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REVOLUTIONARY NEW CABLE UPGRADE!

post #1 of 31
Thread Starter 
Thought this place could use a little humor, so I dusted off this piece that I wrote back in 2002.


It's the same old story.

You've sacrificed, pinched your pennies and saved up for months. But it's been worth it and the time has finally come. You rush down to your local Radio Shack and moments later emerge the proud owner their best Gold Series interconnects.

You break a dozen traffic laws racing home. You hook 'em up, turn on the power, cue up your favorite recording, and with your hands still dripping with the sweat of anticipation, your heart sinks.

It's like listening to music through a pillow. Big, warm, fuzzy sound. ZERO clarity!

You give Radio Shack a call to see if they can offer some assistance but the guy just started working there and his last job was selling orthopedic shoes.

So you hop on the Internet and start poking around. Eventually you come across a lively discussion group bristling with experienced audiophiles. So you post a message detailing your plight, desparately pleading for help.

Soon you get a reply. It reads:

Until you break the $300 per pair barrier, you probably will still have haze etc... The performance improves dramatically above this price point.

Your heart sinks still lower.

We know.

You'd love nothing more than to own a much higher priced pair of interconnects but let's face it, not all of us have the deep pockets to spend even dozens let alone hundreds of dollars on cables.

And with the uncertainty of war in the Middle East and major corporate scandals breaking every week turning the stock market inside out on top of a looming recession, it's not likely that a pay raise is in your future.

We hear ya, bro.

That's why the dedicated folks at Kludge Research, Inc. have spared no expense and invested countless hours in research and development to bring you what promises to be the most revolutionary audio product of the past century. And bring it to you at a price that even you can afford!

Introducing, the Audiophile Pricetag®!



The Audiophile Pricetag® will literally transform your cheap or giveaway interconnects into sonic marvels costing thousands of times more!

The Audiophile Pricetag® is no ordinary pricetag. It's hand-crafted from the finest materials available.

The heavy-gauge, 99.9999% pure cotton string utilizes a proprietary twisting method which provides a superior connection to your existing cable.

The manila card stock is made custom to our specifications from virgin stands of Douglas fir from the pacific northwest and is hand cut in our factory using techniques hundreds of years old with the price hand-written by one of our many craftspersons, signed and dated on the back of the tag.

Our patented hole reinforcement technology assures that your Audiophile Pricetag® will last a lifetime, even under continuous use.

Best of all, the Audiophile Pricetag® is being offered at the special introductory price of just $29.95!

Imagine getting the performance of a $5,000 cable for less than pennies on the dollar!

A bit tight on cash? No problem! Kludge Research, Inc. offers zero interest, six month financing. And if you act now, we'll defer your payments until January 2003!

And for the Do-It-Yourselfer, the Audiophile Pricetag® is also available in kit form at the substantially reduced price of just $19.95!

Each kit comes with a pre-cut tag, hole reinforcer, string and a tube of glue. The 23 page instruction manual is clearly written and includes more than a dozen illustrations walking you step-by-step from preparation to installation.

Let's hear what just one of our many satisfied customers has to say about this revolutionary new technology:

I was skeptical at first. But that ended just a few measures into the first song when I realized that I'd soiled my pants! You should offer a diaper with this thing! It's THAT good! And if you don't believe me, just moments later my wife who has no interest at all in this audiophile stuff telephoned me from the neighbor's house three doors down and asked me if I'd changed something in my system!

You guys are great!

Baskin Ennison
Runamok, South Dakota


It really is THAT good. In our own tests, we've even used the Audiophile Pricetag® with interconnects made from coat hangers and bailing wire with the same result!

Of course all great innovations have had their detractors and the Audiophile Pricetag® is no exception. There have been a number of critics who have claimed that any two reasonably well designed pricetags will sound the same.

We disagree. But who are we to say? Try it for yourself risk-free for 30 days. If you don't agree that it transforms even the cheapest interconnect into an interconnect costing $5,000, return it for a full refund.

