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Post your favourite joke here! Keep 'em clean ! - Page 38

post #556 of 563

like a statue

A woman was in bed with her lover, Steve, when she heard her husband opening the front door.

"Hurry!" she said. "Stand in the corner."

She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder.

"Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."

"What's this honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Martins bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us, too."

No more was said about the statue -- not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

"Here," he said to the 'statue'. "Eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Martins for three days and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water."
post #557 of 563
Quote:
Originally Posted by Quaddy View Post
A woman was in bed with her lover, Steve, when she heard her husband opening the front door.

"Hurry!" she said. "Stand in the corner."

She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder.

"Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."

"What's this honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Martins bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us, too."

No more was said about the statue -- not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

"Here," he said to the 'statue'. "Eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Martins for three days and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water."
Thanks, that was funny!
post #558 of 563
OK, here is something a little less appropriate but I like it.

A happy bunny is hopping through the forest and comes across a bear snorting cocaine.

The rabbit says "Hey bear, what are you doing, don't you know that stuff is bad for you, you should stop it right away and toss everything away!"

The bear looks at his coke, looks at the bunny, back at his coke, then just tosses it.

So the happy is hopping along the forest and comes across a porcupine smoking a joint.

The bunny says "What's that you got there porcupine, put that out right away, that stuff is bad for you, it'll mess you up, it's really bad for you!"

The porcupine looks at his joint, looks at the bunny, then steps out the join.

The happy bunny continues hopping through the forest and comes across a wolf shooting up heroin.

The bunny says "Wolf, stop that right away! That stuff will seriously mess you up, it's terrible for you!"

Without a warning, the wolf jumps the rabbit and starts kicking his ass! The other animals look on in wonder and say "Hey wolf, that bunny was just trying to help, what are you doing!?"

The wolf replies "I've seen this bunny before, once he drops some acid, this little prick starts talking **** to EVERYBODY!"
post #559 of 563
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lenni View Post
How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?

Answer: Trick Question. Feminists can't change anything.
, bloddy hell chessy but made me laugh



Anyway....

Two men walk into a bar..... you think one of them would have seen it.
post #560 of 563

A man and a woman go camping. They put up their tent and go to sleep.

A few hours later the man wakes the woman and says: Look up at the sky, what do you see?

She says: I see a million stars.

He: And what does that tell you?

She: Well, astronomically it tells me that there are millions of undiscovered worlds and planets out there! Astrologically it tells me that Saturn is in the sign of the lion! Meteorologically it tells me that we will have a very nice day tomorrow! Timewise it tells me that it’s about 3.15 am! Theologically it tells me that that God is almighty and we are unworthy! And what does it tell you?

He is quiet for a moment and then says: Well, practically it tells me that someone has nicked our tent…

post #561 of 563
Myron Kotchman was a renowned physician who earned his undergraduate and medical degrees at the state university in his home town and then left for Manhattan, NY where he quickly rose to the top of his field. Some time later, Dr. Kotchman was invited to deliver a significant paper at a conference, coincidentally held in his home town.

As Dr. Kotchman walked on stage and placed his papers on the lectern, but they slid off onto the floor. When he bent over to retrieve them, at precisely the wrong instant, he inadvertently farted loudly. The podium microphone picked up and amplified his emission thunderously resoundinging through the room and reverberating down the hall.

Dr. Kotchman was absolutely mortified in the silence that followed, but somehow regained his composure just enough to deliver his paper. He ignored the resounding applause and raced out the stage door, never intending to be seen in his home town again.

Decades later, when his elderly mother was ill, Dr. Kotchman returned to visit her. He reserved a hotel room under the name of Cooke and arrived under cover of darkness.

The desk clerk asked him, "Is this your first visit to our city, Mr. Cooke?"

Dr. Kotchman replied, "Well, young man, no, it isn't. I grew up and received my education here, but then I moved away."

“Why haven't you come back for a visit?" asked the desk clerk.

Actually, I did visit once, many years ago, but to tell you the truth an embarrassing thing happened, and since then I've been too ashamed to return."

The clerk consoled him. "Sir, while I don't have your life experience, one thing I have learned is that often what seems embarrassing to me isn't even remembered by others. I bet that's true of your incident, too."

Dr. Kotchman replied, "Son, I doubt that's the case with my incident."

"Was it a long time ago?"

"Yes, many years."

The clerk asked, "Was it before or after the Kotchman Fart?"
post #562 of 563
Not really a joke but it my me lol and it's damn catchy!

GET ON MY HORSE
post #563 of 563
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. if I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the **** out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's!
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