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Tool-fi

post #1 of 9
Thread Starter 
Tool Dictionary

Tools and their REAL uses.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly-stained heirloom piece you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned guitar calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Yeou ****...."

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters. Most often the tool used by all women.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or ½ socket you've been searching for the last 45 minutes.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.

RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to scare neophytes into choosing another line of work.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads. Women excel at using this tool.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts which were last over tightened 30 years ago by someone at Ford, and instantly rounds off their heads. Also used to quickly snap off lug nuts.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit. Women primarily use it to make gaping holes in walls when hanging pictures.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
post #2 of 9
Some of those are so true.
post #3 of 9
Thread Starter 
On Groundhog Day I fell off a ladder in my garage, onto my snow blower and broke some ribs. Considering my lack of mechanical skill and inability to use tools correctly, this struck me as somewhat funny and all too true ... at least for me.
post #4 of 9
That list is all too true.
post #5 of 9
Exacto knife: used for stripping the insulation off of various pieces of wire.

Super Glue: used for sealing the resulting cuts that invariably arise when using an exacto knife as a wire stripper.

-_- good list - I can see half of this happening to myself.
post #6 of 9
I love this list! It reminds me of the various bad habits I've picked up during my last couple of summer jobs doing maintenance work at a chemical plant.

It also reminds me of a similarly hilarious song by Corb Lund:

Hard on Equipment (Tool for the Job)

He's been roundin' off bolts since the age of fourteen
Was that a five eighths or a nine sixteenths?
He's got a metric socket that don't quite fit
Well it'll wiggle just a little but it ain't quite stripped
The safety guard's gone from his grinding machine
He got a stiff paint brush he only kinda got clean
He's the hired man, my neighbor and a cousin in law
He's a jerry riggin' fool, he got the tool for the job

Well it's vise grips for pliers, and pliers for a wrench
A wrench for a hammer, hammers everything else
It just don't seem to make much difference
I sure do like him but he's hard on equipment
I sure like you son, but you're hard on equipment

His corners ain't square and his floor ain't level
And he's always had trouble with the old tape measure
His doors don't close ‘cause the jamb ain't plumb
And he's a ******* menace with an air nail gun
They love to see him comin' at the lumberyard store
Fixed the leak in his roof with a two by four
Drilled holes in his boards with the wrong kinda bit
And when they don't line up he blames the government

He got the whole front yard full of fix ‘em up cars
Three don't run and the rest won't start
Everything's fine with his rebuilt motor
Except of course for the couple spare parts left over
Baler wire tie downs goin' down the road
On two bald tires and an oversize load
He ain't never read a manual ‘cause that's like cheatin'
He don't mind a little grease on his hands while he's eatin'

He's got busted up knuckles, his thumb got bruised
Jesus Christ was a carpenter, too
post #7 of 9
LOL
post #8 of 9
I have too many tools to count. Mostly hand tools. I have so many that I broke down and bought two Gerstner tool chests I had been lusting after to house most of them. I just love the fit and finish of that quarter sawn oak.

-Ed
post #9 of 9
soldering iron - used to make pcb coasters and burn holes through pockets.
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