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Relationship Help: Boyfriend / Girlfriend issue - Page 9

post #121 of 150
Quote:
Originally Posted by boomana View Post
Six years is a long time and worth trying to work things out. I, however, don't wish you luck, but rather, I wish you awareness. The situation, right down to the co-worker/understanding friend turned crush is too typical to be tossed off as a simple matter of forgive and forget because it is a first with you two.

If you have a pattern of neglecting her, or showing affection in ways that mean something to you, but little to her, step up your game.

BUT

that doesn't change the fact that she was unwilling to address the issue at hand, feeling neglected (as she claims) with you first, or if she did and still didn't find her needs being met, she didn't have the respect for herself or you to call it off, even if painful, before acting on a crush. She first told you about the dinner, but only later told you about the beach. This is not honesty. If the dinner was innocent, deciding to go to a beach (does this guy even know she's in a relationship?) had to raise questions of right or wrong in her mind and she chose what felt good to her over what was right for the two of you. She had to know it would bother you and chose to do it anyway. Or, what may be worse, she put you and your six years together out of her mind completely. Then, she chose to tell you only part. This is not innocence. It's selfishness and immaturity. Her crying doesn't change that. Your neglect didn't make her chose poorly. She chose freely.

I, sadly, have a few female friends who cheat on their husbands and almost always with someone they met at work. They all use the He doesn't treat me right/He neglects me/The sex used to be good but isn't anymore excuses to justify their actions. Since I've known some of these women since childhood, I can honestly say in all their cases, their husbands do neglect them as women, are boring as hell in bed (from what they tell me), and take them for granted as wives, but my friends are not really interested in fixing that. They love their husbands, but they also like, on a very real level, being able to blame their husbands for what they feel is missing rather than admit that what they're really looking for is the thrill and validation of feeling attractive and attracted to a new man. When the thrill is gone, or they start feeling guilty, or the guy turns out to not be prince charming, they start loving their husbands all over again, and tell me how truly kind and wonderful, and blah blah etc. he is and how could they have been so foolish when all they want is their wonderful husband blah blah blah. The cycle always picks up again.

I'm not saying your girlfriend is like these women, but her choices tell me that she could become one if she's blaming you for her decision to act with another rather than explore new ways of being with you or calling it off before moving on. Just be aware.
WOW... Thank you very much for posting this. I will try harder to make my wife happy.
post #122 of 150
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kirosia View Post
I wish I was attractive enough to be a manwhore.
Just lower YOUR standards.
post #123 of 150
Quote:
Originally Posted by rx7_fan View Post
Thanks Luis, Ed, (where's aaron and Bill =) ? the other Andy, and all of you who took time to give your opinion. I decided to give it another try since we have been together for 6 years and for what she told me, it seems like a harmless crush. It could be a decision I would regret, but I think I will sleep better at night knowing I tried my best at something rather than just giving up when things get tough. As for her, if she's lying to me, then that's something she got live with, and live a lie. I think people deserve a second chance, and she came out and tell me so I think that deserves merit.
IMO, everybody is a mess to a certain degree. Is she the kind of mess you want? I personally agree with the "move on" sentiment that filled the thread before you revealed this has a six-year history. Six years of history doesn't excuse the current behavior, even if the six years were perfect. You have a problem at this point.

Your gut is telling you what to do...it is screaming RUN. Your heart doesn't want the pain of moving on...but you honestly know you have to. Just be honest with yourself and listen to your gut and you should be fine.

Good luck, we all know how difficult this is.
post #124 of 150
boomana has just written some of the most informative and insightful posts I've read on head-fi. Listen to her.

