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This joke is totally awesome. - Page 38

post #556 of 625

thumbs work joke 06 Really Funny Work Jokes

post #557 of 625

So, a D, an F, and an A walk into a bar, to be promptly forced out.

 
 
 The bartender noted , "We don't serve minors."
post #558 of 625

Stopped at a local pub while traveling through central Tasmania. Place was pretty rough, mostly loggers and other hard-working blokes. Felt rather out of place but took a seat at the bar and ordered a beer. 

 

A big bloke who had been sitting in a corner with a bunch of his rather rough mates came up to me. He sez: "You're not from around here are you?". I said nope.

 

He sez: "What do you do?"   "I'm a taxidermist".  He sez: "A taxidermy?, what's that?" 

 

I tell him "I mount dead animals".

 

Then he turns to his mates and sez: "He's ok mates, he's one of us".
 


Edited by Omphalopsychite - 3/6/13 at 11:29pm
post #559 of 625
  • Can a cat play patty-cake? Pawsibly!
  • Can anything be smarter than a cat that can count? Yes, a spelling bee!
  • Did you hear about the cat who drank 5 bowls of water? He set a new lap record.
  • Did you hear about the cat who swallowed a ball of wool? She had mittens.
  • How did a cat take first prize at the bird show? He just jumped up to the cage, reached in, and took it.
  • How do cats eat spaghetti? The same as everyone else - they put it in their mouths!
  • How do cats end a fight? They hiss and make up.
  • How do you know if your cat has eaten a duckling? She's got that down in the mouth look!
  • How do you know that cats are sensitive creatures? They never cry over spilt milk!
  • How do you know when your cat has been using your computer? When your mouse has teeth marks on it!
  • How do you spell cat backwards? C-A-T-B-A-C-K-W-A-R-D-S!
  • How do you spell mousetrap in just three letters? C-A-T!
  • How do you stop a ten-pound parrot from talking too much? Buy a twenty-pound cat!
  • How does a cat count? One, mew, three!
  • How does a cat sing scales? Do-ri-me-ow!
  • How does the cat get its own way? With friendly purrsuasion.
  • How is a cat laying down like a coin? Because he has his head on one side and his tail on the other!
  • How is cat food sold? Usually purr can!
  • How many cats can you put into an empty box? Only one. After that, the box isn't empty.
  • If a cat can jump five feet high, then why can't it jump through a three foot window? Because the window is closed.
  • If a cat is a flabby tabby, then what is a very small cat? An itty bitty kitty.
  • If lights run on electricity and cars run on gas, what do cats run on? Their paws.
  • If there are ten cats on a boat and one jumps off, how many cats are left on the boat? None! They were copy cats.
  • In what kind of weather is a vet the busiest? When it's raining cats and dogs!
  • In which month do cats meow the least? February - it's the shortest month.
  • Is it bad luck if a black cat follows you? That depends on whether you're a man or a mouse.
  • On what should you mount a statue of your cat? A caterpillar!
  • What cat purrs more than any other? Purrsians!
  • What did one cat say to another? Have you heard the mews today!
  • What did the cat do when he swallowed some cheese? He waited by the mouse hole with baited breath!
  • What did the cat say when he lost all his money? I'm paw!
  • What did the freshman computer science major say when he was told that the work stations had mice? Don't you have a cat?
  • What did the mouse say when the cat bit his tail? That's the end of me!
  • What do baby cats wear? Dia-purrs!
  • What do cat actors say on stage? Tabby or not tabby!
  • What do cats like best on a hot day? Mice cream!
  • What do cats like to eat for breakfast? Mice Krispies.
  • What do cats read in the morning? Mewspapers!
  • What do cats use to make coffee? A purrcolator.
  • What do you call a cat that has just eaten a whole duck? A duck filled fatty puss!
  • What do you call a cat that lives in an igloo? An eskimew.
  • What do you call a cat that sucks on lemons? A sour puss!
  • What do you call a cat wearing shoes? Puss in boots!
  • What do you call a loving cat bite? Cat nip!
  • What do you call kittens who keep getting passed from owner to owner? Chain litter.
  • What do you call the cat that was caught by the police? The purrpatrator.
  • What do you do with a blue Burmese? Try and cheer it up a bit!
  • What do you get if cross a cat with a canary? Shredded tweet!
  • What do you get if cross a Tomcat with a Pekingese? A Peking Tom!
  • What do you get if you cross a cat and a gorilla? An animal that puts you out a night!
  • What do you get if you cross a cat with a bottle of vinegar? A sourpuss!
  • What do you get if you cross a cat with a canary? A peeping tom!
  • What do you get if you cross a cat with a parrot? A carrot!
  • What do you get if you cross a cat with a tree? A cat-a-log!
  • What do you get if you cross a cat with Father Christmas? Santa Claws!
  • What do you get when you cross a chick with an alley cat? A peeping tom.
  • What do you get when you cross an elephant with a cat? A big furry creature that purrs while it sits on your lap and squashes you.
  • What do you say to your cat when you go out? Have a mice day!
  • What do you use to comb a cat? A catacomb.
  • What does a cat call a bowl of mice? A purrfect meal!
  • What does a cat call a bowlful of mice? A purrr-fect meal!
  • What does a cat do when it gets mad? It has a hissy fit.
  • What does a cat like to eat on a hot day? A mice cream cone.
  • What does a cat that lives near the beach have in common with Christmas? Sandy Claws.
  • What does a sour puss eat? Crab meat!
  • What drinks milk, meows, and has eight legs? An octo-puss!
  • What grade did the cat get on his test? He got a Purrrr-fect score!
  • What happened when the cat ate a ball of wool? She had mittens!
  • What happened when the cat went to the flea circus? He stole the whole show!
  • What happens when two cats want the same dish of food? They get into a phsssssst fight!
  • What has more lives than a cat? A frog - it croaks all the time!
  • What is a cat's favorite car? The Catillac.
  • What is a cat's favorite color? Purrrrrrrple!
  • What is a cat's favorite movie? "The Sound of Mewsic."
  • What is a cat's favorite party game? Mews-ical chairs!
  • What is a cat's favorite song? Three Blind Mice
  • What is a cat's favorite subject in school? HISStory.
  • What is a cat's way of keeping law & order? Claw Enforcement.
  • What is a favorite cat tale? The Tortoiseshell and the Hair!
  • What is a French cat's favorite pudding? Chocolate mouse!
  • What is another name for a cat's home? A scratch pad.
  • What is another way to describe a cat? A heat seeking missile!
  • What is the best award a cat can earn? The Purr-litzer prize.
  • What is the cat's favorite magazine? Good Mousekeeping.
  • What is the cat's favorite TV show? The evening mews!
  • What is the difference between a cat and a comma? One has the paws before the claws and the other has the clause before the pause.
  • What is the name of the unauthorized autobiography of the cat? Hiss and Tell.
  • What is white, sugary, has whiskers and floats on the sea? A catameringue!
  • What kind of cat should you take into the desert? A first aid kitty!
  • What kind of cat will keep your grass short? A lawn meower.
  • What kind of cats purrs the best? Purrrrr-sians!
  • What looks like half a cat? The other half!
  • What newspapers do cats read? The Daily Mews!
  • What side of the cat has the most fur? The OUT-side.
  • What sport do cats play? Hairball!
  • What time is it when 12 cats chase a mouse? 12 after 1!
  • What works in a circus, walks a tightrope and has claws? An acrocat!
  • What would you call a cat that likes to dig on the beach? Sandy Claws.
  • What's a cat's favorite dessert? Chocolate mouse!
  • What's happening when you hear "woof... splat... meow... splat?" It's raining cats and dogs.
  • What's the unluckiest kind of cat to have? A catastrophe!
  • What's worse than raining cats and dogs? Hailing taxi cabs!
  • When the cat's away....? The house smells better!
  • Where does a cat go when it loses its tail? The retail store.
  • Where is one place that your cat can sit, but you can't? Your lap.
  • Which is the cats' all-time favorite song? "Three Blind Mice."
  • Which side of a cat has more hair? The outside, of course!
  • Who helped Cinderella's cat go to the ball? Her furry godmother!
  • Who was the most powerful cat in China? Chairman Miaow!
  • Why are cats longer in the evening than they are in the morning? Because they're let out in the evening and taken in in the morning!
  • Why are cats better than babies? Because you only have to change a litter box once a day.
  • Why are cats such good singers? Because they're very mewsical.
  • Why did a person with an unspayed female cat have to go to court? For kitty littering.
  • Why did the cat cross the road? It was the chicken's day off!
  • Why did the cat frown when she passed the hen house? Because she heard fowl language!
  • Why did the cat join the Red Cross? Because she wanted to be a first-aid kit!
  • Why did the cat put oil on the mouse? Because it squeaked.
  • Why did the cat put the letter "M" into the fridge? Because it turns "ice" into "mice"!
  • Why did the cat run from the tree? Because it was afraid of the bark!
  • Why did the cat sleep under the car? Because she wanted to wake up oily!
  • Why did the judge dismiss the entire jury made up of cats? Because each of them was guilty of purrjury.
  • Why did the litter of communist kittens become capitalists? Because they finally opened their eyes.
  • Why do cats chase birds? For a lark!
  • Why do people love cats? Because they are purrrrr-fect!
  • Why do tomcats fight? Because they like raising a stink!
  • Why do you always find the cat in the last place you look? Because you stop looking after you find it.
  • Why happened when the cat swallowed a coin? There was some money in the kitty!
  • Why is the cat so grouchy? Because he's in a bad mewd.
  • Why was the cat so small? Because it only drank condensed milk!
post #560 of 625
The Cat and The Husband
 
