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In-laws (long and winey) - Page 2

post #16 of 26
3/24/10 at 12:58pm
Man, this sounds like a lose-lose. Unless your spouse will back you 100% with cutting them off, it can be very messy and a strain on your marriage. You let the genie out of the bottle.

If it were me, however, I'd buy groceries for the kids and that's it. They're users. They'll suck the very life out of you and spit it out. And complain in the process. It's time to end it and stand your ground. They don't give a rat's ass about you. It's patently obvious.

Feed the kids. Stop the rest. I know from experience.

Peace,
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post #17 of 26
3/24/10 at 2:31pm
From his perspective, he's probably desperately trying to keep up appearances for the kids- with some vain hope that deal will miraculously come through.

A heartfelt talk about downscaling his lifestyle is probably long-past due. The house is going to be foreclosed on soon anyways (unless you would like to pay his mortgage too).
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post #18 of 26
3/24/10 at 3:47pm
I honestly think I would move across country.
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post #19 of 26
3/24/10 at 4:27pm
I so understand where you are coming from. You started out by being nice to help them out of a tough spot, now they're back to living how they want and you have the bill. As difficult as it will be, stop this at once. This is their way to use credit they feel they will never have to pay back. You, being responsible, had money for yourself. Now you're out a great deal of dollars and it really isn't fair. You need to realize this guy is going to eat up all of your dollars. As close ae you are to your sis, she is married to someone who should be providing for them. Now, the tough part:
1. Get all credit cards back.
2. Next time they call for even more, tell them you cannot right now.
3. Tell them your job is in trouble so you're hunkering down.
4. Formulate a way for them to begin paying you back. If they have no consequences, they'll just keep using you for nothing.
5. When they learn that it's no longer free, they'll move on.
6. When they disappear, get after them to so you can formulate a way for them to pay you back. Tell them you have a layer.
7. It's your money. You are responsible person. You deserve to have it back. Maybe they should sell a car to pay you back.
8. You didn't choose their lifestyle for them.

Sorry. Rant at your rant. Wow. over and out!
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post #20 of 26
3/24/10 at 4:28pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by nealric View Post
From his perspective, he's probably desperately trying to keep up appearances for the kids- with some vain hope that deal will miraculously come through.
Probably. But would you rather your kids live disillusioned and in debt or admit to them that daddy really can't afford all the crap he buys?

Hey, we all want to live like we're rich. Unfortunately, when we live like we're rich and we're not, we'll just end up poor. Spending more than you have leaves you negative. That's math. And with time that negative will just get bigger. That's debt.
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post #21 of 26
3/24/10 at 4:52pm
Thread Starter 
It's not the money. I know I will not get it back. It is hard to look at the ones you love and see them wanting for things. My nephew is 12 and seems to grow every week and he is walking around with shoes that don't fit. I feel horrible esspecially when I consider my headphone system's $ and the money I selfishly spend on wine a month. It is hard to rationalize. I have no children and consider them my own.
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post #22 of 26
3/24/10 at 5:01pm
Quote:
1. Get all credit cards back.
2. Next time they call for even more, tell them you cannot right now.
3. Tell them your job is in trouble so you're hunkering down.
4. Formulate a way for them to begin paying you back. If they have no consequences, they'll just keep using you for nothing.
5. When they learn that it's no longer free, they'll move on.
6. When they disappear, get after them to so you can formulate a way for them to pay you back. Tell them you have a layer.
7. It's your money. You are responsible person. You deserve to have it back. Maybe they should sell a car to pay you back.
8. You didn't choose their lifestyle for them.
I agree with #1, but not the rest.

Demanding repayment and hiring a lawyer to attempt to collect on it is playing far more hardball than needs to be played. He needs be cutoff because it is creating an unhealthy dependency- but going too hardcore will just result in family strife that is very unlikely to be worth the money. Lying to him about your job security would just make things worse (especially if anyone in family found out).

If you want to help him out, restrict your assistance to in-kind assistance. Buy the kids shoes or groceries, but giving the parents a blank check can come to no good.

As an aside: It's a strange country we live in now where people living in $1,000,000 homes are on food stamps.
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post #23 of 26
3/24/10 at 5:04pm
The bottom line here has to be if you are in a position to help a family you should do so, food, clothes and a roof over their heads. But when they take advantage of the money with lavish gifts and expensive food you have to find a middle-ground for them. Perhaps give them a pre-paid card that you top-up monthly which will cover said expenses and nothing more.
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post #24 of 26
3/24/10 at 5:53pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by nealric View Post
I agree with #1, but not the rest.

Demanding repayment and hiring a lawyer to attempt to collect on it is playing far more hardball than needs to be played. He needs be cutoff because it is creating an unhealthy dependency- but going too hardcore will just result in family strife that is very unlikely to be worth the money. Lying to him about your job security would just make things worse (especially if anyone in family found out).

If you want to help him out, restrict your assistance to in-kind assistance. Buy the kids shoes or groceries, but giving the parents a blank check can come to no good.

As an aside: It's a strange country we live in now where people living in $1,000,000 homes are on food stamps.
I doubt OP can avoid family strife one way or another. It's far easier to give entitlement than to take it away; you will have folks kicking and yelling . . . . (true in family, true everywhere else)
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post #25 of 26
3/24/10 at 6:26pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by nealric View Post
I agree with #1, but not the rest.

Demanding repayment and hiring a lawyer to attempt to collect on it is playing far more hardball than needs to be played. He needs be cutoff because it is creating an unhealthy dependency- but going too hardcore will just result in family strife that is very unlikely to be worth the money. Lying to him about your job security would just make things worse (especially if anyone in family found out).

If you want to help him out, restrict your assistance to in-kind assistance. Buy the kids shoes or groceries, but giving the parents a blank check can come to no good.

As an aside: It's a strange country we live in now where people living in $1,000,000 homes are on food stamps.
Good points. Perhaps I was just "feeling the pain", and I guess I just want the OP out of the trouble.
I particularly like your concept of just buying what he feels necessary, and no longer providing the blank check syndrome. That might be a safe and elegant solution.

As for family strife, I think John2E has seen enough with his wife getting cancer. Why family forgets that cancer treatment alone can eat up thousands of dollars is incredible. They really should leave him alone.
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post #26 of 26
3/24/10 at 6:31pm
Ok....i know im talking blunt here, and its so easy for me to say because im not you, and im not in this position right now,......but ive been there, because im too nice, but ive learned.

Im torn between saying "Its your fault and you could have just said NO and stopped giving them money!" , AND "Youre just too nice and i hope everything works out.".

The reason why i just want to be blunt and say "Hey just cut it off!!! You got the money, so that means you call the shots and you got the power", is because ive been there and i hope they dont drag you down with them, because those kinds of people usually do just that.

You seen too nice. Dont let them walk all over you. I realize theyre family and all, but youre gonna have to lay down the law to help them and keep from hurting you and your family. Make them figure out a real plan of action and not pipe-dreams, to fix their situation so they dont need your money.

No more steak dinners. I dont even eat that. They can eat home much cheaper. Even an enjoyable BBQ would be cheaper!!!

Really, take hold of the situation before it consumes you and your family and force them to make a game plan, because people like that are a spreading desease.
In the long run it will help them, and you too.
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