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This joke is totally awesome. - Page 40

post #586 of 625

Fresh accident March 2013

 

post #587 of 625

*

oh the possibilities.

post #588 of 625

The small outback town where I lived had one pub, one bakery, and one prostitute. It was tough growing up with mom working three jobs.

post #589 of 625

Hilarious french ad :

 

post #590 of 625

How do you tell if the stage is level?
The drummer is drooling from both sides of his mouth.

 

How can you tell a drummer's at the door?
The knocking speeds up.

 

What's the last thing a drummer says in a band?
"Hey, how about we try one of my songs?"

 

An Indian chief and a cavalry captain climb to the top of a tall hill and look out upon the entire Indian tribe.

The captain says worriedly, "I don't like the sound of those drums."

The chief says, "I know. It's not our regular drummer."

 

What do you call a drummer that breaks up with his girlfriend?
Homeless.

 

What do Ginger Baker and black coffee have in common?
They both suck without Cream.

 

How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five: One to screw the bulb in, and four to talk about how much better Neil Peart could've done it.

 

How do you get a drummer off of your porch?
Pay him 10 bucks for the pizza.

 

What do you call a drummer with half a brain?
Gifted.

 

What do you say to a drummer in a three-piece suit?
"Will the defendant please rise?"

 

"Hey buddy, how late does the band play?"
"Oh, about half a beat behind the drummer."

 

Hey, did you hear about the drummer who finished high school?
Me neither.

 

Why do guitarists put drumsticks on the dash of their car?
So they can park in the handicapped spot.

 

How is a drum solo like a sneeze?
You know it's coming, but there's nothing you can do about it.

 

What's the first thing a drummer says when he moves to LA?
"Would you like fries with that, sir?

 

What is the difference between a drummer and a savings bond?
One will mature and make money.

 

What do you do if you accidentally run over a drummer?
Back up.

 

What did the drummer say to the band leader?
"Do you want me to play too fast or too slow?"

 

Deep in the African jungle, a safari was camped for the night. In the darkness, distant drums began a relentless throbbing that continued until dawn.

The safari members were disturbed, but the guide reassured them: "Drums good. When drums stop, very bad."

Every night the drumming continued, and every night the guide reiterated, "Drums good. When drums stop, VERY bad."

This continues for several days until one morning the drumming suddenly stops and all the natives panic and run screaming.

The man asks the guide what's the matter? The guide looking very frightened says: "When drums stop, VERY, VERY bad," he said.

"Why is it bad?" asked a member of the safari.

"Because when drums stop, bass solo begin!"

post #591 of 625

 


Edited by wink - 4/11/13 at 9:32am
post #592 of 625

I used to think the Ice Cream truck only played music when it was out of ice cream.

 

Thanks, Dad.

post #593 of 625

FIXED..!!!

post #594 of 625

in before closure... hehe

 

 

 

 

confused.gif

post #595 of 625

What's the difference between a terrorist and a mother-in-law?

 

You can negotiate with a terrorist.

post #596 of 625

Yo mamma so fat I took a picture of her last Christmas and its still printing

 

Yo mamma so fat not even Dora can explore her

 

Yo mama so fat she's got more Chins than a Hong Kong phone book.

 

Yo mama so fat she wore a yellow raincoat and people yelled Taxi!

 

Yo mama so fat you have to grease the door frame and hold a twinkie on the other side just to get her through.

 

Yo mama so fat Mount Everest tried to climb her

 

Yo mama so fat she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller.

 

Yo mama so fat when she wears one of those X jackets, helicopters try to land on her.

post #597 of 625


"The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side." - Hunter S Thompson

Q: What's the definition of a gentleman?
A: One who knows how to play the saxophone, but doesn't.

Q: What's the difference between a 14" pizza and a musician?
A: A 14" pizza can feed a family of four.

Q: What's the difference between a saxophone and a lawnmower?
A: You can tune a lawnmower and the owner's neighbors don't mind if you don't return the sax when you borrow it.