A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he arrived home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further, but the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?"

"I'm lost," says the man, "and I need the cat to give me directions home."
 
post #561 of 625
  • Cat Scan: to look for a new cat.
  • Cataclysm: any great upheaval in a cat's life.
  • Catatonic: a feline medicinal drink.
  • Caterpillar: a soft scratching post for a cat.
  • Dog: a cat's device for running practice.
  • Door: something a cat always wants to be on the other side of.
  • Energy: the element of vitality cats always have an oversupply of until you try to play with them.
  • Human: an automatic door opener for cats.
  • Impurrsonate: to act like the cat.
  • Purrade: an organized march of cats.
  • Purradise: the garden of Cats.
  • Purramour: a cat lover.
  • Purranoia: the fear that your cat is up to something.
  • Purraphernalia: a cat's personal belongings.
  • Purrch: any favored feline napping spot.
  • Purrchase: anything bought for a cat.
  • Purrfume: the scent of an open can of tuna.
  • Purrgatory: a houseful of kittens.
  • Purrmission: a feline hunting expedition.
  • Purrpetual: everlasting feline love.
  • Purrplex: a house with two or more cats.
  • Purrson: a male kitten.
  • Purrsuit: the garment your shedding cat rubs against just as you are leaving home to go to an important meeting.
  • Purrverse: a poem about a wicked kitty.
  • Tooraloorailurophobia: an irrational fear of Irish cats.
  • Tuner: sonar-like device in cat food that causes cats to appear.
  • Yawn: a cat's honest opinion openly expressed.
post #562 of 625

