This joke is totally awesome. - Page 38

So a Catholic Priest and a Baptist Minister, in a show of good faith, invite a Rabbi out to an afternoon of fishing from the Priest's  boat .

Returning to the shoreline the Priest kneels , prays and gives thanks for the bountiful haul, and steps out of the boat walking

upon the water right to the beach, to the amazement of the Rabbi as he listens then to the Ministers knee bent prayer of thanks , 

who then rises and likewise steps from the boat walking upon the water to shore joining the Priest on the beach .

So, the Rabbi, not to be one upped , proceeds to pray mightily to the heavens , making a very long prayer of it , just to be sure his supplication

is indeed heard , proceeds to step from the boat to also likewise walk upon the waters ... And , sinks like a stone , thrashing a bouts ,

to the delight and belly laughter of the wise rascals witnessing from shore .

So, the Catholic Priest then says to the Baptist Minister , "Do you believe you should have told him , where the rocks are ?"

No, let him figure it out like I had to , when I first went fishing with you ;')

Wife: Darling, don't you think that after 6 years of being married I should get a new dress?

Husband: Why, what's wrong with the one you've got?

Wife: I'm getting tired of people throwing rice and confetti at me....!!!

Guy goes into a bar with a suitcase.

He orders a drink.  Then he opens up the suitcase, pulls out a tiny piano and a little man, a foot tall, jumps out of the suitcase and starts playing the tiny piano.

A guy sitting on the next stool says, "that's amazing!  How did you come across the little piano player?"

The man with the suitcase responds, "well, I was walking along the beach, came across a lantern, rubbed it, and a genie came out who granted me one wish."

The guy on the stool says, "you used your wish to get a little guy who plays the piano?"

The man with the suitcase responds, " Well , the genie misunderstood me.  He thought I asked for a 12 inch pianist."

98

lol

99,

100

101

And then there's the one

How do you keep an idiot in suspense?

Quote:

Originally Posted by wink 

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."

Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
  

Worth repeating, if only for the readers who are blonds ;'0

What does Princess Diana have in common with Pink Floyd? 

So, a D, an F, and an A walk into a bar, to be promptly forced out.

Stopped at a local pub while traveling through central Tasmania. Place was pretty rough, mostly loggers and other hard-working blokes. Felt rather out of place but took a seat at the bar and ordered a beer. 

A big bloke who had been sitting in a corner with a bunch of his rather rough mates came up to me. He sez: "You're not from around here are you?". I said nope.

He sez: "What do you do?"   "I'm a taxidermist".  He sez: "A taxidermy?, what's that?" 

I tell him "I mount dead animals".

Then he turns to his mates and sez: "He's ok mates, he's one of us".
 