Q: How many sopranos does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three: one to change the bulb, one to kick the ladder out from under her, and one to say, "I knew it was too high for you, dear."

Q: What's the difference between a soprano and a rottweiler ?
A: Lipstick.

Q: How do lute players spend their time?
A: They spend 80% of their time tuning and 20% if their time playing out of tune.

Q: What do lead trumpet players use for birth control?
A: Their personality.

Q: What is the definition of perfect pitch?
A: When you get the viola into the toilet without hitting the sides.

Q: What is the difference between a violist and a terrorist?
A: Terrorists have sympathizers.

Q: How do you get a viola section to play spiccato?
A: Write a whole note with "solo" above it.

Q: What is the difference between a dressmaker and an alto?
A: The dressmaker tucks up the frills.

Q: How can you tell if a violin is out of tune?
A: The bow is moving.

Q: How are a bagpipe player and blind javelin thrower alike?
A: Neither has to be very good to get everybody's attention...

Q: Where is a good place to practice the bagpipes?
A: Antarctica

What's the difference between a rock guitarist and a classical guitarist?

A rock guitarist plays three chords for a thousand people, and a classical guitarist . . .

A few definitions:

Crescendo: A reminder to the performer that he has been playing too loudly.
Discord: Not to be confused with Datcord.
Espressivo: Close eyes and play with a wide vibrato.
Glissando: The musical equivalent of slipping on a banana peel. Also, a technique adopted by string players for difficult runs.
Lamentoso: With handkerchiefs.
Mean-Tone Temperament: One's state of mind when everybody's trying to tune at the same time.
Organum: You may not participate in the Lai without one.
Stops: Something Bach did not have on his organ.

I'll be Bach. - Johann Sebastian Schwarzenegger

Q: How do you get 5 oboes in tune?
A: Shoot 4 of them.

 

Q: What are burning oboes used for?
A: To set bassoons on fire.

Q: What happens if you sing country music backwards?
A: You get your job and your wife back.

What do you say to the banjo player in the three piece suit?
Will the defendant please rise.

What's the definition of a minor second?
Two flutes playing a unison

Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and instead of bleeding, he sings.

Q: What is the difference between a clarinet and an onion?
A: People cry when you chop an onion into pieces.

Q: What is the difference between an accordion and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes before jumping on the trampoline.

Q: What do you call someone who hangs around a bunch of musicians?
A: A drummer.

Q: There's a five dollar note on the floor. Which of a thrash guitarist, a drummer who keeps good time and a drummer who keeps bad time picks it up?
A: The drummer who keeps bad time: the other drummer doesn't exist and the thrash guitarist doesn't care about notes anyway.

What did the drummer get on his I.Q. test?
Saliva.

If thine enemy wrong thee, buy each of his children a drum.

A guy walks into a shop.
"You got one of them Marshall Hiwatt AC30 amplificatior thingies and a Gibson StratoBlaster geetar with a Fried Rose tremulo?"
"You're a drummer, aren't you?"
"Yeah. How'd you know?"
"This is a travel agency."

Q: What do you call a drummer with no girlfriend?
A: Homeless.

Q: How do you know when a drummer is at your door?
A: The knocking speeds up.

Q: How do you tell when a singer is at your door?
A: He can't find the key and doesn't know when to come in.

What's the inscription on dead blues-singers tombstones?
"I didn't wake up this morning..."

What do a vacuum cleaner and an electric guitar have in common?
When you plug them in, they suck.

Q. What does it mean when the guitar player is drooling out of both sides of his mouth?
A. The stage is level.

Q: How do you make a guitarist play quieter?
A: Put a sheet of music in front of him.

 

Q: How do you make him stop?
A: Put notes on it!

Q: How many guitarists does it take to read a page of sheet music?
A: When you find one who can, ask.

Q: What do you call a guitarist's voice mail?
A: Mommy.

Q- What do you do when a guitar player comes to your door?
A- Pay him for the pizza and shut the door quickly

Q- How many producers does it take to change a light bulb?
A- What do you think?

