I don't really feel depressed, but I guess I have symptoms of depression.
All I want to do is sleep. I have very vivid dreams that I don't want to wake up from. I have no sense of time whatsoever. Sometimes I cannot remember what day, month, or even year it is. I regularly can't remember if I really did something, or did it in a dream. Rarely, I have had difficulty discerning if I was awake or not. A couple years ago I did have a real live panic attack/breakdown in the lab over this. I also have a phobia of rings. Like the ones you wear on your fingers. Even thinking about it to type it makes my breathing get faster.
I forget everything. I forget my family members' names. It's like my life is slipping past by the day, month, I might wake up and be 40. Or 14. Neither would surprise me, I just go by what people tell me assuming they know better than I do on the simplest things. I do things like go to work and notice something new, yet everyone tells me we have been doing it like that every day for the three years that I've worked there, and I honestly think it's the first time. I can do triple integrals, but sometimes I can't count to twenty. All these symtoms come and go, on and off pretty much since I started college (3.5 years ago).
I'm doing horribly in school; i have a very hard time focusing on it anymore. I focus feverishly on the silliest things and then move on. There was a time when I was interested in physics, but now all I want to do is study language, read books and watch movies. I'm all about history now. I can't do my homework; I spend ten times as much times studying japanese (which is completely pointless objectively) than I do all my classes combined. But language is just obsession of the month. It might be knitting next. If I don't stop myself, I will listen to music endlessly. I think I made a post last year about at what point you consider music listening maladaptive. I'll listen to music for entire days, if I let myself.
I feel hopelessly ignorant and slow, yet I seem to have a large amount of people fooled into thinking I'm smart. I go to a fairly expensive private school on a full tuition scholarship, was headed to graduate with honors until this semester. Last week I ran into a girl that I hadn't seen in years and she addressed me as 'that smart kid'. Even this summer when I went to montana there was a kid in my research program, a far better student than I, and a brilliant programmer, that probably actually deserved the internship, that I skated with, and just out of the blue he just said 'I don't want this to sound weird, but you seem really smart'. Which is just salt in the wound.
I live by myself, and I have more or less gotten rid of all my friends one way or another. I don't even call my parents anymore. I have never been able to maintain a relationship past a few days. I'm not physically repulsive and I'm a nice person, but I'm proof that if you put no effort into social relationships, nobody is going to go out of their way to care about you. I'm just indifferent; I don't care to be around people unless they are interesting and most of them or boring. I'm really not a strange person to meet or talk to at first glance, but sometimes I say things that seem to upset people without even knowing it; I'm familiar with the possiblility of offending someone or hurting their feelings without intending to in the least bit. Lots of people at school know me, and think I'm cool even. I don't really have any enemies. Everyone likes me. I think everyone at school assumes I have some other friends, but the truth is I'm in everyone's out-group simultaneously. And I really don't like touching people.
The recent severing of the last semblences of what I could call friends and my recent difficulties with school are what have led to my current situation.