The Auidiophile Pricetag® : You owe it to yourself.

The Audiophile Pricetag® is a registered trademark of Kludge Research, Inc. Copyright 2002 Kludge Research, Inc., all rights reserved.
post #2 of 31
Oh my freaking lord that was hilarious!

Good job!
post #3 of 31
Great stuff! Hey, one time I posted a piece containing the same type of humor about dog fighting on the site below. Hilarious. F 'em if they can't take a little joke right.

ASPCA: The American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals

You can also have some great fun with nationalities, races, gender issues, too on the appropriate forums.
post #4 of 31
Quote:
Originally Posted by PhilS View Post
F 'em if they can't take a little joke right.
Indeed.
post #5 of 31
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by PhilS View Post
Great stuff! Hey, one time I posted a piece containing the same type of humor about dog fighting on the site below. Hilarious. F 'em if they can't take a little joke right.
Or "Joke 'em if they can't take a f***."

Some folks are just wound up waaaaaaay too tight.

Obama swats a fly on national TV, and PETA has a cow.

*sigh*

k
post #6 of 31
Really funny writeup! Edit: Well, as I am repeating writeup I will say joke this time

So what is the influence the paper and the cotton on the FR? Or is it the special ink?
post #7 of 31
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ishcabible View Post
Oh my freaking lord that was hilarious!

Good job!
Thanks! Glad you enjoyed it.

It was inspired by an actual exchange on another forum. The bit about "Until you break the $300 per pair barrier..." is an actual quote from one of the posts.

k
post #8 of 31
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bullseye View Post
Really funny writeup!
Thanks!

Quote:
So what is the influence the paper and the cotton on the FR? Or is it the special ink?
I'm afraid I can't tell you. It's all hush-hush. Trade secrets and all that. You'll just have to buy one and figure it out for yourself.

k
post #9 of 31
Quote:
Originally Posted by Koyaan I. Sqatsi View Post
I'm afraid I can't tell you. It's all hush-hush. Trade secrets and all that. You'll just have to buy one and figure it out for yourself.

k
I will have to risk it then Give me 20!

Oh and jokes aside (well, not really ), the DIY kit is great! You should have also mentioned something like "In an attempt to find the perfect Pricetag® hundreds of hours of investigation and testing were utilized till we reached the final product. We are very proud of it"

That is also a classic
post #10 of 31
hehe, all the testimonials on these cable makers sites always sound so fake, even yours sound more true to life
post #11 of 31
It's funny, but it's funnier to those who already like to mock high-end cables. I have a lot of he-larious things to say about Christians but I don't think it's a good idea to post them.
post #12 of 31
Quote:
Originally Posted by PhilS View Post
Great stuff! Hey, one time I posted a piece containing the same type of humor about dog fighting on the site below. Hilarious. F 'em if they can't take a little joke right.

ASPCA: The American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals

You can also have some great fun with nationalities, races, gender issues, too on the appropriate forums.
Ridiculing cable believers is the same as engaging in racist humor? Perhaps we need to create a new protected class for our civil rights laws? But ignorance, unlike race, ethnicity, gender etc., is not an immutable characteristic.
post #13 of 31
Quote:
Originally Posted by terriblepaulz View Post
Ridiculing cable believers is the same as engaging in racist humor?
It's similar in that it's humor based on ridicule, that is only funny to one side (or at least funniER to one side). The OP started by saying "This place could use a little humor." Well, "this place" contains some of the people it's ridiculing.

Look, I don't want to take this too seriously, so this will probably be my last post on this topic. I think it's fair, though, to point out that the humor is ridicule-based.

I actually do think it's funny, but I probably didn't laugh as hard as Bullseye.
post #14 of 31


What's most worrisome with cables to me is not trying to fix what is known inferior in the design, as a first step, if there are audible differences (unbalanced lines, signal as shield, RCA connectors). That said, I'm sure someone, somewhere, is selling all-silver, silk insulated, XLR cables with some engraved wood or metal bits added.
post #15 of 31
How long is the string?
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