A motorcycle cop is hiding behind a billboard, watching traffic on the freeway.  This blonde in a convertible goes by at 30MPH over the speed limit, and she's knitting!

 

The cop roars out and comes up behind her with lights flashing and siren blazing. The blonde is totally oblivious, completely enthralled with her knitting.

 

Finally the cop pulls up next to her and shouts: "PULL OVER"

 

The blonde looks up and replies: "No, scarf".

post #563 of 625

Q. Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman?
A. Cause you have to hollow out it's head!

     A blonde walked into a doctor's office with two burnt ears. The doctor asked her, "What happened to your ear?"

The blonde replied, "I was ironing and the phone rang, so instead of picking up the phone, I picked up the iron and put it to my ear.
Still not satisfied, the doctor asked, "Well, what happened to the other ear?"
"The sucker called again!"

Q. Why was the blonde in the tree?
A. Because she was raking up the leaves!

     A blonde comes home from a day of shopping and discovers that her house is on fire, so she calls the fire department on her cell phone.
"Please state the nature of your emergency," says the operator.
"Help! My house is on fire!" the blonde replies.
"Okay, where do you live?"
"In a house you silly billy!" the blonde replies.
"No,no! How do we get there?" the operator asks fustratedly.
"Duh! Big Red Truck!!"

     One day 2 blondes decided to drive to Disney Land. When they saw a sign that said 'Disney Land left' they turned around and went home.

     A blonde goes into a Best Buy. She asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner. The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.
The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing and again the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.
Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.

Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.

To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes. The blonde asks the clerk, "How do you know I am a blonde?"
The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV - it's a microwave."

A. Why do blondes always smile during lightning storms?
Q. They think their picture is being taken.

     A man was trimming his bushes. His neighbor (the blonde) walks out, checks her mail only to see that it's empty, and goes back inside.
Five minutes later, she comes back out, checks her mail again only to see that it's still empty, and goes back in.
The third time she comes out, the man asks her, "Excuse me, is there a problem?"
The blonde replies, "Darn right there's a problem! My computer keeps on telling me 'I've got mail'!"

A. Why can't Blondes dial 911?
Q. They can't find the 11 on the phone!

     A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun.

Then one day she comes home and finds her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head.

The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"

      Did you hear about the two Blondes that were found frozen to death in their car at the drive-in movie theater?
They went to see "Closed for Winter".

     Once there was a blonde who was going to take flying lessons, so she went to the airport to rent a plane.

The manager told her there were no planes left so she would have to use a helicopter. So the blonde got in the helicopter and took off.

Every 10 miles she checked in with the manager; after the first 10 miles, she said it was a blast.

When she reached 20 she told him that she had never seen so many buttons.

But when she reached 30 miles she didn't check in so the manager went to rescue her.

When he found her he asked her how she crashed.

The blonde replied, "It was getting cold so I turned off the big fan."

Q. What is eternity?
A. When 4 blondes meet at a 4-way-stop-sign-intersection!

     One day, a blonde went to a ventriloquist show. During the show, the ventriloquist used his "dummy" to make fun of blondes.

The crowd roared with laughter, but the blonde was angry.
Outraged, she stood up and said, "How dare you make fun of blondes!"
The ventriloquist replied saying, "Madam, I'm very sorry. But it's just part of the act."
The blonde screamed, "You shutup! I'm talking to the little man on your knee!"

Q. What does a blonde see when she looks into a box of cheerios?
A. Donut seeds.

     A blonde and a brunette decide to start a farm together. They add up their life savings into a total of $200.00.
Then, the blonde decided to purchase a bull with it. The brunette agrees, and so the brunette leaves to go find the perfect bull.

When she does she is to telegram the blonde and tell her to come get it.
Finally, the brunette finds the bull of her dreams. The farmer says he wants $200 for it.

The brunette, thinking she can get a better deal, says no to his offer.
The farmer says, "Alright then, I'll give you a great deal, how about $199.00?"
The brunette accepts and buys the bull. She has $1.00 left for the telegram.

The telegram guy says, "It's $1.00 per word." The brunette thinks about this and says,"Comfortable, write that."
"Comfortable?" the guy questions.
"Yes, you see she reads slow."

Q. What is the fastest way to get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
A. Wave at her.

     A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
 The blonde said "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage.

The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"

The man replied, "She should, she was standing on it."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked.

"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

     A blonde was going on a plane trip to New York.

When the attendant came by and asked for her ticket, she told the blonde,"I'm sorry. Your ticket isn't for first class.

Could you please move to your seat." The blonde replied,"Im blonde, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to New York."

The attendant said,"That's fine miss, but you'll have to go to your seat."