• Can a cat play patty-cake? Pawsibly!
• Can anything be smarter than a cat that can count? Yes, a spelling bee!
• Did you hear about the cat who drank 5 bowls of water? He set a new lap record.
• Did you hear about the cat who swallowed a ball of wool? She had mittens.
• How did a cat take first prize at the bird show? He just jumped up to the cage, reached in, and took it.
• How do cats eat spaghetti? The same as everyone else - they put it in their mouths!
• How do cats end a fight? They hiss and make up.
• How do you know if your cat has eaten a duckling? She's got that down in the mouth look!
• How do you know that cats are sensitive creatures? They never cry over spilt milk!
• How do you know when your cat has been using your computer? When your mouse has teeth marks on it!
• How do you spell cat backwards? C-A-T-B-A-C-K-W-A-R-D-S!
• How do you spell mousetrap in just three letters? C-A-T!
• How do you stop a ten-pound parrot from talking too much? Buy a twenty-pound cat!
• How does a cat count? One, mew, three!
• How does a cat sing scales? Do-ri-me-ow!
• How does the cat get its own way? With friendly purrsuasion.
• How is a cat laying down like a coin? Because he has his head on one side and his tail on the other!
• How is cat food sold? Usually purr can!
• How many cats can you put into an empty box? Only one. After that, the box isn't empty.
• If a cat can jump five feet high, then why can't it jump through a three foot window? Because the window is closed.
• If a cat is a flabby tabby, then what is a very small cat? An itty bitty kitty.
• If lights run on electricity and cars run on gas, what do cats run on? Their paws.
• If there are ten cats on a boat and one jumps off, how many cats are left on the boat? None! They were copy cats.
• In what kind of weather is a vet the busiest? When it's raining cats and dogs!
• In which month do cats meow the least? February - it's the shortest month.
• Is it bad luck if a black cat follows you? That depends on whether you're a man or a mouse.
• On what should you mount a statue of your cat? A caterpillar!
• What cat purrs more than any other? Purrsians!
• What did one cat say to another? Have you heard the mews today!
• What did the cat do when he swallowed some cheese? He waited by the mouse hole with baited breath!
• What did the cat say when he lost all his money? I'm paw!
• What did the freshman computer science major say when he was told that the work stations had mice? Don't you have a cat?
• What did the mouse say when the cat bit his tail? That's the end of me!
• What do baby cats wear? Dia-purrs!
• What do cat actors say on stage? Tabby or not tabby!
• What do cats like best on a hot day? Mice cream!
• What do cats like to eat for breakfast? Mice Krispies.
• What do cats read in the morning? Mewspapers!
• What do cats use to make coffee? A purrcolator.
• What do you call a cat that has just eaten a whole duck? A duck filled fatty puss!
• What do you call a cat that lives in an igloo? An eskimew.
• What do you call a cat that sucks on lemons? A sour puss!
• What do you call a cat wearing shoes? Puss in boots!
• What do you call a loving cat bite? Cat nip!
• What do you call kittens who keep getting passed from owner to owner? Chain litter.
• What do you call the cat that was caught by the police? The purrpatrator.
• What do you do with a blue Burmese? Try and cheer it up a bit!
• What do you get if cross a cat with a canary? Shredded tweet!
• What do you get if cross a Tomcat with a Pekingese? A Peking Tom!
• What do you get if you cross a cat and a gorilla? An animal that puts you out a night!
• What do you get if you cross a cat with a bottle of vinegar? A sourpuss!
• What do you get if you cross a cat with a canary? A peeping tom!
• What do you get if you cross a cat with a parrot? A carrot!
• What do you get if you cross a cat with a tree? A cat-a-log!
• What do you get if you cross a cat with Father Christmas? Santa Claws!
• What do you get when you cross a chick with an alley cat? A peeping tom.
• What do you get when you cross an elephant with a cat? A big furry creature that purrs while it sits on your lap and squashes you.
• What do you say to your cat when you go out? Have a mice day!
• What do you use to comb a cat? A catacomb.
• What does a cat call a bowl of mice? A purrfect meal!
• What does a cat call a bowlful of mice? A purrr-fect meal!
• What does a cat do when it gets mad? It has a hissy fit.
• What does a cat like to eat on a hot day? A mice cream cone.
• What does a cat that lives near the beach have in common with Christmas? Sandy Claws.
• What does a sour puss eat? Crab meat!
• What drinks milk, meows, and has eight legs? An octo-puss!
• What grade did the cat get on his test? He got a Purrrr-fect score!
• What happened when the cat ate a ball of wool? She had mittens!
• What happened when the cat went to the flea circus? He stole the whole show!
• What happens when two cats want the same dish of food? They get into a phsssssst fight!
• What has more lives than a cat? A frog - it croaks all the time!
• What is a cat's favorite car? The Catillac.
• What is a cat's favorite color? Purrrrrrrple!
• What is a cat's favorite movie? "The Sound of Mewsic."
• What is a cat's favorite party game? Mews-ical chairs!
• What is a cat's favorite song? Three Blind Mice
• What is a cat's favorite subject in school? HISStory.
• What is a cat's way of keeping law & order? Claw Enforcement.
• What is a favorite cat tale? The Tortoiseshell and the Hair!
• What is a French cat's favorite pudding? Chocolate mouse!
• What is another name for a cat's home? A scratch pad.
• What is another way to describe a cat? A heat seeking missile!
• What is the best award a cat can earn? The Purr-litzer prize.
• What is the cat's favorite magazine? Good Mousekeeping.
• What is the cat's favorite TV show? The evening mews!
• What is the difference between a cat and a comma? One has the paws before the claws and the other has the clause before the pause.
• What is the name of the unauthorized autobiography of the cat? Hiss and Tell.
• What is white, sugary, has whiskers and floats on the sea? A catameringue!
• What kind of cat should you take into the desert? A first aid kitty!
• What kind of cat will keep your grass short? A lawn meower.
• What kind of cats purrs the best? Purrrrr-sians!
• What looks like half a cat? The other half!
• What newspapers do cats read? The Daily Mews!
• What side of the cat has the most fur? The OUT-side.
• What sport do cats play? Hairball!
• What time is it when 12 cats chase a mouse? 12 after 1!
• What works in a circus, walks a tightrope and has claws? An acrocat!
• What would you call a cat that likes to dig on the beach? Sandy Claws.
• What's a cat's favorite dessert? Chocolate mouse!
• What's happening when you hear "woof... splat... meow... splat?" It's raining cats and dogs.
• What's the unluckiest kind of cat to have? A catastrophe!
• What's worse than raining cats and dogs? Hailing taxi cabs!
• When the cat's away....? The house smells better!
• Where does a cat go when it loses its tail? The retail store.
• Where is one place that your cat can sit, but you can't? Your lap.
• Which is the cats' all-time favorite song? "Three Blind Mice."
• Which side of a cat has more hair? The outside, of course!
• Who helped Cinderella's cat go to the ball? Her furry godmother!
• Who was the most powerful cat in China? Chairman Miaow!
• Why are cats longer in the evening than they are in the morning? Because they're let out in the evening and taken in in the morning!
• Why are cats better than babies? Because you only have to change a litter box once a day.
• Why are cats such good singers? Because they're very mewsical.
• Why did a person with an unspayed female cat have to go to court? For kitty littering.
• Why did the cat cross the road? It was the chicken's day off!
• Why did the cat frown when she passed the hen house? Because she heard fowl language!
• Why did the cat join the Red Cross? Because she wanted to be a first-aid kit!
• Why did the cat put oil on the mouse? Because it squeaked.
• Why did the cat put the letter "M" into the fridge? Because it turns "ice" into "mice"!
• Why did the cat run from the tree? Because it was afraid of the bark!
• Why did the cat sleep under the car? Because she wanted to wake up oily!
• Why did the judge dismiss the entire jury made up of cats? Because each of them was guilty of purrjury.
• Why did the litter of communist kittens become capitalists? Because they finally opened their eyes.
• Why do cats chase birds? For a lark!
• Why do people love cats? Because they are purrrrr-fect!
• Why do tomcats fight? Because they like raising a stink!
• Why do you always find the cat in the last place you look? Because you stop looking after you find it.
• Why happened when the cat swallowed a coin? There was some money in the kitty!
• Why is the cat so grouchy? Because he's in a bad mewd.
• Why was the cat so small? Because it only drank condensed milk!