How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but the guitarist had to show him how first.

SON: Dad, when I grow up I want to be a musician.
DAD: Well you know son, you can't do both.

Q: What's the difference between a frog driving down the road in a car and a trombone player driving down the road in a car?
A: The frog might be driving to a gig.

Q: What's the difference between a violinist and a dog?
A: A dog knows when to stop scratching.

Q: How do you make a chain saw sound like a baritone sax?
A: Add vibrato.

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor.

A note left for a pianist from his wife:
Gone Chopin, (have Liszt), Bach in a Minuet.

Someone requested Victor Borge that he play something by Bach, to which Victor replied, "Which one, Johann Sebastian or Offen?"

The gig was just about ready to start when the band leader called the female singer over and said:
"Listen, tonight we're going to begin the set with 'April in Paris', but I want to do it a little differently.

We'll start in the key of G for the first four bars, then modulate to B-flat for the next eight bars, change the meter to 3/4 for six bars, then pick up the tempo to Allegro for twelve bars, then modulate to F-sharp for eight bars, change the meter back to 4/4 and slow down to Rubato for four bars, play a tacet for four bars, modulate up to D-flat for eight bars..."

"HEY, HOLD ON!" the girl said. "I can't do stuff like that without rehearsal!"

He said, "Why not? You've been doing it all week long!"


A "C," an "E-flat," and a "G" go into a bar.
The bartender says: "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So, the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and the G is out flat.
An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. A D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me. I'll just be a second."
An A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims: "Get out now! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."
The E-flat, not easily deflated, comes back to the bar in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender (who used to have a nice corporate job until his company downsized) says: "You're looking sharp tonight, come on in!

This could be a major development." This proves to be the case, as the E-flat takes off the suit, and everything else, and stands there au naturel.
Eventually, the C sobers up, and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. The C is brought to trial, is found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility.

On appeal, however, the C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless.
The bartender decides, however, that since he's only had tenor so patrons and everything has become alto much treble, he needs a rest - and closes the bar.


Then there's the one about three guys waiting in line at the pearly gates. St. Peter is asking each applicant what he did on earth.

The first guy says "I'm a doctor." St. Peter says "You're in." The next guy says "I'm a stockbroker." St. Peter says "This way, please."

The third guy says "I'm a musician." St. Peter says "You'll have to go around to the back, in at the loading dock, up the freight elevator and through the kitchen..."

So this trumpet player dies. And when he reaches his everlasting reward, the guy in the robe says, "You're going to spend eternity with this combo, okay?

There's a bass player named 'Mingus' and a pianist named 'Monk', and any day now we expect this 'Blakey' guy to show up with his drums.

"Wow!" the guy says, "I never imagined heaven would be this good." So the guy in the robe says, "This is hell, not heaven. There's a girl singer."

A man dies and goes to Heaven. They are having a test this week so St. Peter asks "How much money did you make?"
"About $150,000 a year." was the reply
What did you do?
Corporate Lawer
Okay go right on in.
Next fellow shows up.
How much did you make?
'About $300,000 a year.'
What did you do?
Stock brocker.
Okay go right on in.
Next fellow shows up.
How much did you make?
'About $5,000 a year.'
Oh, what instrument did you play?

A musical director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but his performance simply didn't improve.
Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, "When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer."
A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: "And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."

What do you call a guy with no arms or legs who can play 5 musical instruments?
Stump the band.

A singer was asked to audition for a nightclub gig in her local town. She asked a friend/piano player to accompany her for the audition.

After listening to a couple of songs, the club owner asked her if she could sing "When Sonny Gets Blue". He said, "That's my favorite song, and if you can sing it, you're hired!"

Needing the job, she leaned over to the piano player and whispered, "I know the song, but I'm not sure I know it all the way through." The piano player answered back, "It's OK, go ahead and start and I'll prompt you through it."
Reluctantly she began, "When Sonny gets blue..." and went blank. She looked at the pianist for help and he whispered confidently, "B-flat, minor 9th."