The blonde responded again, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to New York."
This conversation continued, always with the blonde's same response.

The attendant got so upset that she went to the captain and told him about the blonde.

The captain went and whispered something in the blonde's ear and the blonde immeadiately got up and went to her seat in coach.
The attendant asked the captain how he got the stubborn blonde to move.

He said, "I just told her that this part of the plane wasn't going to New York."

     After leaving a store, a blonde walked out and went up to a soda machine.

The blonde put in 50 cents and out popped a coke. She searched her bag for more money.

She found some and kept feeding the machine money. Cokes and Sprite and Mountain Dew bottles began rolling down the street.
A young man walked up behind her and watched this for a few minutes. Then he asked, "Can I get one now?"
She whizzed around and yelled, "No way, can't you see I'm winning?"

     A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are standing in front of the Mirror of Truth.

It sucks up and kills anyone who tells a lie in front of it.

So the brunette says, "I'm the smartest person in the world." She gets sucked up and dies.

The redhead says,"I've got the most curly hair," and she gets sucked up and dies also.

The blonde says,"I think....." and she gets sucked up and dies.

     A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts open and in come four exuberant blondes.

They come up to the bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at a large table.

The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows... "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

Two more blondes show up and soon their voices are joined in "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm.

She walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts.

Up jump the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table.

There in the center is a beautifully framed child's puzzle of the Cookie Monster.
When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the blondes, "What's all the chanting and celebration about?"

The blonde who brought in the picture pipes in, "Everyone thinks that blondes are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight.
Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together....the side of the box said 2-4 years, but we put it together in 51 days!"

     Two bowling teams, one of all blondes and one of all brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlantic City.

The brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus and the blonde team rides on the top level.
The brunette team down below is whooping it up having a great time, when one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the blondes upstairs.

So she decides to go up and investigate.
 When the brunette reaches the top, she finds all the blondes frozen in fear, staring straight ahead at the road and clutching the seats in front of them.

They all have white knuckles.
The brunette asks, "What the heck's goin' on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!"
One of the blondes looks up and says to her, "Yeah, but you've got a driver!"

     A red head walks into a salon and the hair stylist says "Your hair is gorgeous" and the redhead runs her hand through her hair and says "It's natural".
Then a brunette walks in and the stylist says "I love you hair" and the brunette runs her hand through her hair and says "it's natural".
Then a blonde with green streaks walks in and the stylist says "That's different..."

The blonde sneezes, wipes it on her hand and runs her hand through her hair and says, "It's natural!"


     Once a blonde decided to go ice fishing. She grabbed all her equipment and put on her fishing outfit..

She walked out onto the icy surface and found a good spot. She took a knife and made a large circle in the ice with it.
"NO! Not there! You will find no fish!" a booming voice announced out of nowhere. So the blonde moved a few feet away and made another circle.      

"NO!! Not there either!!" The voice boomed again. The blonde moved a third time, making another circle on the ice.
"I said, NO!! There is no fish there!!" The voice boomed again.
"Is that you, God?" The blonde called out.
"NO!!" The voice boomed. "It's the manager of the ice rink!!"

Q. If a blonde and a brunette were falling off a building, who would hit the     ground first?
A. The brunette because the blonde would stop for directions.

Q. How do you get a blonde to laugh at a joke on Saturday?
A. Tell it to her on Tuesday.

     A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde had just robbed a bank and they were trying to escape from the cops.

They ran down an alley and saw three huge potato sacks. They hopped inside just in time, and the cops didn't see them.

Puzzled, the cops looked at the bags suspiciously. One cop kicked the brunette's bag, she meowed, and the cop thought nothing of it.

He then kicked the redhead's bag, she made a clanking noise with her shoes, and the cop thought it was just some garbage.

Then he moved on to the blonde's bag. He kicked it and she said "Potatoes!"

Q. What is a brunette between two blondes?
A. An interpreter.

     A brunette, a redhead and a blonde walk down a beach when suddenly the brunette discovers a magic lamp.

The brunette rubs the lamp and POOF! a magic genie appears.

The genie tells the girls that he will grant them three wishes, so each girl will have a turn.

The redhead goes first and tells the genie that she's always been really smart and she is sick of being teased, so she asks the genie to make her just semi-smart.

Suddenly the redhead is turned into a brunette.
Next, the brunette takes her turn. She tells the genie that she has always just been sort of smart and she wants to be really smart.

Suddenly the brunette becomes a redhead.
Finally, it's the blonde's turn. She thinks for a minute and then tells the genie that she's always been dumb and she's tired of being dumb.

The blonde says that she wants to be really dumb. Suddenly, the blonde becomes a politician!

Q. Why did the blonde write "TGIF" on her shoes?
A. To remind her that "toes go in first."

Q. What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you?
A. Run like hell - she's got a grenade in her mouth!

One day a blonde, red-head, and a brunette were driving through the desert when all of a sudden their car broke down.

They decided they would all walk to civilization.

The red-head said, "I'm going to take water so if I get thirsty I can drink it."

Then the brunette said, "I'm going to take some food so if I get hungry I can eat."

And then the blonde said "I'm going to take the car door, so if I get hot, I can roll the window down!"


     One day there was a blonde riding a horse.

The horse kept going faster and faster until the blonde fell off, with her foot getting stuck in the stirrup.

