Do you know what a redneck divorce and a tornado have in common?
Someone is going to lose a trailer.
Then there was this guy who stopped seeing his fortune teller because she was so depressing.
He went to another, but she was depressing too.
He just couldn't find a happy medium.
Three pieces of string walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer, but the barman says, "We don't serve string here."
So the second one tries and is turned away in the same way.
The third piece of string lies down on the ground, rolls around, gets itself all frayed and tangled up, then goes and orders a beer.
The barman, by now exasperated, demands, "Look, are you a piece of string?"
And the string replies, "No, I’m a frayed knot."
A man finds an old lamp in his parents attic and rubs it to remove the dirt and grime only to have a genie pop out that will grant him three wishes
The man first wished to win a million dollars in the lottery, two days later the man finds out his ex-wife won the lottery for TWO million. He asks for a brand new sports car and instead his ex-wife gets TWO sports cars
"I will grant you one more wish" the Genie says
The frustrated man pauses and thinks hard. He then snaps his fingers and with a grin says
"I'd like to donate half of what I got from my divorce settlement to my ex-spouse"
A duck walks into a gas station store and asks the shopkeep, "Got any toilet paper?"
The keep tells the duck, "No, this is a gas station. We ain't got no toilet paper."
The duck walks into the station the next day and asks, "Got any toilet paper?"
The keep, slightly miffed this time, tells the duck, "I told you yesterday, this is a gas station. We ain't got no toilet paper."
The duck walks into the station the day after that and asks the same question.
The keep, clearly incensed this time, shouts, "I told you once, I tell you again, we ain't got no freakin' toilet paper! Now if you show up here again I'm gonna nail your feet to the floor to teach you a lesson!"
The duck returns the next day and asks the keep, "Got any nails?"
"Got any toilet paper?"
I near snorted right in the middle of my history lecture.
An unemployed, hopeless man finally got to the zoo. He went to see the manager and told him he was looking for a job but nowhere had found so he came to the zoo then. The manager, surprised at first, got convinced and said to the man: here is a monkey costume, you will play monkey. The man entered the zoo area dressed as the monkey and started to punch his chest, eat bananas and climb the trees. Suddenly a lion went out from a burden and started approaching the man. He tried to keep distance to the lion but when the lion got close enough and there was no place to escape he started to cry:
- Help! Here is a lion! Get me out of here!
So, the lion said to him:
- Unless you shut up instantly, we both will be fired.
A guy goes into a bar with a suitcase.
He orders a drink. Then he opens up the suitcase, pulls out a tiny piano and a little man, a foot tall, jumps out of the suitcase and starts playing the tiny piano.
A guy sitting on the next stool says, "that's amazing! How did you come across the little piano player?"
The man with the suitcase responds, "well, I was walking along the beach, came across a lantern, rubbed it, and a genie came out who granted me one wish."
The guy on the stool says, "you used your wish to get a little guy who plays the piano?"
The man with the suitcase responds, "the genie misunderstood me. He thought I asked for a 12 inch pianist."