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This joke is totally awesome. - Page 27

post #391 of 625

According to the pic it's from the "National Post". Not Aussie as far as I know. Canadian?

post #392 of 625
My apologies good sir.

Hmm, thought Canucks were smarter than that... tongue.gif
post #393 of 625

Dont worry, we have plenty of newspapers here also owned by Rupert Murdoch...

post #394 of 625

     Quote:

Originally Posted by Permagrin View Post

^ What the... ?

What similarities do they have? Kanye wasn't a child prodigy was he? Or maybe he has a drinking problem? I don't follow that crap so I don't know.

Is that an Aussie paper? That could almost rival the U.K. stuff lol.


Whose to say there isn't a Kanye bashing article following...could be a respectable paper :P

 

post #395 of 625

 

Quote:
could be a respectable paper :P

Now, there are two mutually exclusive terms.... respectable and paper..... that's as bad as army intelligence...

post #396 of 625
post #397 of 625

What's green and swims in the ocean?

Moby Pickle.

 

What's green and goosesteps?

Snotzies.

 

What's green and skates on ice?

Peggy Phlegm.

 

What's green and lives in Belgium?

Phlegmish.

 

That's all the green jokes I can think of.

post #398 of 625

A duck walks into a 7-11 and says "Give me some chapstick, put it on my bill!" But the cash register attendee doesn't speak English and cannot understand him. He does, however, question whether his God is punishing him because as all people know, Ducks cannot speak, however, this hallucination must be punishment for a horrid misdeed. THe employee breaks down into tears and begins reciting prayer. The duck, slightly miffed, walks out, pondering why he'd need chapstick anyway, since he has no lips.

 

*<|=0)

post #399 of 625

 

Quote:

What's green and swims in the ocean?

Moby Pickle.

 

What's green and goosesteps?

Snotzies.

 

What's green and skates on ice?

Peggy Phlegm.

 

What's green and lives in Belgium?

Phlegmish.

 

That's all the green jokes I can think of. 

 

What's green and sings in the vegetable patch?

Elvis parsley.

 

What zooms around your cereal bowl at over 100KPH?

Marlon Branflake.

 

What's purple and lives on the bottom of the ocean?

Moby Grape.

 

What's orange and shoots out of the ground at 120KPH?

An E type carrot.

 

What's green and shots out of the ground at 60KPH?

A Brussel Sprout.

 

 

 

post #400 of 625

A Little Math Humor Helps

 

1. Why are 6’s afraid of 7’s? Because 7, 8, 9. (Seven ate nine)

 

2. How do you know if a plant belongs to a math teacher? It has square roots.

 

3. What did the Whole # say to the fraction? You crack me up.

 

4. Why do math books cry? They have so many problems.

 

5. What does an acorn say when it grows up? Geometry. (Gee, I’m a tree)

 

6. What is an occupied bathroom called on an airplane? A hypotenuse. (High pot in use)

 

7. What do all sixteenth century mathematicians have in common? They’re all dead.

 

8. When do mathematicians die? When their number is up.

 

9. What is a good looking angle called? Acute angle.

 

10. If you had 12 potatoes and had to divide them among 5 people, how would you do it? Mash them.

 

11. What is the longest piece of furniture called? The multiplication table.

 

12. If you faint, what number will revive you? They will bring you 2.

 

13. What is a metric cookie called? A gram cracker.

 

14. What number has a day named after it? Two’s day.

 

15. What runs and runs and never gets anywhere? A clock.

 

16. What gets bigger and bigger the more you take from it? A hole.

 

17. Why do math teachers talk to themselves? They think someone is listening.

 

18. What did the calculator say to the cashier. You can count on me.

 

19. How many sides does a box have? Two, inside and out.

 

20. Two’s company, three’s a crowd, what 4 and 5 called? Nine.

 

21. What has a foot on each end and a foot in the middle? A yardstick.

 

22. What’s the new chemical symbol for water? HIJKLMNO. (H to O)

 

23. Why isn’t your nose 12 inches long? Because it would be a foot.

 

24. What does it mean when you say someone is 288? He’s 2 gross.

 

25. When do math teachers wear dark glasses? When they have bright students.

 

26. What did one geologist say to another? Are you going to the rock festival?

 

27. Why are soccer players so good in math? They use their heads.

 

28. What kind of skates does a calculator wear? Figure skates.

 

29. What is a polygon? A lost parrot.

 

30. If your parents asked why your grades were so low in January, what would you tell them so they would not get upset? That everything is marked down after Christmas.