Hearing her screams for help, finally a Wal-Mart clerk came over and turned off the merry-go-round.


     A blonde walks into a hair salon to get her hair cut wearing headphones.

The stylist asks her to take off her headphones but the blonde refuses.

So the stylist takes them off and the blonde collapses to the ground and dies.

The stylist picks up the headphones and hears, "Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out..."


     A blonde was riding in the back of a pick-up truck when the truck went off the road and went into a pond.

Some neighbors came out to see what happened and waited for the blonde to come out of the water.

When she finally did, the neighbors asked her what took her so long.

She replied, "I couldn't get the tail-gate unlocked."


A blonde was swimming. She swam deeper and deeper until she drowned.
Her husband came home and found her dead in the bathtub.


     A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead were standing in a line before a firing squad.

The commander says, "READY, AIM" and the brunette yells "TORNADO!"

All the people turned around and looked and the brunette ran away.
Next, it's the redhead's turn.

The commander says, "READY, AIM" and the redhead yells "HURRICANE!"

Once again all the people turn around to look for the hurricane and the redhead runs away.
Finally, it's the blonde's turn.

The commander says, "READY, AIM" and the blonde yells "FIRE!" and gets shot.
 
Q. What do you call a blonde who dies her hair brown?
A. Artificial intelligence.
 
     There's a brunette standing in the middle of a street jumping up and down, counting "57, 57, 57."

A blonde walks up to her and decides that this game could be fun.

She asks the brunette if she can play too and the brunette says, "Sure."

So the two jump up and down counting "57, 57, 57."

Suddenly, the brunette jumps onto the curb and the blonde gets hit by a truck.

The brunette goes back into the street and starts jumping again, counting "58, 58, 58."
 
     A blonde and a redhead met in a bar after work for a drink, and were watching the 6 O'clock news.

A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge.

The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead replied, "I'll take that bet!"
Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owed.

The redhead said "I can't take this, you're my friend." The blonde said "No. A bet's a bet."
So the redhead said "Listen, I have to admit, I saw this on the 5 O'clock news, so I can't take your money."
The blonde replied "Well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again!"
 
Q. Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
A. So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.
 
Did you hear about the blonde coyote?
She got stuck in a trap, chewed off three of her legs and was still stuck.
 
Q. What do you call a blonde in a leather jacket?
A. A rebel without a clue!
 
Then there was the blonde who was so stupid that all the other blondes noticed...
 

     On a flight from New York to Paris, soon after take-off the pilot announces: "I'm sorry, but we have lost one of our engines.

Subsequently, we will arive in Paris approximately half an hour late."
A few minutes later, he comes on again:
"Hate to disappoint you folks, but another engine is down. Don't panic - we've still got two going, but now we'll be about 2 hours late."
After another few minutes, he comes on again:
"Look, I am really sorry about this, but somehow we have lost our third engine.

Still nothing serious to worry about, but we will be about five hours late to Paris."
After hearing this, the blonde turns to the guy sitting next to him and remarks,
"If we lose the other one, we'll be up here all night."
 
Q. What do you call a dead blonde in a closet?
A. The 1995 Hide and Seek World Champion.
 
Q.Why did the blonde get thrown out of the M & M factory?
A. She kept throwing out all the W's.
 
     One day while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.

The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.

He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.

Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires. The blonde started laughing.

This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield. This time the blonde laughed even harder.

Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car. The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.

The blonde giggled and replied, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"
 

Q. Why was the blonde staring at the orange juice container?
A. Because the label said "Concentrate".
 
     A redhead, a brunette and a blonde all escape from a prison together.

They run into the nearby woods and all climb up seperate trees.

When the police find the redheads tree and ask who is up there, the redhead chirps like a bird.

Then the police go to the brunette's tree. When they ask who is up there, the brunette makes chipmunk noises.

Finally, when the police go to the blonde's tree and ask who is up there, the blonde goes,"MOOOOOOOOOO!"
 

     A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are all stuck on a deserted island together.

The island is 20 miles from the nearest inhabited island so they all decide to try to swim there.

The redhead makes it 10 miles, is exhausted, gives up, and drowns.

The brunette makes it 15 miles before she's too tired to go any farther and drowns.

The blonde gets 19 miles away from the deserted island, decides she's too tired to go any farther, and swims all the way back to the deserted island.
 
Q. How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
A. Shine a flashlight in her ears.
 
Q. What do UFO's and smart blondes have in common?
A. You hear about them all the time, but you never see one.
 
Q. What do you call 25 blondes standing ear to ear?
A. A wind tunnel.
 
Q. What do you call 10 blondes in a refridgerator?
A. Frosted Flakes.
 
Q. Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
A. You can park in the handicap zone.
 
Q. How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?
A. There's white-out on the screen.
 
Q. How can you tell if another blonde's been using the computer?
A. There's writing on the white-out.
 
Q. How did the blonde die ice-fishing?
A. She was run over by the zambonis machine.
 
Q. What does a blonde say when you blow in her ear?
A. "Thanks for the refill!"
 
Q. Why do blondes have more fun?
A. They are easier to keep amused.
 
Q. Why did the blonde climb over the glass wall?
A. To see what was on the other side.
 
Q. What do you do when a blonde throws a hand grenade at you?
A. Pull the pin and throw it back.
 
Q. How do you drown a blonde?
A1. Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool.
A2. Stick a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of the pool.
 
