Best Jokes?? - Page 5

I have an awful joke to contribute:

A man walks into a bar "Ouch!"
A dazed man walks into a bar "Ouch!"
A moron walks into a bar "Ouch!"
A mentally retarded man walks into a bar "Ouch!"
George Bush walks into a bar "Ouch!"

There was a Blonde, Brunette, and Red Head. One day the Red Head got news that there was a big earthquake coming so she yelled, "Gather everything we need and run to the top of the hill!". So the Red Head grabbed food, and ran to the top of the hill. Then the Brunette grabbed pillows and blankets and ran to the top of the hill. Well, the Blonde, she tore off the car door, and ran to the top of the hill.

When they got to the top of the hill the Red Head looked at the Brunette and said, "Hey! Why'd you bring pillows and blankets?", and the Brunette replied, "In case we get tired, we can sleep". Then the Brunette said to the Red Head,"Hey! Why'd you bring the food?", and the Red Head replied, "In case we get hungry, we can eat." Then they both looked at the Blonde and said,"Hey! Why'd you bring the car door?". And the Blonde looked at them and said,"DUH! In case we get hot, we can roll down the window!"

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman, but only one position was available.

The day came for the final test to see which peson would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow our instructions whatever the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man looked horrified and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my wife!" "Well," said the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."

So they brought the second man to the same door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes; then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her; I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job."

"No," the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Now they only had the woman left to test. They led her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances; this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing, one shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, rashing, and banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes; then all went quiet.

The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair!"

An American (Yes he has to be American. You'll see why) enters a small hotel in England. He arrives with the typical accoutrements, a couple of bags. He walks to the front desk and checks in. When that process is over he picks up his bags and asks how to get to his room. The rather elderly clerk tells him it's on the second floor and to turn right after getting off the lift.

Not knowing what is meant the man looks around then says "The lift? Oh, you must mean the elevator".

The clerk looks at him and says "No sir, I mean the lift". The American then said "That's an elevator". To which the clerk answered just as forcefully "No sir, that is a lift".

Well by this time the American, having travelled all day and being rather tired decided to end the arguement. "That sir is an elevator. I am American and I should know. We invented the elevator!"

To which the clerk responded "That's all well and good sir, but I'm English, and we invented the language!".

A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he
is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.

On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her
husband undresses in the darkness.

He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.

- 'My darring,' he whispers, 'I know dis you firss time and you berry
flighten. I promise you, I give you anyting you want,
I do anyting - juss anyting you want.. You juss ask. Whatchu want?'
he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly,
which he hopes will impress her..

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for
her request.

She eventually shyly whispers back,

- 'I want to try someting I have hear about from odda girls... Numbaa 69.'

More thoughtful silence from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he
asks her.....

- 'You want...... Garlic Chicken wif snow peas?

I lolled so hard. Thanks.

Hulu - Saturday Night Live: UPS #1
Hulu - Saturday Night Live: UPS #2

So random.

YouTube - Demetri Martin - Large Pad

again.