Tom Fogerty has died. He wakes up and finds himself on a stage on which a number of instruments are set up. A door offstage opens and in walk Jimi Hendrix, Jim Morrison, Brian Jones, John Lennon, Otis Redding, and Buddy Holly.

Each musician picks up his favorite instrument and begins tuning up. All of the instruments are taken but, to Tom's immense pleasure, the drums.

He walks up to Jimi and says, "Man, so this is what heaven is like." Jimi looks at him and says, "Heaven? You think this is heaven?"

At that moment, Karen Carpenter walks in, takes her seat behind the drums, and calls out, "Okay guys, 'Close to You'. One, two, three, four..."

Two saxophone players happen to arrive on a street corner at the same exact time. Seeing each other's instrument cases, they look up and are startled to realize that they are long-lost friends.
"Richie! It's you!" exclaims one of the musicians.
''Eric!'' says the other. "I can't believe it! I haven't seen you since we were together at the Berklee College of Music!"
"That was ten years ago," says Eric. "Wow! The time passes so quickly! Tell me, Richie, what have you been doing all this time?"
''Well," says Richie, "a few months after I got out of school, I wrote a song that was a big hit record."
''Really?'' says Eric. "That's very hip. I'm surprised that I didn't hear a thing about that."
"Yeah, it was a real groove!-Then," Richie continues, "I got called out to Hollywood to do a film score. I did it, and I wound up winning an Oscar!"
''Far out!" says Eric. ''I can't believe that I didn't hear anything about that."
"Then," Richie goes on, ''I put a band together and we did an album that made it to number one on the jazz charts."
''Gimme five, Richie," says Eric. After they slap skin, Eric says, "It's remarkable that I didn't hear anything about that, either."
Richie says, ''Dig it! And while the album was still hot, the band went on The Tonight Show -nationwide television!

But that night on the show there was a technical problem with the sound, and we couldn't hear each other. It was so bad that we couldn't play right, and we totally bombed."
''You know," says Richie, ''I think I heard about that. "

More recently, John Cage has written pieces for "prepared piano", which may involve attaching nuts, bolts, and other hardware to the strings, and other indignities.

I heard a story (possibly apocryphal) that a horrified janitor once "cleaned up" one of his prepared pianos just before a concert. Cage came out, played one chord, screamed, and left the stage.

Of course, this was indistinguishable from an actual Cage performance, so everyone clapped, and the reviewers wrote gushy praise about the groundbreaking new work.

Two women are walking through the woods when suddenly they hear a voice say, "Ladies! Ladies!" They look around but don't see anyone.

Then they hear it again. "Ladies! Ladies! Down here!" They look down and see a small pond with a frog sitting on a lily pad.
"Is that you?" one of the ladies asks the frog.
"Yes," is the frog's reply.
The two women are in shock. "How can you talk to us?" They ask. "You're a frog."
"I got turned into a frog by a wicked witch," explains the frog. "I'm really a fantastic jazz saxophone player."
"Really?" say the women. "Is that true?"
"Yes," answers the frog, "and all it will take is one kiss from either of you, and I will immediately change back into a fantastic jazz saxophone player."
Right away, one of the women gets down on her knees, reaches across the pond to the lily pad and gently picks up the frog. She stands up and quickly puts the frog in her pocket and starts to walk away.
Her startled friend says, "Hey, wait a minute! Where are you going? He said that if you kiss him, he'll turn into a fantastic jazz saxophone player!"
"What are you, crazy?" says the other woman. "I can make a lot more money with a talking frog than I can with a fantastic jazz saxophone player."

An incident that happened to me some time ago.
I was playing for a band at a wedding one Saturday afternoon. During one of our breaks, the musicians were sitting at the table that had been set aside for the band and photographers, and we spontaneously began to tell jokes.
We happened to get into telling a string of Polish jokes and we were enjoying ourselves immensely until one of the guests, an older man, got up from his table which was situated (unfortunately) right next to ours. He came directly over to me.
"I heard those jokes you were telling," he said angrily, "and I'm Polish. Those jokes were extremely offensive to me.''
I apologized, and tried to explain that the jokes were told only in fun, and that we had no intention of making anyone feel uncomfortable. I also said that we would stop right away, but the man wouldn't let it drop.
He started raising his voice and was beginning to disturb people at the other tables. I tried to calm him down, but he seemed to be losing control of himself.