Q. What do you get when you give a blonde a penny for her thoughts?
A. Change.
 
Q. Why did the blonde get so excited when she finished the jigsaw puzzle after only 6 months?
A. Because on the box it said: From 2-4 years.
 
Q. How do you amuse a blonde for hours?
A. Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.
 
Q. What did the blonde name her pet zebra?
A. Spot.
 
Q. How do you drive a blonde crazy?
A. Give her a bag of M & M s and tell her to alphabetize them.
 
Q. What goes: VROOM... SCREECH... VROOM... SCREECH... VROOM... SCREECH?
A. A blonde going through a flashing red light.
 
Q. Did you hear about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air?
A. She missed.
 
Q. What did the blonde say when she knocked over a priceless Ming vase?
A. "It's okay Daddy, I'm not hurt."
 

Two blondes observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of a Mercedes with a coat hanger:
Blonde #1: I can't seem to get this door unlocked!
Blonde #2: Well you better hurry up and try harder, because it's starting to rain and the top is down!
 
Q. How do you confuse a blonde?
A. Put her in a circular room and tell her to sit in the corner.
 
    Did you hear about the blonde who locked her keys in the car? It took her an hour to get her family out of the car.
 
Q. How do blonde brain cells die?
A. Alone
 
     There was this typical peroxide blonde.

She was really tired of being made fun of and being called a ditz, so she decided to get a makeover.

She went to a salon and had her hair done so that she was, once again, a brunette.

Now that she was a brunette, she decided she would take a drive in the country. So she hopped into her convertible and started driving.
She saw a farmer and a flock of sheep and thought, "Oh! Those sheep are so adorable!"

She got out and walked over to the farmer and said, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one home?"

The farmer, looking skeptical, said she could.
So the blonde looked at the flock and said, "157." The farmer was amazed because she was right.

She picked one out and was getting in her car when the farmer walked up to her.
"If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"
 
Q. What do you call a blonde with two brain cells?
A. Pregnant
 
   Three blondes were walking through a forest when they came upon a set of tracks.
The first blonde looked down at the tracks and said, "I think these are bird tracks."
The second blonde looked at them and said, "No, these are deer tracks."
The third blonde looked down, and BOOM!!! she gets run over by a train.
 
     A blonde went into a pizza parlor.

When she said that she'd like a medium pizza, the clerk asked her how many pieces she'd like to have it cut into: six or twelve.
"Oh, goodness, six please," said the blonde. "I don't think I could ever eat twelve!"
 
     One day, a blonde and her friend were walking through the park.

Suddenly, the blonde's friend said, "Oh, look, a dead birdie!"

The blonde looked up and said, "Where?"
 

post #564 of 625

I cut a pizza into six slices because I couldn't finish eight.  

post #565 of 625

Working at a Pizza parlor for five years now.....You would not believe the stupid things people say.

"I want a medium pizza! How much is that"
"Depending on the number of toppings the price will change; What would you like on it first?"
"I just want a damn pizza!"

 

Or a good one that happens daily

"thank you for calling Figaro's Pizza, will this be pick up or delivery?"
"Can I get a combination."

"Mam real quick, would you like to pick this up or have it delivered"
"Wait one moment, *background muttering* Alright we want two combinations."
"Alright, we have quite a few 'combination' pizzas, if you can name off a few toppings you want on it I will point you in the right direction"
"Do you guys deliver?"

every day...

post #566 of 625

Q. Why did the man put his money in the freezer?
A. He wanted cold hard cash!

Q. What did the porcupine say to the cactus?
A. "Is that you mommy?"

Q. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A. Frostbite.

Q. How do crazy people go through the forest?
A. They take the psycho path.

Q. What do prisoners use to call each other?
A. Cell phones.

Q. What do you get from a pampered cow?
A. Spoiled milk.

Q. Where do polar bears vote?
A. The North Poll

Q. What did Geronimo say when he jumped out of the airplane?
A. ME!!!

Q. Where do snowmen keep their money?
A. In snow banks.

Q. What's brown and sticky?
A. A stick.

Q. Why do sea-gulls fly over the sea?
A. Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels!

Q. What dog keeps the best time?
A. A watch dog.

Q. Why did the tomato turn red?
A. It saw the salad dressing!

Q. What did the grape do when it got stepped on?
A. It let out a little wine!

Q. How do you make a tissue dance?
A. Put a little boogey in it!

Q. Where do bees go to the bathroom?
A. At the BP station!

Q. What did the judge say when the skunk walked in the court room?
A. Odor in the court.

Q. What did the water say to the boat?
A. Nothing, it just waved.

Q. What did the fish say when he swam into the wall?
A. Dam!

Q. Why don't skeletons fight each other?
A. They don't have the guts.

Q. What has four legs but can't walk?
A. A table!

Q. Why did the turtle cross the road?
A. To get to the Shell station!

Q. What did the ground say to the earthquake?
A. You crack me up!

Q. What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck?
A. Milk and quackers!

Q. Why did the elephant eat the candle?
A. He wanted a light snack!

Q. Why is the letter "G" scary?
A. It turns a host into a ghost

Q. What has  4 eyes but no face?
A. Mississippi!

Q. What did the spider do on the computer?
A. Made a website!

Q. What letters are not in the alphabet?
A. The ones in the mail, of course!

Q. Why was 6 afraid of 7?
A. Because 789!

Q. Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
A. Because it felt crummy.