 

31. What is the best way to pass a geometry test? By knowing all the angles.

 

32. What does a hungry math teacher eat? A square meal.

 

33. Kings always sat on gold, who sits on silver? The Lone Ranger.

 

34. How do you make seven even? Erase the "s".

35. What is the ancient stone with the multiplications carved on it called? The first concrete example.

 

36. What do mathematicians call the funny section of the newspaper? The conic sections.

 

37. Where do mathematicians sit at a banquet? The multiplication table.

 

38. Why do math teachers bring a ruler to bed. To see how long they slept.

 

39. A converse in geometry is approaching a theorem from the rear.

 

40. What is a skydiver called? A dropout.

 

41. Why did the witch fail out of school. She couldn’t spell.

 

42. What do you call drawing squares on Dracula? A checking account.

 

43. What would a teacher say if he lost an eye? I lost my best pupil.

 

44. What did the digital watch say to its mother? Look Ma, no hands.

 

45. If you think math vocabulary is strange, look at English. We drive on parkways and park on driveways.

 

46. What season do kangaroos like best? Spring time.

 

47. Why are mosquitoes such good mathematicians? They add to misery, subtract from pleasure, divide your attention, and multiply rapidly.

 

48. Why do some think arithmetic so hard? Because of all the numbers you have to carry.

 

49. Show that 7 is half of 12? Draw a line across the middle of XII, you have VII.

 

50. If you were an artist, what color would you paint the sun and the wind? The sun "rose" and the wind "blew".

 

51. What’s the difference between a train and a teacher? A train says choo choo choo and a teacher says "spit it out".

 

52. Why aren’t amoebas good at math? They have to divide to multiply.

 

53. Why are the numbers one though twelve such good detectives? They are always on the watch.

 

54. What can you tell me about nitrates? They are cheaper than day rates.

 

55. What did one decimal say to another? Get the point.

 

56. Add the following: one ton of sawdust, four loose screws, twenty nuts and bolts. Got that all in your head? I thought so.

 

57. Two trains are on opposite ends of a railroad track traveling toward each other. Engineer A is going 50 mph, Engineer B is traveling at a rate of 40 mph, where will they meet? In the hospital.

 

58. You should get good grades in geometry. Because you’re a square and you talk in circles.

 

59. How many feet in a yard? Depends on the number of people.

post #401 of 625
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post #402 of 625

swamp.gif

post #403 of 625

 

 

 

Do you work at Subway? 'Cause you just gave me a foot long.




 

post #404 of 625

swamp.gif

post #405 of 625

One Liners

Gorgeous, intelligent, kind, sweet, charming, witty, hilarious, friendly...well enough about ME! How are you?

 

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!

 

How do u occupy an idiot? Press down - Press up...Press Down...!

 

FRIEND SEARCH: Friend detector activated...calibration complete, now searching.....still searching....still searching......sorry, no friends found.

 

Hw do U kp a txtr in suspense? I'll tel U l8r.

 

HELP: Cops are after a suspect who smart, witty, and good lookin...so where you gonna hide ME?

 

Q: How can you tell when a FAX had been sent from a blonde?

A: There is a stamp on it.

 

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

 

Always remember you're unique - just like everyone else.

 

I heard you took an IQ test and they said you're results were negative.

 

How many letters in the Alphabet? 19, cuz ET went home on a UFO and the FBI went after him.

 

Don't feel sad...don't feel blue...Frankenstein was ugly too...

 

The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, and the second half by our children.

 

Y did the jelly baby go 2 school? Cuz he wanted to be a smarty.

 

What u call dog with no legs? Don't matter wot u call him, he ain't gonna come.

 

How do u keep an idiot amused? Watch this message until it goes away!

 

It's better to let someone think you are an Idiot than to open your mouth and prove it.

 

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!

 

 

You are here: X

 

Crime doesn't pay...Does that mean my job is a crime?

 

Q: Why did the blond get fired from the banana plantation?

A: Because she threw out all the bent ones.

 

What did the bartender say to the jumper cables when they walked into the bar? Ok u 2, don't start anything.

 

Am I getting smart with you? ....How would you know?

 

Sorry, I don't date outside my species.

 

The secret to success is knowing who to blame for your failures.

 

There are no personal problems which cannot be solved through suitable application of high explosives.

 

Just because you're smart does not mean that the other guy is stupid.

 

You may be recognized soon. Hide.

 

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

 

I pretend to work here - they pretend to pay me.

 

Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.

 

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

 

You worry too much about your job. Stop it. You are not paid enough to worry.

 

Mind intentionally left blank...

 

I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem

 

Nostalgia ain't what it used to be.

 

If I want your opinion, I'll give it to you.

 

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time - I think I've forgotten this before.

 

If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?

 

Born Free........Taxed to Death.

 

We will now upgrade your brain, please wait...searching...searching...still searching...sorry NO BRAIN found

 

Just reminding u there is a very fine line between hobby and mental illness.

 

Remember: Don't Insult the Alligator till after you cross the river.

 

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