• Cat Scan: to look for a new cat.
• Cataclysm: any great upheaval in a cat's life.
• Catatonic: a feline medicinal drink.
• Caterpillar: a soft scratching post for a cat.
• Dog: a cat's device for running practice.
• Door: something a cat always wants to be on the other side of.
• Energy: the element of vitality cats always have an oversupply of until you try to play with them.
• Human: an automatic door opener for cats.
• Impurrsonate: to act like the cat.
• Purrade: an organized march of cats.
• Purradise: the garden of Cats.
• Purramour: a cat lover.
• Purranoia: the fear that your cat is up to something.
• Purraphernalia: a cat's personal belongings.
• Purrch: any favored feline napping spot.
• Purrchase: anything bought for a cat.
• Purrfume: the scent of an open can of tuna.
• Purrgatory: a houseful of kittens.
• Purrmission: a feline hunting expedition.
• Purrpetual: everlasting feline love.
• Purrplex: a house with two or more cats.
• Purrson: a male kitten.
• Purrsuit: the garment your shedding cat rubs against just as you are leaving home to go to an important meeting.
• Purrverse: a poem about a wicked kitty.
• Tooraloorailurophobia: an irrational fear of Irish cats.
• Tuner: sonar-like device in cat food that causes cats to appear.
• Yawn: a cat's honest opinion openly expressed.