Q. How do you know carrots are good for your  eyes?
A. Because you never see rabbits wearing glasses!

Q. What do you call a pony with a sore throat?
A. A little horse

Q. Why did the sheep say "moo"?
A. It was learning a new language!

Q. What streets do ghosts haunt?
A. Dead ends!

Q. What is an astronaut's favorite place on a computer?
A. The Space bar!

Q. Why did the boy eat his homework?
A. Because his teacher said it was a piece of cake!

Q. Why is Basketball such a messy sport?
A. Because you dribble on the floor!

Q. What is the best day to go to the beach?
A. Sunday, of course!

Q. What bow can't be tied?
A. A rainbow!

Q. What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish?
A. Every morning you'll rise and shine!

Q. What does a teddy bear put in his house?
A. Fur-niture!

Q.What season is it when you are on a trampoline?
A.Spring time.

Q. What happens to cows during an earthquake?
A. They give milk shakes!

Q. Why did the jelly wobble?
A. Because it saw the milk shake!

Q. What do you call a girl who is always in the bookies?
A. Betty!

Q. Where do cows go on holiday?
A. Moo York

Q. Where did the computer go to dance?
A. To a disc-o.

Q. What do you call a man who rolls in the leaves?
A. Russel

Q. What has one head, one foot and four legs?
A. A Bed

Q. Why didn't the chicken cross the road?
A. He was a chicken.

Q. What is the difference between a school teacher and a train?
A. The teacher says spit your gum out and the train says "chew chew chew".

