? Annette.

A piglet got sunburnt, he said "I'm bacon"! "You'll need oinkment on that" said his dad, who was an old boar.

What did the chicken say to the duck when the duck was about to cross the road? 'Don't do it! They will never let you forget it!'

What has the bottom at the top? Your legs!

Why did the scientist put a knocker on his front door? Cos he wanted to win the no-bell prize!

Why did the girl put lipstick on her forehead? Cos she was trying to make up her mind!

What did the earwig say when it fell out of the tree? Ear we-go!

How much does it cost for a pirate to get his ears pierced? About a Buccaneer.

What's old, grey and still hiding in the cupboard? A hide and seek champion! 

How do frogs manage to lay so many eggs ? They sit eggsaminations!
Why did the Rockmelon jump into the river? He wanted to become a Watermelon!
Why don't tigers eat clowns? Because they taste funny!
What would we have if everyone in Australia drove a pink car? We'd have a pink car-nation!

Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they have honey combs!

Edited by wink - 6/26/13 at 7:19am
post #619 of 625
post #620 of 625

Idiotical Originals, Society & Culture, Starbucks, Coffee, Latte, Price, Increase, Expensive, Unicorn as Second Shooter Conspiracy Theories MAD Magazine Starbucks Raises Prices Changes Cup The Idiotical

post #621 of 625

I saw a "Staff Only" sign on a door and it really pissed me off. The one day I was carrying a sword.
- Nhan Du aka SpiderNhan

post #622 of 625

Two Irishmen walk out of a Bar.........................it could happen you know.

post #623 of 625

post #624 of 625

I hate it when I find a Rock in my shoe.

post #625 of 625
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