It was starting to become very embarrassing, but I was totally unprepared for what happened next.
The man pulled a razor on me.
I was shocked, and everyone else at our table just sat there staring in disbelief as this man was going over the edge of sanity.

I was hoping he wouldn't go too far, when he suddenly started to actually threaten me with the razor.
In the end, though, it all turned out all right, because he couldn't find any place to plug it in.

post #598 of 625

So a Physics lecturer begins by saying, "Consider a perfectly elastic, 1-dimensional chicken in a vacuum..."

post #599 of 625

Where do ants go for their holidays?
Frants!

What do you call an ant who skips school?
A truant!

What do you get if you cross some ants with some tics?
All sorts of antics!

What do you call a greedy ant?
An anteater!

Why did the elephant put his trunk across the path?
To trip up the ants!

What is even bigger than an elephant?
A giant!

What do you call an ant in space?
Cosmonants & Astronants!

What do you call an ant from overseas?
Impartant!

What medicine would you give an ill ant?
Antibiotics!

What is smaller than an ant's dinner?
An ant's mouth!

 

What do you call an ant who lives with your great uncle?
Your great-ant!

Who was the most famous ant scientist?
Albert Antstein!

What games to ants play with elephants?
Squash!

What do you call a 100 year old ant?
An antique!

What kind of ant can you colour with?
A crayant!

Who is the most famous French ant?
Napoleant!

Why did the ant-elope?
Nobody gnu!

What is the biggest ant in the world?
An elephant!

Why don't anteaters get sick?
Because they are full of antibodies!

What do you call an ant who likes to be alone?
An independant!

 

Where do ants go to eat?
At a restaurant!

What do you call an ant with five pairs of eyes?
Antteneye!

What do you call an and with frogs legs?
An antphibian!

What kind of ants are very learned?
Pedants!

What do you call a smart ant?
Elegant!

What do you call an ant who can't play the piano?
Discordant!

What kind of ant is good at maths?
An accountant!

How come if ants are always so busy they always get time to show up at picnics?
How many ants are needed to fill an apartment?
Ten ants!

post #600 of 625

Bumper Stickers.

 

My karma ran over your dogma.


I brake for... wait... AAAH! NO BRAKES!!!!!


A fool and his money are a girl's best friend.


I'm not driving fast-just flying low.


Help starve a feeding bureaucrat.


My other vehicle is a Romulan Warbird!


Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.


"I is a college student."


If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.

 

 

I love animals, they taste great.


EARTH FIRST! We'll stripmine the other planets later.


"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."


Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.


The gene pool could use a little chlorine.


Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.


He who laughs last thinks slowest!


Give me ambiguity or give me something else.


A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.


Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

 

 

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.


I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.


Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.


Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.


I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.


Where there's a will, I want to be in it.


Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check?


Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.


All generalizations are false, including this one.


"Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy.


I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got!


We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.


Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.


Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.


What is a "free" gift ? Aren't all gifts free?


Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.


We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?


Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

 

 

If you are psychic - think "HONK"


You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!


Don't get me mad! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies!


You are depriving some poor village of its idiot!


Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.


My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom


Grow your own dope, plant a man.


All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets


Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

 

 

So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute.


Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.


All men are idiots....I married their king.

 

 

Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.


Out of my mind...Back in five minutes.


I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

 

 

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.


Don't drink and drive...You might hit a bump and spill it.

 

 

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?


Be nice to your kids...They will pick out your nursing home.


Always remember you're unique...Just like everyone else.


As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.


Eschew obfuscation.

 

 

Circular Definition: see Definition, Circular.


Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.


Air Pollution is a mist-demeaner.