Q. Why did the birdie go to the hospital?
A. To get a tweetment.

Q. What do you call someone who is afraid of Santa?
A. A Clausterphobic

Q. Why was the guy looking for the food on his friend?
A. Because his friend said its on me.

Q. Did you hear the joke about the roof?
A. Never mind, it's over your head!

Q. What do you call a cow eating grass in a paddock?
A. A lawn mooer

Q. Why didn't the skeleton go to the dance?
A. Because he had no-body to go with.

Q. What did the penny say to the other penny?
A. We make perfect cents.

Q. Why did the man with one hand cross the road?
A. To get to the second hand shop.

Q. Why did the picture go to jail?
A. Because it was framed.

Q. What are two things you cannot have for breakfast?
A. Lunch and dinner.

Q. Why did the boy sprinkle sugar on his pillow before he went to sleep?
A. So he could have sweet dreams.

Q. Why did the robber take a bath?
A. Because he wanted to make a clean getaway.

Q. What did the judge say to the dentist?
A. Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth.

Q. What do you call a bear with no socks on?
A. Bare-foot.

Q. What can you serve but never eat?
A. A volleyball.

Q. What did one teddy bear say to the other teddy bear when he offered him some dessert?
A. No thank you, I am stuffed.

Q. What kind of shoes do all spies wear?
A. Sneakers.

Q. What did one wall say to the other wall?
A. I'll meet you at the corner.

Q. Why did the soccer player bring string to the game?
A. So he could tie the score.

Q. Why is a baseball team similar to a muffin?
A. They both depend on the batter.

Q. What did the alien say to the garden?
A. Take me to your weeder.

Q. Have you heard the joke about the butter?
A. I better not tell you, it might spread.

Q. How do baseball players stay cool?
A. Sit next to their fans.

Q. What gets wetter the more it dries?
A. A towel.

Q. Why was the math book sad?
A. Because it had too many problems.

Q. What runs but doesn't get anywhere?
A. A refrigerator.

Q. How do you catch a squirrel?
A. Climb a tree and act like a nut!

Q. What do you do with a blue whale?
A. Try to cheer him up!

Q. How do you communicate with a fish?
A. Drop him a line!

Q. Where do sheep go to get haircuts?
A. To the Baa Baa shop!

Q. What does a shark eat with peanut butter?
A. Jellyfish!

Q. Why was the pelican kicked out of the hotel?
A. Because he had a big bill!

Q. What do cats eat for breakfast?
A. Mice Crispies!

Q. What kind of dog tells time?
A. A watch dog!

Q. Why can't a leopard hide?
A. Because he's always spotted!

Q. What do you give a dog with a fever?
A. Mustard, its the best thing for a hot dog!

Q. What do you get when you cross a cat with a lemon?
A. A sour puss!

Q. Why do birds fly south for the winter?
A. Its easier than walking!

Q. What kind of key opens a banana?
A. A monkey!

Q. How do you know that carrots are good for your eyesight?
A. Have you ever seen a rabbit wearing glasses?

Q. Why does a hummingbird hum?
A. It doesn't know the words!

Q. Why are some fish at the bottom of the ocean?
A. Because they dropped out of school!

Q. What goes up and down but doesn't move?
A. The temperature!

Q. What two days of the week start with the letter "T"?
A. Today and Tomorrow!

Q. Which weighs more, a ton of feathers or a ton of bricks?
A. Neither, they both weigh a ton!

Q. What has four eyes but can't see?
A. Mississippi!

Q. Where does wood come from?
A. A guy named woody.

Q. What has one horn and gives milk
A. A milk truck.

Q. Where do bulls get their messages
A. On a bull-etin board.

Q. What do bulls do when they go shopping?
A. They CHARGE!

Q. Why were the giant's fingers only eleven inches long?
A. Because if they were twelve inches long, they'd be a foot.

Q. What is invisible and smells like carrots?
A. Bunny Farts!

Q. What runs but can't walk?
A. The faucet!

Q. What kind of bed does a mermaid sleep in?
A. A water bed!

Q. What kind of crackers do firemen like in their soup?
A. Firecrackers!

Q. What did the teddy bear say when he was offered dessert?
A. No thanks, I'm stuffed!

Q. Why did the barber win the race?
A. Because he took a short cut.

Q. What's taken before you get it?
A. Your picture.

Q. Why did the tree go to the dentist?
A. To get a root canal.

Q. Why did the child study in the airplane?
A. He wanted a higher education!

Q. Why was the broom late?
A. It over swept!

Q. What did the fireman's wife get for Christmas?
A. A ladder in her stocking!

Q. What did one virus say to another?
A. Stay away, I think I've got penicillin!

Q. What did the tie say to the hat?
A. You go on ahead and I'll hang around!

Q. What pet makes the loudest noise?
A. A trum-pet!

Q. What is a tornado?
A. Mother nature doing the twist!

Q. Why did the boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
A. He didn't want to wake the sleeping pills!

Q. How do you tease fruit?
A. Banananananananana!

Q. Why did Goofy put a clock under his desk?
A. Because he wanted to work over-time!

Q. Why did Tommy throw the clock out of the window?
A. Because he wanted to see time fly!

Q. How does a moulded fruit-flavoured dessert answer the phone?
A. Jell-o!

Q. When do you stop at green and go at red?
A. When you're eating a watermelon!

Q. How did the farmer mend his pants?
A. With cabbage patches!

Q. Why don't they serve chocolate in prison?
A. Because it makes you break out!

Q. What do you call artificial spaghetti?
A. Mockaroni!

Q. What happens to a hamburger that misses a lot of school?
A. He has a lot of ketchup time!

Q. Why did the man at the orange juice factory lose his job?
A. He couldn't concentrate!

Q. How do you repair a broken tomato?
A. Tomato Paste!

Q. Why did the baby strawberry cry?
A. Because his parents were in a jam!

Q. What did the hamburger name his daughter?
A. Patty!

Q. What kind of key opens the door on Thanksgiving?
A. A turkey!

Q. What kind of cake do you get at a cafeteria?
A. A stomach-cake!

Q. Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
A. He felt crummy!

Q. When does a cart come before a horse?
A. In the dictionary!

Q. Why were the teacher's eyes crossed?
A. She couldn't control her pupils!

Q. What do you get when you put a fish and an elephant together?
A. Swimming trunks.

Q. What goes up when the rain comes down?
A. An umbrella.

Q. What disappears when you stand up?
A. Your lap.

Q. What did the big firecracker say to the little firecracker?
A. My pop is bigger than yours.

Q. What did the big chimney say to the small chimney?
A. You are too little to smoke.

Q. What do you call a surgeon with eight arms?
A. A doctopus!

Q. Why did the teacher jump into the lake?
A. Because she wanted to test the waters!

Q. Why did the belt go to jail?
A. Because it held up a pair of pants!

Q. What is the center of gravity?
A. The letter V!

Q. What did the stamp say to the envelope?
A. Stick with me and we will go places!

Q. What sort of star is dangerous?
A. A shooting star!

Q. Why did the teacher write the lesson on the windows?
A. He wanted the lesson to be very clear!

Q. What kind of lights did Noah use on the Ark?
A. Flood lights!

Q. What do computers do when they get hungry?
A. They eat chips!

Q. Why don't you see giraffes in elementary school?
A. Because they're all in High School!

Q. Which is the longest word in the dictionary?
A. "Smiles", because there is a mile between each "s"!

Q. Which month do soldiers hate most?
A. The month of March!

Q. What did the painter say to the wall?
A. One more crack like that and I'll plaster you!

Q. Why do golfers wear two pairs of pants?
A. In case they get a hole in one!

Q. What would you call two banana skins?
A. A pair of slippers

post #567 of 625

So what's the word on the street? Heard any good tips lately?

post #568 of 625

Why don't lobsters share?
They're shellfish

Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don't work.

What did one wall say to the other?
I'll meet you at the corner!

Why can't a bank keep a secret?
Because there are too many tellers!

If a skunk wrote a book, which list would it be on?
The top ten smellers!

Which are the stronger of the days?
Sat. and Sun. because the others are week days!

Why did the old man tip toe past the medicine cabinet?
Because he knew there were sleeping pills!

Why did the robber take a bath?
So he could make a clean getaway!

Why couldn't the baseball player sing in the choir?
Because he couldn't reach the bass!

What is faster, heat or cold?
Heat is, because you can catch a cold!

Why is the number 10 afraid of seven?
Because seven ate nine!

What has four wheels and flies?
A garbage truck!

post #569 of 625

An Ascomycota walks into a bar and sees a really cute Chlorophyta sitting at a table.  He walks over to her and says, "Wow, you are all gal."

 

She looks at him and says, "You look like a fun guy, too."

 

So, they look a lichen to each other.


Edited by hodgjy - 3/30/13 at 11:38am
post #570 of 625
My laugher is bleeding, oh that was great tongue.gif
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