Great stuff, thanks for posting!
post #125 of 150
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kirosia View Post
I wish I was attractive enough to be a manwhore.
Quote:
Originally Posted by LonerGenius View Post
Just lower YOUR standards.
Yes, just hang out in yahoo chat rooms for a few hours. My brother gets some 3 times a week from 3 different gals! lol
post #126 of 150
More like three different 62-year-old, 532-pound naked bald men named Earl.
post #127 of 150
Quote:
Originally Posted by nibiyabi View Post
More like three different 62-year-old, 532-pound naked bald men named Earl.
I better inform my brother!
post #128 of 150
Quote:
Originally Posted by ziplock View Post
Yes, just hang out in yahoo chat rooms for a few hours. My brother gets some 3 times a week from 3 different gals! lol
You know, one of my favorite Onion articles was "Canadian Girlfriend Unsubstantiated" . . . .
post #129 of 150
Quote:
Originally Posted by nibiyabi View Post
More like three different 62-year-old, 532-pound naked bald men named Earl.
I heard there are also twins called Neil and Bob. Stay away!
post #130 of 150
Quote:
Originally Posted by mulveling View Post
boomana has just written some of the most informative and insightful posts I've read on head-fi. Listen to her.

Great stuff, thanks for posting!
X2
post #131 of 150
Quote:
Originally Posted by boomana View Post
When the thrill is gone, or they start feeling guilty, or the guy turns out to not be prince charming, they start loving their husbands all over again, and tell me how truly kind and wonderful, and blah blah etc. he is and how could they have been so foolish when all they want is their wonderful husband blah blah blah. .
And in appreciation, they sometimes give their spouse a loving dose of aids, hiv or herpes, to show their love....
Sad but true.
post #132 of 150
If you want to be a manwhore, just do this:
Be confident
Cultivate a rep as a manwhore
Be discreet about your lovers (don't kiss & tell)
Profit

Works best at college, but outside too. Within a year you will have women approaching you for sex.

/was best friends with a manwhore
//he was a pretty ugly dude
///he got laid more than anyone I know
post #133 of 150
Quote:
Originally Posted by ericj View Post
You know, one of my favorite Onion articles was "Canadian Girlfriend Unsubstantiated" . . . .
Well... funny thing happens.
This person I know over the internet said he had very cute japanese girlfriend, and his story sounded quite real and serious. Then, you know what? His girlfriend's name turned out to be the same with an anime character, and his story is quite similiar to the story of that anime. That poor guy was so into that anime character, think her as a real girlfriend. No wonder he is a single even after... well, he is middle aged man. I listen him seriously, often gave him an advice or two before, but for now, I am enjoying conversation with him more than ever. It's quite refreshing. LOL
post #134 of 150
And, thanks boomana.
After I read your post, I find myself as a such boring husband far away from the prince charming of her I could have been before. I am going to buy some flower for her today.
post #135 of 150
Wanted to join in before but was a little busy. It's nice to see you are trying to work out something. 6 Years is quite some time.

I want to give you my 2 cents since I have been in the position of your girl (to add my specific point of view, i am female) a couple of years ago.
By the same I mean, also falling in love with a coworker, lying to my bf, telling him only parts of the story when it would suite me. My boyfriend also checkin my email and sms's and stuff. Me afraid to tell him what was "wrong" in our relationship as a first to start with actually. And as a logical ending we split up eventually.

What I am trying to say is that I recognize your situation perfectly and you should be really aware. She should have told you everything, starting with the fact that she feels neglected. If you don't express that sort of feelings to eachothers, weird unfunny stuff is bound to happen.
Perhaps there was nothing wrong with going out to dinner with him if there weren't any feelings at that time. But going with him to the beach with the knowledge you have feelings for that person is just making things worse and she knew that when she said yes and went with him. I call that provoking certain emotions regarding all parties involved. Letting you know only one part is not honest as well. It is selfish as Boomana said before. Coming up with a second part is also selfish and the crying part, well, she surely feels bad, partially because of feeling guilty towards you and knowing that her thoughts on this one aren't so innocent.

I hope you can work it out properly. Not every situation has to end the way mine did. As long as you can be honest with eachother you should be fine. But talking is the key.

As a sidenote, I am together with my coworker for 2,5 years now, my ex found someone else so in the end it worked out for the both of us and because of how my story went I have surely learned my lesson, and paid a painful (well-deserved) price to learn it.
You probably won't take any of the advice being given here, logical, because some things you just have to experience yourself in order to learn things about it for the future.
Anyways, good luck to you.
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