Editing is a rewording activity.


Make yourself at home .....clean my kitchen


Allow me to introduce my selves


Better living through denial


I'm just working here until a good fast food job opens up....


Chaos. Panic. Disorder. My work here is done


Too many freaks not enough circuses

 

Ambivalent? Well yes and no....


Does your train of thought have a caboose?


Is it time for your medication or mine?


I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted a paycheck


How do I set the laser printer to stun?


I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert....


Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.


Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.


I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.


And your crybaby, whiny opinion would be ... ?

 

Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.


Whisper my favorite words: "I'll buy it for you."


Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.


Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.


Adults are just kids who owe money.


Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?


I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.


You! Off my planet!


-Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.


I majored in liberal arts. Would you like fries with that?

 

 

A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.


A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.


If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.


Help wanted telepath: you know where to apply


I'm just driving this way to get you mad.


Keep honking, I'm reloading.


Hang up and drive.


Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.


Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.


I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.

 

 

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?


Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.


A closed mouth gathers no feet.


A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.


A penny saved is ridiculous.


All that glitters has a high refractive index.


Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.


Anarchy is better than no government at all.


Any small object when dropped will hide under a larger object.


Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.

 

 

Death is Nature's way of saying 'slow down'.


Don't force it, get a larger hammer.


Earn cash in your spare time...blackmail friends.


Fairy tales: horror stories for children to get them used to reality.


Going the speed of light is bad for your age.


Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.


Herblock's Law: If it's good, they will stop making it.


History does not repeat itself, historians merely repeat each other.


It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.


It works better if you plug it in.

 

 

It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.


Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.


Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.


Mediocrity thrives on standardization.


Reality is the only obstacle to happiness.


The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.


Back Up My Hard Drive? How do I Put it in Reverse?


I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.


Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.


Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

 

 

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.


I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.


He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.


She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.


You have the right to remain silent....Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.


I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.


Honk if you love peace and quiet.


Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.


A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.


Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

 

 

On the other hand, you have different fingers.


"I love cats...they taste just like chicken"


"Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot."


"Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician"


"I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather.... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...."


"Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!"


"I souport publik edekasion"


"We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated."


"Auntie Em: Hate you, Hate Kansas, Taking the dog. -Dorothy."

 

 

"All generalizations are false."


"Time is what keeps everything from happening at once."


Seen on an old, beat-up car: "This is not an abandoned vehicle."


"Born Free. . . . .Taxed to Death"


"Cover me. I'm changing lanes."


"The more people I meet, the more I like my dog."


"Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep"


"Work is for people who don't know how to fish"


"Montana --- At least our cows are sane!"


"I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian."

 

 

"Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition."


"It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you."


"If you don't like the news, go out and make some."


"I Brake For No Apparent Reason."


"When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS."


"Sorry, I don't date outside my species."


"I may be fat, but you're ugly - I can lose weight!"


"No Radio - Already Stolen"

 

 

"Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all it's students!"


"According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist."


"Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have."


"How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?"


Seen on a woman's car: "Men call us birds, we pick up worms"


"Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear."


"Give me ambiguity or give me something else."


"Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?"


"I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with sub-atomic particles."

 

 

"Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself."


"I'm out of bed and dressed, What more do you want?"


"Happiness is a belt-fed weapon"


"3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't."


"2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2."


"I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die. "


"MY CHILD was trustee of the month at ELMWOOD!!"


BAD COP! - NO DONUT!!!


Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

 

 

Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!


Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?


I intend to live forever - so far, so good.


Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?


What happens if you get scared half to death twice?


I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

 

 

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.


Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!

 

 

Gravity- It's not just a good idea, it's the LAW!


Why be difficult, when with a bit of effort, you can be impossible?


Life is too complicated in the morning.


All I want is less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done.


The Schizophrenic: An Unauthorized Autobiography


Nobody's perfect. I'm a Nobody.


My wife said "If you go hunting or fishing one more time I'm going to leave you" ...I'm sure going to miss her.


Ask me about my vow of silence.


Today's subliminal message is: ( )

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