An open letter to Steve Jobs:
After the much and happy brou-ha-ha which had everyone gaga over the elegant and beautiful iPhones and iPod Touches that Apple has been making a killing off of lately, I thought I'd take this time to remind you of your roots.
That's right, it's time. Time for the effing 400 GB iPod classic. Godammit, man, you've lost your perspective! Your commitment to constantly changing the definition of the "popular" go-to portable digital music device is getting in the way of taking advantage of the classic arms-race strategy that would lead to even smaller, cheaper ways to store vast quantities of music-y goodness and pump it through tinny included earbuds to people who'll listen to anything your iTunes store recommends!
Hell, make it an even 500 GB. Make it all black again, with the true mirror-chrome back. That's really Classic if you ask any random bloke off the street. It's already as classic as a black Harley with all chrome exhaust, a mustachioed hardass and a coked-out bimbo riding ass half off the back! Do you realize that after only 8 short years, your product has reached a status that's only one Mythical Renown point below effing Batman?
It's okay, we all got distracted by touchscreens and apps for quite a while. And I'm not saying these are bad things... but these things phase in cycles, and right now it's time for something with more horsepower than a fighter jet and a DAC-opamp chain that blows the brains out of the previous setup.
I know, it's hard to take this medicine when it was delivered with such thinly veiled animosity for your obvious profiteering based solely upon looks and buzzwords, and yet almost devoid of truly innovative functionality*. However, take this time to consider...
How t&a-ing awesome would it be to walk onto your next flight knowing you have 125 thousand songs available for immediate aural orgasm?
Yes, Steve, it is hard for me to be this awesome. I'm just trying to help make the world a better place by making you a bit more awesome. And you'd be the most awesome ever if you gave me a tricked out, gloss black 1 TB iPod Classic with mirror-chrome back engraved:
"Ah, music. A magic beyond all we do here!"
-Albus Dumbledore
Signed,
Please give me a 250 thousand song iPod,
I have a profile on this this website and you have the resources to find me.
PS-*I'm going to regret that. It's not even true, it just sounds mean.
After the much and happy brou-ha-ha which had everyone gaga over the elegant and beautiful iPhones and iPod Touches that Apple has been making a killing off of lately, I thought I'd take this time to remind you of your roots.
That's right, it's time. Time for the effing 400 GB iPod classic. Godammit, man, you've lost your perspective! Your commitment to constantly changing the definition of the "popular" go-to portable digital music device is getting in the way of taking advantage of the classic arms-race strategy that would lead to even smaller, cheaper ways to store vast quantities of music-y goodness and pump it through tinny included earbuds to people who'll listen to anything your iTunes store recommends!
Hell, make it an even 500 GB. Make it all black again, with the true mirror-chrome back. That's really Classic if you ask any random bloke off the street. It's already as classic as a black Harley with all chrome exhaust, a mustachioed hardass and a coked-out bimbo riding ass half off the back! Do you realize that after only 8 short years, your product has reached a status that's only one Mythical Renown point below effing Batman?
It's okay, we all got distracted by touchscreens and apps for quite a while. And I'm not saying these are bad things... but these things phase in cycles, and right now it's time for something with more horsepower than a fighter jet and a DAC-opamp chain that blows the brains out of the previous setup.
I know, it's hard to take this medicine when it was delivered with such thinly veiled animosity for your obvious profiteering based solely upon looks and buzzwords, and yet almost devoid of truly innovative functionality*. However, take this time to consider...
How t&a-ing awesome would it be to walk onto your next flight knowing you have 125 thousand songs available for immediate aural orgasm?
Yes, Steve, it is hard for me to be this awesome. I'm just trying to help make the world a better place by making you a bit more awesome. And you'd be the most awesome ever if you gave me a tricked out, gloss black 1 TB iPod Classic with mirror-chrome back engraved:
"Ah, music. A magic beyond all we do here!"
-Albus Dumbledore
Signed,
Please give me a 250 thousand song iPod,
I have a profile on this this website and you have the resources to find me.
PS-*I'm going to regret that. It's not even true, it just sounds mean.
