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This joke is totally awesome. - Page 28

post #406 of 625

A man walked into a bar -

 

OUCH...!!!!!

post #407 of 625

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post #408 of 625

18+ language in the link.

 

Not sure if it's even allowed on the forums.

 

Yes, I visit reddit.

 

http://imgur.com/YXIGf

 

 

http://imgur.com/Fud3t

 

:s


Edited by koolkat - 7/30/11 at 6:54am
post #409 of 625

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From:
 David Thorne
Date: Thursday 21 May 2009 10.16am
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Pets in the building

Dear Helen,

 

Thankyou for your letter concerning pets in my apartment. I understand that having dogs in the apartment is a violation of the agreement due to the comfort and wellbeing of my neighbours and I am currently soundproofing my apartment with egg cartons as I realise my dogs can cause quite a bit of noise. Especially during feeding time when I release live rabbits.

 

Regards, David.

 

From: Helen Bailey
Date: Thursday 21 May 2009 11.18am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Pets in the building

Hello David


 

I have received your email and wish to remind you that the strata agreement states that no animals are allowed in the building regardless of if your apartment is soundproof. How many dogs do you have at the premises?

 

Helen

 

From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 21 May 2009 1.52pm
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Re: Re: Pets in the building

Dear Helen,


 

Currently I only have eight dogs but one is expecting puppies and I am very excited by this. I am hoping for a litter of at least ten as this is the number required to participate in dog sled racing.

 

I have read every Jack London novel in preparation and have constructed my own sled from timber I borrowed from the construction site across the road during the night. I have devised a plan which I feel will ensure me taking first place in the next national dog sled championships. For the first year of the puppies life I intend to say the word mush then chase them violently around the apartment while yelling and hitting saucepan lids together.

 

I have estimated that the soundproofing of my apartment should block out at least sixty percent of the noise and the dogs will learn to associate the word mush with great fear so when I yell it on race day, the panic and released adrenaline will spur them on to being winners. I am so confident of this being a foolproof plan that I intend to sell all my furniture the day before the race and bet the proceeds on coming first place.

 

Regards, David.

 

From: Helen Bailey
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 9.43am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

David, I am unsure what to make of your email. Do you have pets in the apartment or not?


 

Helen

 

From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 11.27am
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

Dear Helen,


 

No. I have a goldfish but due to the air conditioner in my apartment being stuck on a constant two degrees celcius, the water in its bowl is iced over and he has not moved for a while so I do not think he is capable of disturbing the neighbours. The ducks in the bathroom are not mine.

 

The noise which my neighbours possibly mistook for a dog in the apartment is just the looping tape I have of dogs barking which I play at high volume while I am at work to deter potential burglars from breaking in and stealing my tupperware. I need it to keep food fresh. Once I ate leftover chinese that had been kept in an unsealed container and I experienced complete awareness. The next night I tried eating it again but only experienced chest pains and diarrhoea.

 

Regards, David.

 

From: Helen Bailey
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 1.46pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

Hello David


 

You cannot play sounds of dogs or any noise at a volume that disturbs others. I am sure you can appreciate that these rules are for the benefit of all residents of the building. Fish are fine. You cannot have ducks in the apartment though. If it was small birds that would be ok.

 

Helen

 

From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 2.18pm
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

Dear Helen,


 

They are very small ducks.

 

Regards, David.

 

From: Helen Bailey
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 4.06pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

David, under section 4 of the strata residency agreement it states that you cannot have pets. You agreed to these rules when you signed the forms. These rules are set out to benefit everyone in the building including yourself. Do you have a telephone number I can call you on to discuss?


 

Helen

 

From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 5.02pm
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

Dear Helen,


 

The ducks will no doubt be flying south for the winter soon so it will not be an issue. It is probably for the best as they are not getting along very well with my seventeen cats anyway.

 

Regards, David.

 

From: Helen Bailey
Date: Monday 25 May 2009 9.22am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

David, I am just going to write on the forms that we have investigated and you do not have any pets.


 

Helen

post #410 of 625


 

Quote:
Originally Posted by sidel View Post

...........................

 

From: Helen Bailey
Date: Monday 25 May 2009 9.22am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

David, I am just going to write on the forms that we have investigated and you do not have any pets.


 

Helen


David Thorne.. what a boss. x)

 


Edited by WoahReQQuiem - 7/30/11 at 8:18am
post #411 of 625

Sounds like they Googled him and got a clue as to who he was and the crap he pulls and knew not to bother.

post #412 of 625

Y_Y not too many reddit-ers on here. 

post #413 of 625

Doctor, you were right when you said you’d have me on my feet and walking in no time.
That’s good John; when did you start walking?
When I got your bill doctor, I had to sell my car to pay it.

 

Doctor: I’m sorry to have to tell you that you may have rabies, and it could prove fatal.
Patient: Well, doctor, please give me pencil and paper.
Doctor: To make your will?
Patient: No, to make a list of people I want to bite.

 

A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you
had to arrest your own mother?"
He said: "Call for backup."

 

A customer sent an order to a distributor for a large amount of goods totaling a great deal of money.

The distributor noticed that the previous bill hadn’t been paid, so he asked his collections manager to leave a voice-mail for them saying, “We can’t ship your new order until you pay for the last one.”

The next day the collections manager received a collect phone call, “Please cancel the order. We can’t wait that long.”

 

 

post #414 of 625

A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says, 'Hey, we have a drink named after you!'
The grasshopper looks surprised and says, 'You have a drink named Steve?'

 

A dog walks into a bar. He hops up on a bar stool and puts his front paws on the bar.

He looks the bartender right in the eye and says, "Hey, guess what? I'm a talking dog.

Have you ever seen a talking dog before?How about a drink for the talking dog?"

The bartender thinks for a moment and says, "Alright.The toilet's right around the corner."

 

What did the apple say to the worm?   You're boring me.

 

Why did the ram fall off the cliff?  Because he didn't see the ewe turn.

 

A man and his pet giraffe walk into a bar and start having a few quiet drinks.As the night goes on, they get pretty drunk.

The giraffe finally passes out near the pool tables, and the man decides to go home.
As the man is leaving, he's approached by the barman who says, "Hey, you're not gonna leave that lyin' here, are ya?"
"Hmph," says the man, "that's not a lion, it's a giraffe."

 

What weighs 2,000 pounds and pinches?  An elephant wearing a tight tuxedo!

 

What's the national bird of Afghanistan?   DUCK!!!

 

 

What do Alexander the Great and Kermit the Frog have in common?  Their middle name.

 

What's the easiest way to put a giraffe in a fridge?  By opening the door and putting it in.

 

How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?  You open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door.

 

The Lion King is hosting an animal conference, all the animals attend, except one. Which animal does not attend? The elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator.

There is a river you must cross. But it is filled with crocodiles.How do you manage it? You swim across -- all the crocodiles are attending the animal conference.

 

 

post #415 of 625

That second one made me think of Brian, the dog on Family Guy biggrin.gif

post #416 of 625

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post #417 of 625
Quote:
Originally Posted by sidel View Post

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undefeatable logic biggrin.gif
post #418 of 625

beerchug.gif

post #419 of 625

Yes,  perfect beer logic.

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post #420 of 625

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